Me in Comic Books:
The Adventures of Me 2006
The Clenching Fist of Iowa
Dammit, I'm staying as far away from this one as I can. But it can never be far enough. Especially when an old friend resurfaces. In Iowa. Why do people have to resurface in Iowa so often?
(For my international audience, Iowa is one of those heartland provinces of North America. Iowa has lots of corn, but not much else of international importance. Iowa would be kind of like Belarus, except Iowa never had nukes, and Iowa's host country hasn't ever successfully deconstructed as yet.)
Ultimate Ted. Ted Clark, late (as in deceased) genius-leader of DuoPolarity of Boston, is back... 30 years younger! And his wife doesn't know! He's like Ultimate Ted now, the same way all those comic book heroes get rebooted as "Ultimate Spider-Man" and such.
- Industrialist Russell Anvernacht wished Ted back during the last reality shift - to help bring an iron fist of control to Maquoketa, Iowa! From there, Dubuque. Then the Quad Cities and all of Iowa's eastern tip. And from there the world! At least Anvernacht isn't thinking small... in the long term.
- He's taking over, the same way anyone takes over a small town. He's the mayor, and he has the police and the judge in his pocket.
- He's trying to get technology development to town, with some success. Apparently his cheap small-town work force is an attraction. His town now has enough high-tech, that he flies around town in a flying harness.
- He's indulging his urge to power too. He's already renamed the main street "Doom Street". He's trying to get the town renamed "Anvernacht". Kind of like "Kohler, Wisconsin", except Mr. Anvernacht didn't build his town the same way Mr. Kohler did.
- But why's Anvernacht there? He landed there, from the shift before last, in 2004. I was proud to drive that shift, since a terrorist named "Domesday" was holding me hostage at the time.
- One may note, Anvernacht and "Domesday" have never been seen together. But neither have I and (for instance) Fidel Castro. (I almost said "Osama bin Laden", but we have been seen together.)
- Besides, whenever anyone accusses Russell Anvernacht of consorting with terrorists, he sues them.
I'm there as a favor to Ted's ex-wife Ingrid. When rumors arise of an inventor named Ted Clark, I agree to check it out for her, because I live near Iowa anyway.
- Surely enough, I find a young inventor tagging along with paramilitary police. I get the police's attention quickly enough, just by walking behind Town Hall. Police are paranoid nowadays...
- ... But anyway, they call him Ted. And he looks like my old friend Ted, only younger. And he's made some riot gear for the police.
- So I call in Ingrid. I even pick her up at Moline Airport. She says she'll watch Ted, but she'd like me to check out one more thing before I leave town. She's heard a particularly disturbing rumor...
(17 Apr 2006)
In the Camps. Our Superhumans are moving toward a civil war. Some want to work with the politicians (but which politicians?); some want to rebel.
So, the U.S. Gov is looking for a safe place to store its pet superhumans at. The campgrounds at the Blackhawk Conservation Area near Maquoketa are looking good, because they're both remote (in a cultural sense) and centrally located (in a U.S. power politics sense). And nearby Mayor Anvernacht is promising a supportive environment for security concerns. (19 Apr 2006)
But the bureaucrats may not have realized the implications of herding a certain class of people into camps. Yeah, that will calm the rebellion...
... Anyway, Ingrid would like me to check the camps out.
In the campgrounds, mages seem to be holding role-playing games. But they're really rituals, with squirrels as familiars, to contact the Ultimate Darkness. They say they're getting notes in return, but I've seen these notes, and they look like pranks to me. As throughout most of my experiences, most mages are doofuses.
- This could be the start of another attempt to revert last year's reality shift. But they can attempt all they like. I've found it just doesn't pay to fight reality. (20 Apr 2006)
- Construction is starting in the camp. They're building a water tower now.
- And superhumans are just now starting to arrive. Some recognize me, because I'm sort of the most powerful superhuman in the world right now. Or at least my associate the Powernaut is. They'd like to recruit him.
- I know the Powernaut says no, he only fights for justice. So they're leaning on me all the more. Oh, joy. But also, oh well. Did I say, I'm sort of the most powerful here? So off I go.
I report back to Ingrid. She agrees, maybe I'd best leave town. She'll manage somehow without a big strong male like me to protect her. Well, yes, I know that already.
Attack of the Vincible Stomper. It seems I've missed the fun (for once). A giant battle-bot is marching through Iowa now.
- And what's Madfinger, maker of the infamous Giant Afghan Robot, doing lately? Apparently building this giant robot in the Maquoketa camps, camouflaged as a water tower! Well, he certainly fooled me.
- The robot moves like a spider with four legs plus a big stomper. Just like a water tower would, if you turned it into a battle-bot. It doesn't have any armament, but people can throw stink-bombs out of holes in the top. And that's enough to dispose of the camp guards.
- There seems to be one superhuman in particular (other than me) whom people are interested in. The Battle-Bot has come for her! It's there in the camp, and so is she. And only gore remains, once it stomps on her. Eww.
- Then the robot goes on into town. There it attracts the mayor's attention. Remember, he has a flying suit.
- And so he finds out: Aside from the legs and platform, the robot is made of wicker! And there's a driver's station, but nobody's driving it now!
- It's not too hard to shut the robot down after that. But where'd the driver go? And did anyone else go with him?
(25 Apr 2006)
Eve of the War. Though I missed the action at the camps, I meet an escapee.
- I'm on travel to Rhode Island. Given the congestion at NYC and Boston airports, Rhode Island is often the most convenient way to visit New England. (27 Apr 2006)
- I've found a house to sleep at. I can sleep in the living room until 9:30 am without being disturbed. As I've often found, sofas are better than hotels.
- From there, I can go out to a DJ conference that I've come to visit. There's one DJ there who's done some interesting remixes of country music. I've seen what happens when a mutant supergenius DJ remixes ZZ Top to attack alien minions with, so, I'm trying to keep track of DJs now.
- We see a woman walking around, dressed like a nun in a swimsuit. She quickly gets hustled off.
- I run into her later. By now, she's in a sensible skirt and floral-print blouse, and carrying some flowers. That's about as chaste as one can look, while still looking pretty.
- We also quickly establish that she can command me. Either she's got mental powers, or she's just a fabulous sweet babe. I can't decide, and I'm not sure I care.
But then, she just wants to talk. It shows all the signs of villainous monologue, as well I know, but I think she's just being sweet.
- Her name is Eve. Eve Ste. Marie. Eve Ste. Marie Lateran. She admits to having a brother named Philippe St. Josephe. Which is to say, she's the little sister of the war criminal mentalist who once tried to break my mind.
- Her big brother Philippe is Canadian, and sneers at U.S. Gov attempts to control him. But Eve herself was in the U.S. as a tourist - and a whore. And a mentalist too. It didn't take much to get her into Superhuman Camp.
- Apparently Philippe has set up an international alliance to get his little sister out of camp. The Mighty Tim himself, late of the United Nations, signed on. So did the international rogue Madfinger, maker of the infamous Giant Afghan Robot that the Mighty Tim fought once.
- Madfinger came up with the "Vincible Stomper"! It rescued Eve from the Maquoketa camps. In fact, she's the one the Stomper appeared to stomp into gore! Gore planted in advance, of course. Eve crawled into the Stomper through a hatch in its foot.
- So now Eve's supposed to mind-control the Powernaut, the world's mightiest hero, into joining her sponsors' cause.
Well then. I think she deserves her chance. So I call forth the Powernaut - who secretly resides within me! Let's not get too heavily into how that happened; I've practically lost track myself.
- The Powernaut has his own mind. And he's not being controlled! He promises to help - just like he'd help anyone in need. Then he goes off to help people in need. Yay, Powernaut!
- Eve cries, in a sweet little way. I try to comfort her, but then she says, "I thought you could make him help me! What good are you?" And she stalks off.
- I guess I'm supposed to be crushed, and promise my everlasting devotion to her as long as she'll just let me do what she wants...
- ... Yeah, right. I'm kind of immune to breakups by now. I had another one less than two months ago. So I guess my own unique powers of emotional detachment have once again protected me.
(2 May 2006)
So what have we learned? Government in my part of the world is moving ever closer to repression. The targets of repression in my part of the world have mounted a spectacular demonstration in response. Outright rebellion never works too well here, but it's always a possibility.
Oh well, it's always something. As far as I can tell, the natural tendency of governments is toward repression. If the target weren't superhumans, it would probably be homosexuals or illegal immigrants or dis-belivers in Creation Science or something.
But that doesn't mean I have to put up with it. I think I've had enough. I'm betting there's something better out there, and I'm going to find it. After all, I can walk across the universes, so I don't have to just sit here and whine about this one. (25 May 2006)