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jar.txt

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A New Movement for the Domination of Eiler


Judging from the current United States Presidential campaign, it is becoming fashionable among U.S. politicians to approach problems in the most brash and simplistic manner. If the electorate is really so gullible as to fall for some of these entertainer-politicians, the Domination of Eiler may be forced to intervene... As of the Republican primary in New Hampshire 2016, the time has come.

The Dominator sometimes participates in neighborhood governance like any world-citizen would, but entering any United States political race is beneath him. Still, he can always delegate. And he has the ideal candidate in mind for the current political climate. The Dominator hereby places one of his bowel movements in a jar, and submits that for consideration as United States President!


Legally, this seems in order. In courts of law, stray DNA is considered identical to the person who generated it. And any DNA test will establish that Bowel Movement In A Jar was born well within United States borders in the 1960s, descended from U.S. citizens. So President Bowel Movement would be in the middle age range of candidates, with a less controversial ancestry than some.

In domestic policy, President Bowel Movement would be largely hands-off. He has two policies: (1) National infrastructure to function sustainably, with equal access for all who have need. (2) Sanitary but mutually useful interface between his nation and the world. If his executive decisions are not obvious from those simple policies, decision-making authority would formally escalate to the Domination of Eiler. (At last!)

Worldwide, President Bowel Movement mignt be unpopular due to his not having a media-propaganda ideal physical appearance. But the media is obviously biased, as many candidates will already testify. And the world is getting more used to people "coming out" as what they are. When world leaders find what a good world-citizen Bowel Movement In A Jar is, they shall embrace alliance with him.

The Domination's political analysts feel that Bowel Movement In A Jar is eminently electable. He will have a strong support base of loonies, swiped from other candidates. True supporters of the Libertarian Party (the ones who don't just vote for the one who declares for the Republican Party as a publicity stunt) will admire his non-intervention policy. The rest of the people will admire his earthiness and his oneness with the people. And all the people who say "Learn about _____ before you disrespect him", will open their minds even further and be forced to embrace this new movement. Besides, would you rather vote for President Trump, or President Dump???

All Hail Bowel Movement In A Jar for President 2016 - and the Domination of Eiler!

 

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