Me in Comic Books: Startup Escalation 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 Crockery 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 .

Dammit, More Internatonal Incidents!

The Adventures of Me 2004

The Crockery of Chaos

I've spent the year so far, cleaning up my Enemies List. Now, I'm back in a favorite old town where I lived once, with Judy my favorite old lady (well, two years my senior), and I'm ready to retire. But stories don't always end just because the writers retire, and wars don't always end just because you capture the leaders. Cases in point:

The Crockery of Chaos. I hang out in online forums for chaos mages. They're a varied bunch; some of them even make their own pottery. And some of them like to summon chaos spirits, and acquire power objects. Some of them even store these power objects in pottery. Fine with me, except the objects are calling me for help!

  • I used to have superhuman blood cells! They fled my body after they got me into mortal danger they couldn't handle, thanks very much. But now they've been captured, and stored in magic pottery, with chaos demons as defenders!
  • As much as I'd like to abandon those turncoats like they abandoned me, I happen to know these babies can start an omniversal war. And it's my blood, therefore my responsibility. And so...
  • There's me and a renegade chaos spirit, masquerading as Bugs Bunny, walking across broken china and drugged needles, and dodging crockery thrown by my parents. (Or, more likely, chaos spirits masquerading as them, because not only is my real Mom dead and my real Dad faking it, I can't imagine the two of them agreeing on anything long enough to go into action on it.) It hurts, and the poor bunny is getting sliced up, but I can coat my feet and shield my arms with plates. (11 May 2004)
  • I manage to get my renegade chaos spirit working, and win through to the magic crockery! Then to escape, I get on a ferry - which capsizes. I get out with my underwear only (aren't you glad this story has no pictures?), and confront some people tearing up tents. They're spouting gibberish, so I spout back, and get away in my faithful convertible mini-SUV whose top opens to let me in.
  • I guess ever since I took out the dominant evil villain mages, all the wannabes have been cropping up. I can evade their minions, but the new little leaders aren't confident enough to come out of hiding yet. I wonder if it ever pays to defeat evil?

    Trial By Ameritech 2. I've worked for a phone company that has this predilection for sedition trials. And they've been having labor problems, so they're gearing up for a lot of root cause inquisitions. It's really not important how these things turn out... but I'll always remember, they cared enough to persecute me. (3 Jun 2004)

    The Crockery Hits The Fan. After that business with the crockery of chaos, I've got some skull-shaped statuary to dispose of... along with their contents, which grant superhuman powers. They once granted these powers to me, but I am so not going back there. At least not with those blood cell colonies; they had attitude like you wouldn't believe.

  • Okay, I've got a better explanation for my lady Judy than I did on the ferry, so now she's going to help. She's going to take the crock to Hoffman Estates, Illinois, USA, where Nightfall Systems has set up a lab at the Prairie Stone complex. I'd go myself, but chaos mages are watching me, and Judy's the one who wants me to have less to do with them, so she's motivated.
  • So Judy unloads the crock in Illinois, and that should be the end of it... but a couple of weeks later, I get a call from Greenland. The crock wound up there, in Kangerlussuaq - the science office of the Total Conversion Foundation!
  • So I wind up going to visit the science community at Kangerlussuaq in Greenland. After they sign a contract, of course. Judy goes too, because she's a med tech, and when it comes to organizations that Ellipsis runs, I insist on independent verification. More money for the Ferguson Engineering Research Group!
  • Two days later, we start the analysis. But then things hit the fan.
  • We all recover, but we discover, the mysterious assailant dived through a teleport gate of his own to escape us! The Foundation would like to debrief us individually... which is to say, Ellipsis now wants to mentally interrogate each observer in person.
  • As it turns out, the face-to-face portion of the "interview" is with Ellipsis's wife, Julie Wolcott. But she's just there to make the interviewees comfortable enough for Ellipsis to mentally put us to sleep while he walks through our minds.
  • So, if that commando was my grandpa, then what? I've given up personal intervention in international crises. I do go investigate that abandoned town in Labrador where my dad said he was going to live... but it's abandoned. Go figure. I guess I'm out of luck. (5 Jun 2004)

    Trial By Fire. Once I break loose from Greenland and Labrador, I go to Vermont for a nice warm Southern vacation. I find a hotel where I can do some hiking, but as I walk along a highway, I get recognized by a guy in a minivan - and it's Adolf Hitler! (21 June 2004)

  • But he's from an alternate universe I once visited. He shaved off his beard so as not to look like Ulysses Grant, but he still has glasses and a full mustache.
  • Not only do I get a ride, I get an invitation to South Carolina - where he's known as Governor Arnold Wolf! He came into power in the last election, thanks to the votes of recent immigrants who want to set the state up as an independent Christian nation. It's widely suspected that he'll be the next governor to join the New South secession movements. And so...

  • I'm in a Museum of Godless Nations in a South Carolina shopping mall, with Governor Wolf and his wife. There's an exhibit on Nazi Germany, but my companions have skipped to the Soviet Union exhibit.
  • Then I notice several wastebaskets smouldering. I try to throw a cup of water on the nearest fire, but that just makes it spread. An extension cord has melted, so it's an electrical fire now!
  • I panic and make it to the door with one other man and a boy, but that's it. By the time the paramedics cart off the Governor, you could say it's a good thing that his face is unrecognizable.
  • I happen to know that Total Conversion has a superhuman (if you can call Doctor Lithium that) who's capable of arson. Now I know how to respond to an ad that says, "If you had superpowers and could save Hitler's life, what would you do?" Unfortunately, I could respond, but I can't back it up. (24 June 2004)
  • Rednecks' Revenge. Back in Massachusetts, I have to get my car serviced. Fortunately there's a Jiffy Lube that'll send someone out to tow me. Unfortunately, there's a traffic jam due to a truck unloading overalls for a Rednecks' Revenge rally. (25 June 2004)

  • Ever since the Governor of South Carolina got put in intensive care on the critical list, Southern sympathizers are swarming out of the woodwork. And New England has plenty of these; you just have to go an hour's drive away from Boston in practically any direction.
  • Fortunately, the Jiffy Lube truck and I manage to bull through the rally. Unfortunately, rednecks start chasing us. They're awfully vigorous for fat guys.
  • Fortunately, my car Tater has his own mind, and he hates rednecks. He's unhealthy enough that we have to tow him now, but still he coughs to life and overwhelms the rednecks with noxious fumes, so we all get away.
  • With the Governor incapacitated, the Lieutenant-Governor of South Carolina has assumed power. He's a guy named John Steiger, who worked for the NSA and fought superhumans during the Total Justice War (a.k.a. the Total Manhood War) of 1996. He hates Ellipsis, telepaths, and all superhumans in that order. So he's mentioning the possibility of a national uprising against the Ellipsis - superhuman - United Nations conspiracy, unless some major changes come around in the Presidential elections this November.

    The United States of America seems to be headed for a Second Civil War now. And once again, just like in the Aleutian crisis, I seem to have helped. Or at least I got to watch the whole thing. Dammit!

    Me in Comic Books: Startup Escalation 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 Crockery 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 .

    Mary O' Hanrahan is a character created by Darryl Hunt. John Steiger was created by Paul Fontaine. Doctor Lithium comes from Doug Robinson. All other characters in this fiction are copyright © 2009 by Eiler Technical Enterprises.