Me in Comic Books: Startup Escalation 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 What? 2005 2006 2007 .

The Adventures of Me 1979-2004

What Have I Done? ...

Some former friends from high school are promising to humiliate me at this year's high school reunion, because of someone I've never heard of from Shelbyville, Indiana. Apparently I've given offense. Could they narrow it down a bit?

  • For the purpose of this fiction, I grew up in the little town of Clermont, Indiana, though they call it "Indianapolis" nowadays, ever since the mayor of Indy successfully annnexed almost his whole county for tax purposes.
  • I went to the huge township high school, Ben Davis High. Pretty good for engineers, actually, which made it good for me. They actually had a few computers, even back in 1979 when I graduated, which is more than the big brains over in Speedway could say at the time.
  • Of course, since I graduated in 1979, that means the big 25-year high school reunion is this year.
  • Anyway, my threateners are overplaying their hand, because high school reunions are stupid social rituals anyway. I never saw the point of high school reunions, any more than I saw the point of college reunions at Purdue. Surely they could stuff us all in the football stadium, but what fun would that be?

    So I walk out on the "Garfield on Ice" show that I actually paid to see because it's so damn silly. The people from high school caught me there, and they annoyed me that much. (20 Feb 2004)

    Still, it might behoove me to figure out what the hell my former friends are talking about. What have I done in my life, and whom have I offended, and who knows about it? Surely I've been writing about it for years, but nobody believes what they read on the Web.

    Hmmm, this could take a while...

  • 2004: Wow, just two months so far this year, and I've made a lifetime's worth of enemies. But there's more.
  • 2003:
  • 2002:
  • 2001:
  • 2000:
  • 1999:
  • Before That:
  • I have to admit, I've come a long way since 1988. I now have enough friends to stage an international incident, but I have even more enemies. This whole exercise has done nothing to help me figure out who might be offended at me, because everyone might be. Boy, this is depressing.

    Well, there's only one way out of this... at least for me. Normal people would hire a private detective or something, but that's not my style. I usually get faster results by poking around the problem myself, and then ducking when it blows up in my face. And it always does. As perception goes, I'm thick as a brick, but I'm a blazing bright target. So, off I go to Shelbyville, Indiana.

    Apparently Shelbyville is heavily into the antiquing business now. They've set up a huge mall for it, near the Indiana Downs horse racetrack. The food court alone at this place is three stories tall, and pagoda-shaped. But hey, it's not the silliest thing I've ever seen done to attract tourists. So while I wait for the inevitable confrontation, I do the tourist thing, and have lunch.

    When I get back to the motel room, I find I've been tailed... and it's my old friend Judy, the woman I almost married!

    Well then, I think it's time for a big bear hug. So I lunge at her - but she ducks behind me and gets me in a pretty good hold. Oh goody, a challenge.

    But just before I can break free, Judy yells, "Wyatt! You need a blood test! You've been drugged!" ... Huh?

    Well, she manages to talk me into holding still, while she takes the sample on the spot. Did I ever mention, she's a clinical technician? Meanwhile, an ambulance arrives with some big burly orderlies to keep me under control, so I take the ride to the hospital.

    A few hours later, I'm much more sedate and obviously not dead, so they let me loose. And Judy has a story to tell...

    Well, of course Judy and I are going to be around for the trial. Surely why not; it's not as if I'm putting her in danger for once. Quite the opposite; she drew me into this one. But I can't complain. Compared to all the shadowy secret conspiracies and incredible weirdness I've drawn her into, a dose of Viagra hardly rates as a menace.

    Beyond then, who knows? I'm not sure we're going to try getting married again, since we've established that is a sign of the Apocalypse. Really. And we still have our own lives, bouncing all over North America. But still, both our dance cards are finally wide open. (23 Feb 2004)

    The Adventures of Me 2004

    ... or, Make It Was Again

    Me in Comic Books: Startup Escalation 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 Was Again 2005 2006 2007 .