The Adventures of Me 2002

Of course I have adventures in comic books. We all do, even if we're just innocent bystanders, because most comic books take place right here and now. But I've figured out how to make my own adventures worth remembering.

You can meet Marvel and DC heroes in these adventures, plus heroes of my own designing. My viewpoint character actually lives in the Marvel Multiverse, but not the Marvel Universe. Marvel superheroes show up often; DC's less often.

Marvel and DC universes are both missing their World Trade Center towers. Mine is too. The heroes of the Total Conversion Foundation brought down the hijackers, with some loss of life and property, but not of skyscrapers. While the world expected a strike on Afghanistan, we wiped out terrorism all around the Mediterranean in response. But one downed terrorist swiped Total Conversion's "Scudbuster" powered armor, which can fly 1000 miles in four seconds, and brought down the towers himself before anyone could react.

And I still got laid off afterward (just like in the real world). Now, I need work.

I'll admit, the job search stuff is technically for fun. The Mashantucket Pequot Indians say they may or may not have a job for me, but I'm still technically a tribe member, so I get a tiny cut of all their casino proceeds. It's enough to enable me to live in a trailer park on their reservation, watching the native juvenile delinquents hang out by the river, fish, make out, and practice their ancestral shoplifting techniques... but I'm still looking for more. My freelance computer, travel, and game stuff all help to fill the gap between the Res and a real life. That's the gap I live with.

Anything for a Buck 2002. Featuring practically all of my former employers, plus lots of temp jobs.

• My brother and I work at Raytheon... doing yard work. GTE's willing to hire me, but only if I remember stuff about ballistic missiles from 20 years ago. No other employer would be that demanding in today's economy... yeah, right. (2 Jan)
• I have a job in Indianapolis, where there's a TV award show tonight. Faith Hill's coming in to hand out prizes to the audience. I get a bar of soap. Then a former boss of mine and I get free salads before going to dinner in the mall. (6 Jan)
• I go to Warsaw with some children and Gordon Gano of the Violent Femmes, to work at a memorial concert for the Uprising. He offers me beer, and is pleasantly surprised when I have lime juice with the children instead. (12 Jan)
• Raytheon and SBC are teamed up on a job. And some Polaroid people and I are stuck on it. We live in a dormitory, where the customer can find us on Sunday nights. (13 Jan)
• I go on a road trip to downtown Boston, where Marvel Comics has relocated. I tag along with their writers to theatres, and get an usher job. Unfortunately I get into trouble when I knock down several sections of folding chairs, several times. It's not always my fault, but I always get blamed. The patrons have to help put them back up. All in all, I wonder if it will last. (14 Jan)
• I've been named an associate trustee of the Aristotle Library, which supposedly dates back to ancient Greece. (17 Jan)
• I'm navigating a bus from Dallas to summer camp in Tennessee, and we're lost. We should never have gone through Louisiana. Charlie Daniels is on the bus too, with barbecue and a prickly salad. But at least we have lots of maps. (20 Jan)
• I'm in the Navy now. I've been rushed through on a linguistics track. Bad points are, I have trouble making friends at first, and I get put in solitary confinement a lot. But still, it's free room and board. I can save half my pay, and spend the other half buying ice cream for the ladies on board. (27 Jan)

I eventually get a contact, with a guy named Mikhail. When I interrupt him to play target practice with his coffee cups and a breath mint during a meeting, he swipes my electric razor and trims his beard. Our team meetings tend to be disorganized. (16 Aug)

• The Apocalypse Begins Tonight. (18, 23 Jan) People are disappearing at random. In Israel they're convinced it's the Apocalypse. They think so at the phone company, too, or else they'd never have rehired me.
• Our Demons At War. (25 Jan) One universe's Merlin controls a demon named Etrigan, and has a protege named Tim with lots of Merlinpower of his own. Etrigan's stealing people to use as hostages, hence the disappearances. Another Merlin has a daughter who knows the X-Men... plus over 600 Captains Britain, which are roughly like Merlin-powered Shazams. It's shaping up to be an omniversal war here.
• Who's Got the Best Merlinpower? (27 Jan) It turns out I do, because I have the power of the real Merlin: I'm literate, I know the past, and I can advise the powerful. And my advice is: Cut it out before you break something!

Make It Never Was

The Second Pequot War. My Indians finally offer me a job. But it kinds of hits the fan.

Make It Never Was. This is the story of the day I got married. In retrospect, I should have known that would be a sign of the Apocalypse.

Homeland Security is Fun. I've just survived the Apocalypse, but life goes on, and I still need a temp job. And for once, work helps revitalize me.

Note: One of those things actually happened in real life! Click here to find out which.

The Adventures of Pibb the Troll. There's a fun old cartoon, that I remembered just the other day...

A Week in the Life. For some reason (though I can't imagine why), it's become fashionable for magazine writers and other public relations people to spend an entire week with their interview subjects. Even the Fantastic Four had it done. They even went into alternate dimensions with their guy.

Now it's my turn, because I'm actually kind of famous for my role in certain travelogues and Reality TV games. I could show my interviewer some alternate universes like the FF does, but I don't feel like publishing the fact that I can. So, I keep busy with relatively normal stuff. Like a week full of travel and championship gaming.

I hope the readership wasn't too bored by the magazine article. If not, I can always publish my own journals. But frankly, aside from an occasional spectacular adventure, I think the day to day stuff is way too boring. (24-31 August)

My Red Right Hand. I spent a lot of time last year roaming the world like a mastermind, cooking up a Master Plan. That's entirely out of character for me. In retrospect, I'd ask myself what the hell I was thinking... but I'm too busy, because I have this new Master Plan now. Hey, at least it keeps me too busy to mope about how much I've lost.

The Great Jellyfish Hunt. We've forced the alien invaders of Earth out of one town, but there's still an entire Great Lakefront to go.

The Doom Trap. It's kind of like the Game of Life, but deadlier.

• Dr. Doom has trapped three women on a grid. I recognize two of them from a place I used to work. The captives and a bunch of Doombots have to act out the Game of Life. If they step off a square that's "live", they're fried. The pattern has the three women bouncing around the ring, but unable to get out past Doombots.
• The Marvel Universe Hercules and I eventually come to the rescue. Herc wants to go in and bust things, but I figure out how one person can go in the pattern and let two out. We repeat until everyone's out. (22 December)