Me in Comic Books: Startup Escalation 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 .
This Year: Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec.

The Adventures of Me 2004

in Comic Books!

Eek, Crisis!

Of course I have adventures in comic books. We all do, even if we're just innocent bystanders, because most comic books take place right here and now. But I've figured out how to make my own adventures worth remembering.

In comic books, I live in a world of heroes, and of superhumans. Not always do these concepts meet.

You may not recognize these people; they don't live where you do. But heroes or not, superhumans or not, they've been working hard to change their world for years; by now, it would barely look familiar to you.

I'm just beginning to understand why some people call this year the Anno Ellipsis 14: not only is a superhuman called Ellipsis involved, "Ellipsis" literally means the punctuation symbol "..."; it stands for "et cetera", "and so on", and so on. There's a lot of "and so on" in my world, since superhumans went public in 1990.

And this year, it's coming to a head. I begin to be scared. You see, I just realized what comes next.


The Aleutian Crisis. Various Arctic territories have split off from their benevolent democratic overlords in the last few years, encouraged by superhumans who want to build their bases there. First it was Greenland, then Keewatin in Canada. Now, the Aleuts want to be next. They live in Alaska and Siberia - that is to say, the United States and Russia. This Arctic independence movement is now getting the close attention of world powers. (9 Jan)

A Week on the Other Side, or, Siberia This Time of Year. The US is reacting to its first rebellion since 1861. After I meet the reaction in Texas, I get the bright idea of avoiding trouble and laying low... in the middle of Siberia, in the middle of January. Climatically speaking, it may not be the best idea I ever had, but nobody will be expecting it. (17 Jan)

A Day in the Movement, or, Alaska This Time of Year. Activist superhumans have started going to the Aleutian Islands in shifts, for moral support and to make sure if something happens, there's at least some kind of witness. (25 Jan)

God Loves, Man Kills Here Too, or, The Willow Farm Intervention. Okay, I got in an incident at a church. It was kind of unpleasant, and the United Nations made a big deal over it, but it was really just business as usual for me. (20-22 Jan)

My Life

GIANT ROBOT BREAKS AFGHAN BLOCKADE - Superhumans, Nukes Deployed Against It (31 Jan)

SUPERHUMANS FIGHT IN NETHERLANDS - Corporation Claims Right To Intervene (2 Feb)

SUPERHUMANS FIGHT IN CALIFORNIA - Blanket of Darkness Ends Fight (5 Feb)


GIANT ROBOT PROGRAMMER TAKES CREDIT - Is Now Hiding In Southeast Asia (10 Feb)

BRIDE OF THE ULTIMATE DARKNESS! Living Shadow Falls For College Co-Ed (11 Feb)

The Abe Knight Returns! SUPERHUMANS FIGHT IN NYC - Abe Lincoln Rescues The Vigilantes! (12 Feb)

The World Journal Monthly. In this world, people take the offbeat news stories seriously, and the offbeat papers do some serious journalism. In fact, they often catch details that the other papers miss. They say here, if the World Journal Monthly prints it, it might be true!

What Have I Done? Some former friends from high school are promising to humiliate me at this year's high school reunion, because of someone I've never heard of. Apparently I've given offense. Could they narrow it down a bit?

  • If they don't, I'll have to go through my list and try to figure it out for myself. And boy, it's a long list. But hey, I might as well share it with the world, because most people don't believe half the stuff on it anyway. (20, 23 Feb)
  • Calvin's Story. Apparently my brother has something to share with me. Well, actually, he's not sharing with me, he's sharing with the United Nations. I had to filch it off his computer, the last time I visited. Someday I'll have to ask him about it.

  • But until I work up the nerve to have an argument with him, I can always pretend he's just writing stories like I do, and file it alongside my own "fiction". It's not like I'm leaking a world secret here; nobody believes my web pages anyway, except maybe the World Journal Monthly. (26, 28, 29 Feb)
  • March
    My Life

    OUR STAFF WAS REPLACED BY EXTRADIMENSIONALS! Engineering Company Deals With Otherworldly Incursion (9 Mar)

    ALIEN DEVICE ON EARTH - ONLY KNOWS FIVE WORDS! "Eeeee", "Aaaaa", "Ooooo", "Mmmmm", and "Rrrrr"! (10 Mar)

    WAR CRIMINAL SPEAKS OUT! My Partner Abused His Son - And Vice Versa! (11 Mar)

    GIANT HARLOT WRESTLES GIANT SNAKE - In The Middle of the Atlantic Ocean! (11 Mar)

    ABE LINCOLN RUNS MY SOFTWARE PROJECT! And He Holds His Stovepipe Hat Together With Duct Tape! (11 Mar)


    FEAR MY BEER CANNON! The Maker of the Giant Afghan Robot Has a Fearsome New Weapon (23 Mar)

    THERE'S A HOTEL ON MARS! One Night There Costs $22,000 (30 Mar)

    Jehovah's Favorite Candles. A hobo-evangelist is going around with two candles, to show people what the love of God is like. The candles are positively hypnotic, and the fire spreads between them no matter how far they're apart.

  • I see the guy in Evanston, Illinois, near Northwestern University. I can tell his candle trick is for real, because I've seen the fire of God before. So I drop $20 in the hat, because this guy is tapping into the universe's ultimate power source, and I don't want him to be tempted to use it to not go hungry. (2 Mar)
  • Asterix on the Shores of Time. I was involved in one of those DuoPolarity events last Christmastime. Some people from both the invading universes got away - and so did one of our own villains. And, of course, I get to find out where they went. It starts when yet another villain captures me. (6 Mar)

    Marching on Georgia Again. The Governor of Georgia, some guy named "Sonny Perdue" of all things (hey, could I make this stuff up?), is allied with the Governor of Texas, who's got a lot of rhetoric against Aleutian independence. So Georgia's putting forth the proposition that the states may rebel in support of Federal law - as the states so interpret.

    • Oh goody, the South wants to rise again, only wrapped in the Union flag this time. And there's no shortage of loonies who'll buy into that blather, as long as it has plenty of rhetoric about Jesus and famlees and puppies. Really.
    • But there's an internet lawyer in Springfield, Illinois who cares enough to organize a march against this. The theme of this march is, "General Sherman, Atlanta Needs You Now!" And there's a lot of nationwide volunteers for this march.
    • I am actually famous enough in organizing marches for him to hire me on. So I do my patriotic and mercenary duty, and arrange for the march to come straight in to Atlanta (yes, it is the Georgia state capital) from its thickest layer of suburbs, to the northwest. Just like General Sherman wanted to.
    • Despite our legal preparations, the march is blocked. The governor's brought out the National Guard (plus a bit of the local population) to block the roads in from Marietta where we start out.
    • I would consider stopping the march... but the boss is not having that. And hey, we got the legal right. So we cut around the blockades, through apartment complexes in Smyrna (I'm pretty good at finding shortcuts through apartment complexes), holding signs saying, "Pretend We're Besieging."
    • We are opposed everywhere, but we peacefully divert. And we do eventually encircle the city. Just like General Sherman did. (Like I said, we have a lot of volunteers.) Which is enough to make our point for the national news. Which is to say, does Atlanta really care enough about its idea of rebellion to want to be sieged again? (22 Mar)

    My Life

    BELOVED PEANUTS CHARACTER "LINUS" IS REAL! Based On a Real Person, Just Like Christopher Robin Milne (2 Apr)

    INTERACTIVE GAME SHOW IS A REAL STEAL! Viewers Try to Stop a Live Burglary Each Episode (4 Apr)

    KNIGHTS WITH SMART ARMOR! A British Knightly Order is Ordering "Training" Suits (10 Apr)

    ANGEL AT THE DRIVE-IN! Flies Through The Screen, Then Holds It Together For The Audience (13 Apr)

    PHONE COMPANY TRAINS ITS WORKERS AT AMUSEMENT PARK! Trainees Say, "Don't Miss the Asbestos Awareness Water Ride!" (21 Apr)

    I TURNED ALBERT EINSTEIN INTO A PLUMBER! Fortunately, Stephen Hawking Helped Me Fix the Timestream (24 Apr)

    REAL KIDS PLAY - AND IT BECOMES THE HARRY POTTER STORIES! Author Sends Them to a Pocket Universe for Adventures (27 Apr)

    Demon Seed, or Djinnesis. Back in 2001, I made a deal with the world's two most powerful evil mages, for us not to mess with each other. One mage broke the deal last month. Now, I guess the other has to do it too. (16, 20 Apr)

    Showtime! Perhaps I've mentioned my latest project: an appearance in a stage play about the Greenland Rebellion. Ironically, there's no Me part in the play, even though I had a pretty big role in the real thing; here, I'm portraying Ellipsis. As Ellipsis, I get to put on some short-range magnetic flying gear, fly around the stage, and read the Declaration of Rebellion. And we've hit the road to England! (20, 27 Apr)

    My Life

    FAMOUS TRUCKER WOMAN WEARS AN APRON - AND DOMINATES THE INDUSTRY! Truckers Say, She's a Master Villain - Or Is That Mistress Villain? (22 May)

    ALIENS SAY THE UNIVERSE IS DYING! They're Meeting with Earth Magicians and Superhumans to Save It (23 May)

    JEWEL'S NEW ALBUM CAME FROM A RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR! The Software Was Originally Designed for the Phone Company (28 May)

    IN THE FUTURE, ONLY THREE PEOPLE A DAY WILL BUY GASOLINE! And You'd Better Know How to Swim! (30 May)

    Winning the Peace. I've spent the year so far, cleaning up my Enemies List. Now, I'm back in a favorite old town where I lived once, with Judy my favorite old lady (well, two years my senior), and I'm ready to retire. But stories don't always end just because the writers retire, and wars don't always end just because you capture the leaders.

  • The Crockery of Chaos. I guess ever since I took out the dominant evil villain mages, all the wannabes have been cropping up. I can evade their minions, but the new little leaders aren't confident enough to come out of hiding yet. I wonder if it ever pays to defeat evil? (11, 16 May)
  • June
    My Life

    SUPERHUMANS SHRINK DOWN TO MEET MICROBES! They Say, White Blood Cells Act a Lot Like Villains (8 Jun)

    PANTHER POWER! African Nation Uses Trained Panthers to Guard Prisoners (14 Jun)

    MEDIEVAL FANS HOLD OFF WOLVES WITH INSULATION FOAM AND DUCT TAPE! They Expect an S.C.A. Armory Apprenticeship, To Say The Least (18 Jun)

    SUPERHUMANS HAVE A SECRET LANGUAGE! It Involves Finger Signals and Grunting (22 Jun)

    JAMES DEAN AND RONALD REAGAN ARE MAKING A MOVIE BEYOND THE GRAVE! The Cast of "Friends" Wants to Guest Star (23 Jun)

    BEHOLD THE MYSTICAL "SQUONK"! This Pitiful Animal is Cared For and Fed Overseas (23 Jun)

    Dammit, More Internatonal Incidents!

    Hit The Fan. I thought things were finally quieting down a bit... at least by my standards. But no.

  • Trial By Ameritech 2004. I've worked for a phone company that has this predilection for sedition trials. And they've been having labor problems, so they're gearing up for a lot of root cause inquisitions. (3 Jun)
  • The Crockery of Chaos Part Two. After that business with the crockery of chaos last month, I've got some skull-shaped statuary to dispose of. And it seems to be one of those artifacts that starts world wars. Just like Grandpa warned me about. (5 Jun)
  • July
    My Life

    THERE'S A NEW SUPERHERO - OF DEATH! The Youthful Champion of Death Calls Himself "D" (7 Jul)

    DISTILLERY WANTS TO DO BUSINESS IN IRAQ! Alcohol Would Be Shipped Out - Iraqis to Only Get By-Products (9 Jul)

    PHONE COMPANY DATABASE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOUR KITTENS WEIGH! After All, It Could Affect How Much You Use The Phone (14 Jul)

    SPECIAL QUARTERS, THEN NICKELS, NOW PENNIES! U.S. One-Cent Coins to Indicate What Day of Week They Were Minted (15 Jul)

    TODDLER RUNS THE HOUSE! Super-Intelligent Infant Writes the Grocery List and Sorts the Trash For Recycling (16 Jul)

    YOUR TUXEDO CAN TRAIN YOU FOR YOUR WEDDING! For Starters, Intelligent Clothing Won't Let You Lose the Ring (26 Jul)

    DominationFest! I've become the sponsor of a street fair... in Wisconsin, near the alien Jellyfish country! (15 July)

    In the Wake of Magellan. While I'm partying, the news gets bad on the other side of the world. And in a roundabout way, it might be my fault. (14 July)

    Calling Out the Guards. The United Nations is mobilizing its reservists to deal with the increasing world crises. And the reserves would actually include me... sort of. (19, 21, 22 July)

    Quadrangle. My ladyfriend is leaving my business to go work for the world's most powerful superhuman - the same one who sparks a lot of those crises the UN is worried about. And it's not that I hold a grudge, but now that same superhuman's wife is leaving his business to come work for me! Oh, shit, he probably does hold a grudge. (26 July, 1 August)

    My Life

    MY DAUGHTER DATED THE DEVIL'S SON! Mother Intervenes to Save Her Child (3 Aug)

    BUG BOY SIGHTED AT CAMPGROUND! Famous Superhuman Insect-Child Probably Just Wanted to Be With Other Children (5 Aug)

    ANIMAL WOMAN FIGHTS ARGENTINE DEATH SQUAD! Exclusive Coverage From Our War Correspondents (7 Aug)


    CHINESE PEOPLE ARE EMIGRATING TO OTHER PLANETS! But They Have to Buy Hiking Sticks First (11 Aug)

    I SAVED QUEEN ELIZABETH FROM A WHALE! Missouri Firefighter Trains for Anything - And It Comes In Handy! (29 Aug)

    MAN COMMUNES WITH GREEK GODS OF SPEED! Super Human "Hurrier" Had Speed Powers Already - Now He Knows Where They Come From (31 Aug)

    Dear Diary, or The Adventures of Ultimate Me. Every hero is getting a souped-up younger "ultimate" version of himself these days, and so am I. (5 August)

    Without My Red Right Hand. Twice before this, in support of Plan Joab and the Silly Days Parades, I've actually travelled the world as part of a Master Plan. And I think I might have actually changed the world. Well, my bossy new partner wants me to try it again... and this time, I don't have superhuman powers to help me. (12, 15 August)

    Yamashita's Gold. Yes, I'm supposed to be changing the world, but I've been diverted - and then I diverted myself again. I've been sent to the Philippines! (19, 20, 21, 24, 27 August )

    Other Headlines

    NOBEL LAUREATE LEADS A ROLLERSKATE PARADE! Linus Pauling Skates For His High-School Reunion (2 Sep)

    BACHELORS BUILD APARTMENT COMPLEX IN DUMPSTERS! They Say, The Trashiness Hardly Makes A Difference (5 Sep)

    BUG BOY LIVES! Boy-Sized Bug With Sunglasses Seen on Lightpole (6 Sep)

    JUNIOR HACKERS FIGHT CRIME WITH POWERFUL WRIST-COMPUTERS! Too Bad They Can't Run After the Crooks Very Fast (14 Sep)

    LETTERS TO THE DEAD! "Brotherhood of the Reconaissance" Explores the Afterlife - And Delivers Mail There (24 Sep)

    Super Savior. Someone else is going into the world-changing business. And he's got his own section in the World Journal Monthly now... with a few stories designed to discredit his competition. And I have to admit, I helped him out with the nun's story. In my defense, the FERG got paid for it, thank you for the assignment Ms. Wolcott... and "Super Savior" hadn't gone public yet.

  • Revealed for the First Time: THE MEAN-SPIRITED PROPHECIES OF JOHN WESLEY! (8 Sep)
  • NUN WINS PAGEANT - But the Judges Won't Tell Her What Kind It Was! Was It For... Being Manipulated? (10 Sep)
  • SUPER HUMAN BASKETBALL PLAYER STARTS HIS OWN RELIGION! He's Got Corporate Sponsorship Already (17 Sep)
  • October
    My Life

    BACKWOODS DANCE CONTEST - Just for Men! (10 Oct)

    MAN CAN SQUEEZE OUT SALAD - FROM HIS HIP! Complete With Croutons - But They're Kind of Mushy (12 Oct)

    FRED THE LONELY CICADA! His Species Left Earth Centuries Ago - as Earth's First Astronauts! (17 Oct)

    D'OH! Coming Soon to Liquor Stores: Simpsons Chocolate Donut Liquor! (19 Oct)

    SECOND COMING - SQUARED! Remake of "Jesus Christ Superstar" Movie - and Jesus Christ Seen in the Audience! (23 Oct)

    ARCHBISHOP ENDORSES BICYCLE MINISTRY! Sweden and Finland are Open Mission Fields (27 Oct)

    Eek, Superhero!

    Return of the Cicadas. A few of us chaos mages are at a women's marathon, looking for a woman who used to mentally dominate us. (Remember, the Countess?)

    But all we find are the lady programmers of a project I've worked on. They playfully wring out their wet swimsuits at us as they come up the hill from their canoes. (Hey, maybe it's a canoe triathlon.) No Countess. But still there are signs of mental domination.

    There's a theory, it's cicadas. We're having a major cicada infestation this year. And the Catholic Church blames the Necronomicon on cicadas. It seems cicadas have a bad reputation, for sounding like demons. What if it's true?

    If things go wrong at this point, we'll be reading children's stories about Fred the Lonely Cicada, who's been lonely ever since Pope Gregory decreed that insects get no social services. So, for once, we sensibly just leave things alone. Not that it helps, but at least it's not our fault for once. (17 Oct)

    Picture the Future. It's presidential election time. And people are starting to make their plans. But in this universe, the politics are a little different. (30 Sep, 7 Oct, 17 Oct, 23 Oct, 25 Oct)

    My Life

    WHO HEARS THE DARKNESS? Teleportation Dimension of Darkness is Broken! Governments, Superhumans, Aliens, and Genies Gather to Address the Problem (16 Nov)

    BRING BACK THE REAL PARTHENON! A Mage Wants to Restore its Pagan Glory (19 Nov)


    FLYING HERO SCARED OF HEIGHTS! He Only Flies to Avoid Traffic Jams (24 Nov)

    Thanks to politics, our universe's leading superhuman has now disappeared. The news might be a little crazy this month. Or it may be very much the same...

    The Boys of Passover. Everyone on my world is looking forward to the famous superhuman baseball game, "The Boys of November II". And I was going to be there this year. But my life is never that easy. (20, 23 Nov)

    My Life

    New Drink Sensation: BLOODY MARY - WITH REAL BLOOD! (1 Dec)

    LITTLEST ALIEN ON PUBLIC DISPLAY - IN PLAYPEN! The Pen Looks Like Kryptonian Wrought Iron (7 Dec)

    YEARBOOK WRITTEN IN HTML - IN 1977! Decades Before the World Wide Web Was Popular (20 Dec)

    COURTNEY COX IN CELEBRITY BOXING MATCH! Jennifer Garner the Probable Opponent (24 Dec)

    NEW YORK VIGILANTE HAD STRETCHING POWERS ONCE! But That Feature of "Bandolier's" Battlesuit Wasn't Reliable (26 Dec)

    I'd like to take it easy for the holidays. Maybe I can get through this month's journal without spawning another entire web page story... nope, guess not.

    Power in the Blood. Seeing as how as of last month we have a President-elect who swears to protect God-fearin' Americans against superhumans, and seeing as how I've been superhuman at times, and seeing as how I kind of live in America, I suppose I'd best check in with the Prez's staff. (8, 9, 11, 19, 26, 30 Dec)

    Me in Comic Books: Startup Escalation 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 .
    This Year: Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec.

    All characters in this fiction are copyright © 2009 by Eiler Technical Enterprises.