The Adventures of Me in the Marvel Universe: Startup Escalation 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 .

The Adventures of Me 2000

In the Marvel Omniverse

As ever, my adventures are a weird combination of comic books and alternate-universe National Geographics. Here's the most interesting stuff from the year.

(The dates provided are when I came up with the concept, not necessarily when it "happens". And the concepts are 100% from dreams this year!)

Pop Culture 2000. My world's culture differs somewhat from what we know. Here are some more reasons why:

  • Mary the Superheroine (10 January). Total Conversion (the world's most powerful superhero team) once had a superheroine named "Red Dragon", but better known as Mary O'Hanrahan, or simply "Mary". She led the team in the "Operation Total Justice" Bahamas War of 1996, and the superhero counterattack in which George H.W. Bush's government was overthrown. Now, women are hugely influential compared with before. Hilary Clinton is President; women are leading huge corporations like Hewlett-Packard; and, little children draw pictures of Mary, complete with D-cups.
  • NYC is Extra Irish (11 January). Perhaps because of Mary, New York City has a super-Irish attitude. The cops actually sing "Galway Bay" on patrol.
  • "I'm With Trash", the Action Figures (19 January). Each one actually comes with trash in a baggie!
  •! (20 March) A new web site for an old holy mother. Not sanctioned by the Catholic Church... as if I had to mention that.
  • The Kennedy's Pet Pig (14 April). Reportedly New England's favorite politicians have raised a pig to be as smart as they are. It's running for the Massachusetts Statehouse this year! The Massachusetts Supreme Court checked the rules, and decided, there's no requirement that a Congress"man" be human. The Pig is running Democratic, and leads the Republican candidate by six percentage points.
  • Journey Comes Back, with Lorenz "Mojo" Nixon (24 April). Now there's a teamup.
  • The Beauty of God (9 June). A comic book shows this reverse side of the Spectre the Wrath of God, dancing through fields of flowers with Dutch children in World War 2.
  • The Adventures of Goofus and Gallant (2 October). Remember those loveable "Highlights" magazine scamps Goofus and Gallant? They really exist! The magazine picks real kids to base these adventures on. Right now, the real kids are on a train trip without their "Highlights" chronicler, so we'll never know if Gallant really said, "Would you care to see the view, ma'am?"
  • Arctic Minor League Hockey (5 October). When you get down to minor minor league hockey, the teams cover the North American Arctic. There are icecap stations in Greenland with their own teams.
  • No Data from Florida (11 November). For some reason, the electronic road signs which point toward Florida, all say "No Data". I guess that virus which infected their paper voting systems during the election is spreading.
  • The Rights to USC (9 December). Southern California and South Carolina are having a college football game to determine who has the rights to the name "USC". California's winning, and they have the better floats.
  • Indy 500 Races Finish on Foot (28 December). The Indy Racing League has finally gone too far in its quest for driver safety. All Indy 500 drivers now have to stop their cars and sprint for the finish line on foot. Michael Andretti edges out Al Unser Jr., once they dismount.
  • Various Villains. I certainly have no need to import villains from comic book universes this year. Featuring:

  • Who's Stolen My Melee Weapons? (7 January) Some of these weapons survived universal mergers, and saw action therein. Others have been invested with my "summoning" power to come when needed. In short, these babies have enough mystic power to shake reality.
  • The Reality Shifters (5 February). Two impish humanoids named Bit and Bug seem to have my weapons. They're down in Dallas, trying to find Reed Richards. Or maybe it's Stephen Wolcott; they seem to keep changing their mind. But they're changing reality too. Their followers hole up in the Dallas tunnels whenever reality shifts. And I'm down there with them.
  • The Harvester of Eyes (26 May). An infamous Blue Oyster Cult song seems to have been true once again (much like the Subhumans - off the same album, even). There's a mystic warrior who plucks out people's eyes, and sends them out as floating scouts, encased in life support environments. I see him walk down the streets.
  • Jellyfish in the Mall (18 August). I've been taken hostage in a shopping mall. The hostage-takers report to flying jellyfish, who communicate by lightning and telepathy. The jellyfish aren't interested in us, so we can go free. Now, I have to find a way out, before we're "Entebbeed" by the rescue force.
  • The Candlemaker (31 August). This time, it's an obscure Doom Patrol comic which turns out true. But the Candlemaker predates comic books. Masons came up with ceremonies to placate this creature. And I'm there in one of them, with a Candlewife. But her candles are falling out of her hair. Can I get them tied back in, before Evil goes on a rampage?
  • When Bestiamorphs Attack (9 September). The only reason I might ever agree to carry a cell phone, is because it might come in handy if this happens.
  • Does That Personal Trainer Have My Brother's Brain? (27 September) She says she had a brain transplant. She even has me fooled for a while.
  • The Greenland Rebellion. When I was young, I came up with a wargame in which Greenland rebelled against its Danish rule. Now, I'm there when it happens for real. Featuring:

  • Among the Rebellion in Kangerlussuaq (7 March).
  • Use the Toothpaste, Stupid! (23 April) A little known fact about the Greenland Home Rule is, its government is heavily socialist. A little known fact about socialists is, fluoride in the water supply actually deters socialism. (Why else do you think the United States embarked on a massive program to insert chemicals into the water supply, at the height of the Cold War?) Once I apply a bit of toothpaste in the right places, the rebellion falls apart.
  • Secret Agent Night (26 April). But I do some work to bring peace with justice to Greenland. First, I demonstrate my powers to the United Nations, by flying in to a subcommittee meeting. They send me to make a diversion at a Danish auditorium, where the Danes are deciding on peace conditions. While I draw the guards's attention, other people get in and doctor the informational packages. Could it be... Ellipsis?
  • New Attractions (25 May). Things didn't take long to change after that. (Author's Note: I'm only making up half of the tourist attractions of Kangerlussuaq. Guess which half... or get the real story from this real-life travelogue!)
  • The Douglas Virus, featuring:

  • Y2K Night (1 May). The Y2K effect on civilization was late, but it finally came. Douglas was better prepared than the rest of the world, because it had so many pregnant women. Besides, it seems one of the main viruses spared Douglas specifically. And so my home town becomes a focus for the rebuilding of civilization. Lili Tomlin and Marvel Comics relocate there.
  • Pocket Pal Theology Night (12 July). Doctor Doom has developed a virus which specifically targets Douglas, as revenge for its world ascendancy. He loads it on my pocket computer, while helping me write a theology treatise. I do get the treatise reviewed, but it fares poorly, because the virus wiped out all my supporting data except the stuff from Canada.
  • Dream Vacation 2000. I travel so much, I must be a paid travel writer by now. Featuring:

  • The Millennium in Providenija (23 January). I'm in Nome for the Millennium, taking the ferry to Providenija to see it there first. There's one carpet shop open at midnight there, so I buy some little Russo-Eskimo flags. But overall, Providenija looks a lot like any small North American Arctic town. Boy, it's boring.
  • African Winter Vacation (10 February). I arrive by ship, in a village of dancing native people. The guide is the best; he sleeps us in a really cool tent that keeps the heat out, and his food never spoils in the heat. His staff is cool too. One woman there wrestles lions to get us transportation. She's impervious to damage... but her clothes aren't. Our guide has a rival: a Chinese guy, educated in Moscow under the Communists. All in all, it's lots more fun than Greenland.
  • Sightseeing and Aerobics in Wabush (18 February). I take a sightseeing plane out of Wabush, Labrador. It does aerobatics near the ground. There are lots more buildings and highway junctions on the outskirts of town than there used to be. When I get back, Madonna is holding auditions in Labrador City. Two of my aerobics teachers have come up for them.
  • Yukon Ho! (14 May) The Yukon is covered with new paved roads. It would take me two trips to drive them all.
  • The Teleporting Hotel (8 October). It takes me to buy comic books. Next time I take a business trip, I'm definitely staying there.
  • Prince William's Weddings (3 November). I'm at the wedding of Prince William of Wales. He's having two weddings: one Catholic, one Protestant. He wears an Uncle Sam hat for the first. I tell him he's the one man in the world who shouldn't, and he laughs.
  • Indy 500 Expo (19 December). I'm at an expo at the Indy 500. Outside the gate, they have replacements for every bandana I've ever lost. Inside, they're touring the grandstand suites where auto barons lived in 1910.
  • Family-Friendly Mardi Gras (19 December). I've taken lots of flags to New Orleans, to wave for Fat Tuesday. The Mardi Gras ceremonies are now "family-friendly", with only one Krewe on parade in an arena, followed by karaoke. The Krewe take two of my flags, and I only get one back. All in all, even with the Greenland Rebellion on my vacation list, this is still the suckiest vacation of the year.
  • Let the Games Continue. I've already made it as a paid gaming contestant. This year, I gamed even more than I travelled. Featuring:

  • Calvinball (19 January). I'm playing a team game of Calvinball, where the object is to capture a baton. The teams are mostly very young or old people. My only opponent who's near my fitness level is one woman in a white knit sweater. She grapples me early on, trying to neutralize me. We spend most of the game grappled, until the end, when I grab the baton from a grandfather's shopping cart, and make a run for it. But I pause near the end and let her catch up, so we can win together. (That's right; Calvinball's rules are what you make of them.)
  • Dilbert the Game, with the Gangsta Candidate (19 May). In the Dilbert game, I'm being put in charge of something, with three out of five people in favor. A friend of mine, playing Dogbert, isn't too keen on the idea. In the game, there's a political campaign going on. The leading candidate is young, and is about to do a mugging to go for the gangsta vote. But this trick doesn't work too well when candidates have Secret Service protection.
  • Live Action Pearl Harbor Night (4 June). In Speedway, at the junior high school, we're recreating the Pearl Harbor attack - with German gliders. It's a corporate project, so there's a lot of pressure to get it right. Afterwards, there's dinner theatre, where we try to prove ourselves related to a rich dead English lord, at the reading of the will. I play the guy's son, and I introduce myself in song.
  • Gambling with Harlan Ellison (27 June). I'm at a gaming convention with Harlan Ellison, making bets. I come out even in my last game with him, but I'm down to my last 5 bucks. There's a line for the hotel cash machine; some people aren't moving, some are jumping line.
  • Army Training Night (4 August). The Army needs me to debug two boardgames: France 1914 and Russia 1941. I'm going to put in two variants, where Americans parachute into Moscow, and where drunken Poles take the city. So they rush me through a cut-rate Basic Training course on children's rusty playground equipment. I manage to swing like Tarzan when the jungle gym falls apart.
  • At the Con (19-20 August). My new Count Nefaria t-shirt is a hit at the ConMan convention. Also, I decide that applying rules of card games to other card games would be fun. For instance, XXXenophile and The Great Brain Robbery would go well together.
  • Live-Action Battletech (5 September). My sister and I are playing live-action Battletech in a gym. There are ropes in the air, so we can do jumps. I'm hiding behind some scrap mechs, and she wants to know if she can rip them apart to get to me.
  • The Superhero Challenge (6 September). I'm gamemastering a superhero challenge, in three parts. First, Superman has to buy a $60 bottle of water, but it's magic and can hold a rampaging dragon. Then, Batman and Catwoman have to deal with bees.
  • Elephant Handler (18 September). I'm at a games convention, playing the 5-7 pm slot. I try to get into a Dragon Battle game, but it's full. So, I have to play Elephant Handler. But it's live action. I go look for the elephant, which I know was there earlier. But it's moved. I go ask whether we're to role-play that it's still there.
  • Artificial Earth (16 October). I'm at a game convention, playing an afternoon game which takes place on an artificial Earth, 20 miles in diameter. The oceans have been shoved aside to make room for continents. It's live action, so we have to get in our cars for this one.
  • Genghis Khan vs. Bill Gates (15 December). I'm in a game where Genghis Khan is taking on Bill Gates. Genghis has Mongol warriors, Bill has techno-geeks and a frozen turkey cannon. It looks like a fair fight to me.
  • Me, the Role-Playing Game (22 December). At a convention, there's one game where the players portray other gamers. By Sunday afternoon, three people have portrayed me in games all weekend.
  • Menace to Society . This year, I'm a target, and so are people who know me. Featuring:

  • Silly Death Trap Night (1 August).
  • Invasion (22 August). My enemies are holed up in the building formerly known as Speedway Junior High School. My power of the day is "Clay Being" - kind of like Wonder Woman, only I can change shape and glide. A young psionic woman can get me in there, by greying out the security monitors and telekinetically throwing me. But I can hear her heartbeat, and it's way too fast.
  • Trial By Ameritech. It starts at my favorite phone company where I work, when people think I'm hogging the laser printer with travelog photos. As if I'd ever taken a photo of a polar bear. They don't even have polar bears in the part of Greenland I made it to during the rebellion there. I'm being framed! (30 August)
  • Bad Dreams in Hoffman Estates (20 September). Despite suspicion, I've gone back to Ameritech, because I still gotta work.
  • The H.E.A.L.T.H. Protocols (28 September). I'm working in California on a Saturday with a client and two secretaries, and someone's trying to phone us. A secretary fends her off, but she calls the Governor to call out the National Guard. The National Guard find us, and enforce the Health Evaluation And Laziness Tabulation Heuristics (H.E.A.L.T.H.) to measure our bodily fluids.
  • Renegades of A.S.C. (14 October)
  • The Jehovahpower War. On occasion I can select one or two superpowers from a list, as need be. I've got a new power available this year, but it has some complications - plus some wide-ranging side effects. For one thing, Arkansas will never be the same again.
    The Adventures of Me in the Marvel Universe: Startup Escalation 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 .
    Doctor Doom and the X-Men are Marvel Comics characters. Mary O'Hanrahan is a character created by Darryl Hunt. All other characters in this fiction are copyright © 2006 Eiler Technical Enterprises.