Rednecks from Mars - The Red Planet!

We got to Mars when the aliens put us there. The saucers swiped us, don't you know. People've been telling you that for years.

The saucer aliens offered to put us back on Earth first. But a bunch of us said, no way. If you're going to take us away from home, you best be ready to keep us.

I stayed with them. My farm was failing, and I didn't feel right about asking my brother Kent to take me in. If the aliens wanted to take me, they could damn well take me in themselves.

They couldn't put us on their Moon base, because there was no room. But they said, you want to live on Mars, no problem. We'll set you up with trailer homes and the right outdoor gear.

So we got us a Mars base. We were near this one concealed glacier in the Hellas Crater, so there was ice for water there. We grew stuff in a greenhouse. The saucers sent us new gear and supplies maybe twice a year. We even got us a visitor once, just for one night. We charged her $22,000 for the night. Her money wasn't any good on Mars, but we kept it anyway. (See Related Story)

Last year the saucer people said they were leaving forever, because new aliens were coming and the saucers had to run away. (See Related Story) They didn't even offer to take us away with them or back to Earth or anything. We was stuck.

We were okay for right then. But we knew we'd someday be missing some alien machine part or some Vitamin K or something. So we started radioing Earth then. But Earth was kind of preoccupied, because the new aliens were coming there too, and the old aliens were trying to wipe out the Earth just for spite! We couldn't save the Earth. But we could save ourselves, dammit.

The new aliens landed in the middle of Olympus Mons. That was like the other side of the planet, about 4000 miles, and all uphill. We were on the lowest point on the planet, and they were on the highest. But that's just a long drive for us. So I drove my Mars pickup truck to meet them. I knew it'd be a long hard trip, so I loaded up with fuel cells, plus all the winches and big spare tires the colony could give me.

I went up this road we had from our crater to the northern plain, then headed kind of northeast then southeast around this one big mountain, to end up at Olympus. (See Related Commentary) Yeah, I got stuck once or twice, but that happens on Earth too. You just winch yourself out and keep going.

I thought I could get my truck up the mountain. But that didn't happen; the truck slid off. There was ice on that mountain! Something up in the crater top was belching out water, and it was freezing real fast. I had to walk to the top. And unless I found what I was looking for there, I'd be stuck. Dead.

Wouldn't you know it, my suit started seizing up. It was designed for desert, and this air was full of humidity. I laid down and I thought it might be the end. But then the aliens found me!

The new aliens were mighty glad to see me. They called themselves The Trillions. At first I figured they were bragging, because they couldn't have fit more than a city in their ship. But they said, there's more where they came from.

They knew people lived in this solar system, just not on Mars. And they'd picked a place to land without looking for water first. They were exhaling water out their ship like nobody's business, but they were going to run out at that rate. I got to say, these aliens are either pretty stupid, or they got worse things than water to worry about.

So we traded. I introduced them to the concept of trading. I had a little computer with me, so I could tell them what we needed. I said they had to take me back to where there was water on Mars, then they could have some - if they gave us some Vitamin K. They had a full-up machine shop (or something that works the same), so we could trade later for replacement parts.

That's how I got back to base. And that's how I got back to Earth. I drove a space semi. My Mars pickup truck was always airtight, but we figured a semi would be best. Of course, it has one of those anti-gravity drives now. Brought my wife with me to Earth, because it's a long ride.

Hey from Mars. We sure are glad you saved yourselves, 'cause we're your friends.