Brasil-and-Outposts, Domination Journal: Operation Rumba
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Domination of Eiler Special Journal
The Domination of Eiler Invades the Southern Hemisphere!
What Is the Domination of Eiler?
In one sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a political entity modeled upon the Holy Roman Empire. Which is to say, it works through national and local political entities, but transcends nation-state boundaries. You may already be a citizen without knowing it!
In another sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a pen name for an amateur but very prolific web journalist. Perhaps you may enjoy these travel writings, given this simple guide:
The Domination of Eiler is led by, of course, the Dominator.
Its chief military force, and bodyguard of the Dominator, is the Domination Guard.
The Domination grants its protection to all within its borders, even unto larval humans. Thereby its alliances with children's charities, such as the Christian Children's Fund, or CCF. Thereby, invitations for the Domination to support CCF maneuvers in Third World countries.
For over two decades, the Domination of Eiler has engaged in a secret program to ease the passage of North Americans through the Third World, by subsidizing the growth of young women to welcome the travellers. The Domination's coalition partner "Christian Children's Fund", or "CCF", has been pleased to regularly soak up a fraction of the Domination's U.S. dollar reserves for this purpose.
This year, the program bears fruit which the Domination of Eiler can harvest. "CCF" has now offered its donors a tour of the South American nation-state of Brazil (hereafter referred to as "Brasil"). The Domination is aggressively exploiting this opportunity, to further its worldwide conquests.
- Of course, the tour ends in Rio de Janeiro, the site of "Jesus of Rio", the world's only concrete statue which is bigger than Giant-Size Chief Black Hawk of Oregon, Illinois, Domination of Eiler. The Domination therefore considers the Jesus of Rio statue a worthy target.
- But first the tour goes off the beaten path, to the working class cities of Belo Horizonte (highlands, slightly inland from Rio de Janeiro) and Fortaleza (rain forest, near the pointy bit of Brasil). It so happens, the Domination has subsidized young women in both these locations.
- "All" expenses are paid, including hotel, restaurants (oh, does that include the Domination Guard alcohol ration?), and airline travel - once the tourists get themselves to Miami, Florida. Given the Domination's currency reserves and its connections with travel providers, travel to Miami should not be an issue. As for the alcohol ration, the Domination trusts the One Maker to provide.
The Domination has designated this operation as "Rumba". This operation will require months of planning and preparation, as well as operations against downtown Chicago, Illinois, Domination of Eiler, where the Brasileiros maintain an outpost in Domination territory. These preparations have been included in the operation journal.
Friday 27 May 2005: The nation-state of Brasil requires a tourist visa for entry by Domination forces and other residents of areas claimed by the "United States of America". One suspects, Brasil is just mirroring the "United States" requirements on Brasileiro citizens.
Fortunately, the paperwork is said to be trivial, especially if one can hop a train to downtown Chicago, go up North Michigan Avenue to the Consulado-Geral do Brasil, and bring a passport plus the details of the tour and $100 USD or so. ($110 by mail.) The Dominator therefore makes the "commit" decision for the mission.
Saturday 28 May 2005: A registration form is sent to reserve the tour, along with a check of roughly $3000 USD. (This is positively cut-rate; an Antarctic cruise with the National Geographic costs $11,000.)
There is concern, in that "CCF" still reserves the right to say, "You aren't in time for the tour, but thanks for the donation." But the Domination of Eiler in turn reserves the right to say, "Do you ever want donations again?"
Tuesday 31 May 2005: For this tour, the Domination's expeditionary force has to publicly declare that it does not molest little girls. The Domination of Eiler will readily affirm this, and so will submit to the indignity of a background check.
- However, the background check form has to be notarized. Fortunately, the local check-cashing place will do this, for the nominal sum of $1 USD.
- Unfortunately, the local check-cashing place has a line of local check-cashers, who just couldn't get their paperwork in order. Oops, they lost their driver's license, and stuff like that. And they bring their kids, to play in the antechamber.
- It takes great effort for Domination forces to pass this hurdle. But in the end, the Domination conquers as ever.
Saturday 4 June 2005: "CCF" confirms the Domination's slot on the tour. Phew. Airline reservations to Miami are therefore in order.
- United Airlines owes the Domination a free trip, for frequent flyer miles. However, United Airlines is incredibly unwilling to deliver, unless the Domination gives it more miles to upgrade from "Saver" to "Regular". United Airlines can therefore kiss the Domination's ass. And its miles can go to its coalition partners - as has happened once before, to get a Domination expeditionary force to New Orleans on Delta Airlines.
- American Airlines can get the Domination expeditionary force to Miami and back, for under $200 USD. However, the Domination is going to explore whether it can get the trip for free, just for being a really, really good credit card customer. Really. But this has to happen during business hours on Monday.
Monday 6 June 2005: Airline to Miami booked for free, thanks. And the Domination's reward balance is good for three more such flights.
Saturday 2 July 2005: U.S. Post Office Money Order obtained for the visa application, for the convenience of the Consulado-Geral.
Sunday 3 July 2005: Passport photos obtained for the Brasileiro visa form. Hoffman Estates vendor Jet Photo USA did it within ten minutes, which beats the last place to do that service. The proprietor takes maybe five days off per year, which is too bad for him, but good for the Domination. Recommended!
The Consulate Raid
Friday 8 July 2005: Domination forces raided the Consulado-Geral do Brasil em Chicago. Objective: Visa!
- Despite recent transit concerns with politicial-activist mass murderers on trains in the Domination's London-England outpost, the Domination Train was employed to transport the forces. The Domination Guard bicycle force escorted the Dominator to the train station.
- The wait at the consulate was trivial... the first time. There was a separate line for visas, and everyone else there wanted the passport line.
- But the turnaround on visa requests is six days. The Domination force therefore joined a steady stream of Brasileiro passport applicants, in going around the corner to the U.S. Post Office for a self-addressed stamped envelope for the returned paperwork. With plenty of insurance, thanks.
- Back at the consulate, a slightly longer wait ensued to give the envelope to the Brasileiro authorities. Still no line, but the authorities were busy doing paperwork.
- Having had not enough waiting in line at consulates, the Domination crossed the street to the United Kingdom consulate, and waited in a much longer line (about 12 people) so the Dominator could sign a condolence book. This seems an appropriate effort when organized slayers attack the Domination's citizenship.
In conjunction with this raid, a rented room has been obtained for two days of Domination patrolling in Chicago and Evanston, in honor of Domination Day. These Chicago places have submitted to the Domination today:
- O'Neil's Bar and Grill submitted lunch.
- The Cass Hotel submitted lodgings. Amazingly, it is cheaper (at least on weekends) to stay in Chicago and raid Evanston, than vice versa!
- And this hotel is across the street from Pizzeria Due (the very first Pizzeria Uno expansion) and an Episcopal cathedral, so how bad can it be? Good enough for a nap, at least. Also a decent night's sleep, as it turned out.
- And European tourists seem to love it, judging from the line at the coffee shop in the morning.
- And the locals seem to love it, judging from the neighborhood crowd at the bar in the evening.
The Kerryman Bar and Restaurant submitted dinner.
- Ghiradelli's Chocolate Shop submitted dessert.
Saturday 9 July 2005: Domination forces, after the Brazilian consulate raid, moved into Evanston by train. The Chicago Transit Authority gave some opposition, by not providing direct service to Evanston on weekends... but Domination forces prevailed nonetheless. These Evanston places submitted:
- The Evanston Lakefront Park submitted a hot dog and some lemonade. Plus, it gave the conquering Domination forces a long-awaited opportunity to dip a ceremonial bandana into Lake Michigan!
- If any of the Domination's citizens wish to recreate this mighty feat, they will have to either submit (currency) to Town-of-Evanston barricades which guard their swimming beach - or evade those barricades a few hundred yards north. The Domination, of course, bypassed the rebellious barricades.
- The Evanston Historical Society submitted a 1.5-hour guided tour of their headquarters, the historic Charles Dawes House. The local Historical Society is always the prime Domination target in any town, and Evanston is no exception.
- Charles Dawes's claim to history is, he was Calvin Coolidge's U.S. vice president, 1924-1928. So, for those who think Calvin Coolidge and his historic village (Pinkham Notch, Vermont, Domination of Eiler) are obscure, Evanston goes them one better!
- Charles Dawes's claim to architecture is, his library is bigger than most mansions' ballrooms! Quite impressive, by town museum standards.
- Plus, the mansion gave some clues to Evanston history. Evanston was built around Northwestern University - which started life as a 1800s-fundamentalist Christian school. And this has warped local politics to the present day. Most importantly...
- Evanston finally repealed Prohibition-of-Alcohol in 1999. There are plenty of places to drink in public and then drive home afterward, but many people say it's still hard to find a liquor store here so as to drive home before drinking.
- The Davis Street Fish Market submitted lunch: jambalaya washed down with the draft Bell's Amber Ale of Kalamazoo. Good thing Prohibition is finally repealed here.
The Celtic Knot Public House submitted High Tea! Which is to say, a civilized afternoon beverage, along with cream, scones, tarts, and little sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
- Is it customary to bring the infants to High Tea? Apparently so, judging from the clientele. Fortunately, as in many places, the barroom is childfree.
Targets of opportunity emerged in the Wrigleyville neighborhood of Chicago on the way back.
- The Chicago Cubs baseball team was down in Florida, working around some incoming hurricanes. Winning too, for once. It seems they cope better with high winds than the Floridians do.
- In the Cubs' place, the local neighborhood association was holding an anti-Domination festival in the streets, complete with barricades, money shakedowns, and a rap performance. This act of rebellion was bypassed.
- Later in the night, the festival declared allegience to the Domination... with barricades removed, and covers of The Call. Love those 80s. But still, too little, too late.
- The Goose Island Brew Pub submitted dinner: buffalo kabob over couscous, washed down with the draft Goose Island Mild of Wrigleyville. Okay at $4 USD a pint, but most of their beers are $5 and are to be avoided.
- ImprovOlympic submitted "Whirled News Tonight", their improv nightly news show. And you pick the news clippings that they cover!
- Now, what's their take on the hurricanes in Florida? (They skipped it, the wusses! Oh, the lost comedic potential of traumatized drunks fleeing Margaritaville.)
- And will someone make them comment on bombings in London? (They did comment on al-Qaeda's Master Plan to rack up smaller and smaller casualty counts, with smaller and smaller targets, on smaller and smaller forms of transport, in smaller and smaller nations, until eventually they're killing half a human at a time and terrorizing parameciums on bicycles in Monaco!)
- Back downtown, Jake Melnick's Corner Tap submitted dessert: strawberry cheesecake, washed down with the draft Goose Island Summertime of Chicago... at just $3.5 USD a pint. Goose Island of Wrigleyville should take notes.
Sunday 10 July 2005: The Dominator observed Kingdom-of-Heaven obeisance at St. James Episcopal Cathedral. It was very cathedral-like. But if the Domination had known its choir was "pick-up" in the summertime, the Domination Guard choral force could have joined in.
Return to the Core Territories by the Domination Train. Wrap luncheon at Emmett's Brewery in downtown Palatine.
Sadly, there was enemy action against the Domination's NARF-Cycle, while it was locked up at the train station: the bike helmet was missing. (The Domination Guard did not even consider the possibility of riding without helmet, nor taking the helmet into Chicago.) A replacement helmet was quickly procured at Mike's Bike Shop, however. The NARF-Cycle itself was unharmed and entirely rideable.
Despite this action by evil rebels, the Domination declares victory for this raid.
- The Village-of-Palatine police have been informed of the helmet theft, and are acting with all the energy that one expects of non-Domination authority. In short, they're filing a report. The anti-social action shall be noted as a black mark forever upon the village, and reports made available from the police Records Bureau during normal business hours.
- The Consulado-Geral do Brasil and the U.S. Postal Service have been acceptably energetic, though. They together got the visa back to Domination headquarters within five days. (For future reference, a visa is simply a stamp in a passport.)
- The week after that, "CCF" finally advised its tourists to seek passports and visas as soon as possible. But Domination force policy is, sooner than what normal people consider possible.
- Only one major preparation remains: a medical consultation, so as to wave the dead cat and take any other actions which Northern Hemisphere medical science trusts to ward off tropical diseases. This will be complete by 17 August.
- Completed on schedule. Doctor looked at the Brasileiro recommendations, and said, the only thing of interest is Hepatitis A vaccine - which isn't too reliable, and he didn't have it in stock anyway. Gotta love that Illinois socialized medicine.
- Meanwhile, the Domination Guard forces got their occasional physical. The rectal exam didn't complete; go figure. But in all other respects, the Guard has maintained its certification as Domination-class.
- The Domination expeditionary force is completing its own minor preparations, including procurement of these useful travel items:
- Travel insurance, so as to ward off hurricanes while passing through Miami. AAA took about five minutes to fill out the order over the phone.
- A universal electrical transformer, obtained months in advance on general principle. Reports indicate, Brasileiro locations use whatever outlets and voltages they damn well feel like.
- A new safari shirt. The old ratty one can also come along on the trip... but now it won't have to come back.
- A pocket Portuguese dictionary.
- A "travel tape", now using modern technology to play roughly 15 hours of Domination-grade rock music on the Conquering Cell Phone. This preparation is going so well, the Domination expects to carry 30 hours of music on the mission!
- Unfortunately, the price of Domination-grade 1-Gigabyte SD-Ram storage seems to have gone up. But the Domination is conquering none the less.
- A commemorative Domination in Minas Gerais shirt, to wear at the ceremony honoring the Domination of Eiler in Belo Horizonte.
- Minas Gerais trivia: The provincial motto is the Latin phrase for "Liberty Although Late". The Domination honors the use of this phrase. And it makes an awfully cool logo, in the Dominator's opinion.
- Unfortunately, it seems the Domination's young sponsored woman lives near Fortaleza, so the ceremony will actually be held in the State of Ceara! Belo Horizonte is only her bureaucratic mailing address, thank you very much "CCF".
- A commemorative Domination in Ceara T-shirt has therefore been designed and ordered. For this purpose, the Ceara state logo has been modified to include Domination symbols, just like the Illinois state logo has. Let's see if people even notice.
- Some miniature Domination flags to give as gifts and plant at strategic objectives, such as the feet of Jesus of Rio. For purpose of peaceful relations with the good Christians of Brasil and the CCF, the Domination flag will likely be presented as the Eiler family crest, and/or as the suitably fruity "Hug the Earth with the Speedy Happiness Flag".
- Other souvenirs of the Core Territories of the Domination of Eiler, to give as gifts. The coalition partner "Sparrow's Nest Thrift Store" is expected to provide many good trophies for the Domination's new allies.
- The thrift store has come through. "CCF" analysts say, the Domination's adult allies in Brasil will appreciate the candle holder and scented candles.
- Meanwhile, the young sponsored woman will probably appreciate such parts of the Dominator's stuffed animal collection as he wishes to clean from his closet - especially if presented with the phrase, "My mommy gave me this."
- Some of the Domination's citizenry is even supporting the mission, with contribution of suitably girly-girl stuff! The hair ties will be very useful. The moisturizing lotion may be irrelevant that close to the rain forest, but it's fancy, so the young woman will probably love it anyway.
CCF is finally giving some details on the tour.
- The Domination combined expeditionary force is entering Brasil via Sao Paolo. The force will get a chance to conquer a coffee shop in Sao Paolo's airport, but that's about it before the airborne assault upon Fortaleza begins.
- All stages of the campaign will involve airlifts. The Domination enjoys a good ground assault, but a bus ride from Belo Horizonte to Rio de Janeiro would take at least five hours, not counting (or even necessarily allowing) access to bathrooms.
- All contact with the CCF/Domination-sponsored natives will be in the big cities; the natives will be bussed in from the countryside. Disappointing for the invasion force, but a treat for the native contacts, so the Domination can't really complain.
- Every meal will come from fine restaurants. This will offer much eating of meat, which Brasil is famous for. Plus full selections of alcohol rations for Domination purchase, at least at dinner. But stay away from ice cubes, for they are made of native water! Oh well, beer is good food.
- All the hotels are supposedly Domination-grade. All are air conditioned, according to CCF. This could be important, near the equator.
- The tour group has roughly the same male-female ratio as the Domination's aerobics classes. At least 2:1 female, that is. It remains to be seen whether the 44-year-old trooper from the Domination Guard, is the youngest of the expeditionary force.
- The tour group comes from throughout the largest contiguous part of North America claimed by the "United States of America". Ironically, two of the group come from Appleton, Wisconsin, which submitted to the Domination's June offensive.
- The Domination now knows some of the allies' hobbies, via web search on name and town. The same sort of casual Googling will quickly reveal that the Dominator consorts with Episcopalians, either hangs out in charity thrift stores or helps restore the prairie (the article on this was unclear), and has his own web page full of favorite links. There, now the allies can skip the reciprocal web search.
Statement from the Dominator
The rumors of this vaguely humanitarian mission to an exotic land, have leaked out in the Core Territories. This mission is actually inspiring those who hear of it, in a way that no mission has since Greenland submitted to the Domination of Eiler.
- The mission log, of course, will be made available to all citizens. All Hail the Domination!
Brasileiros, on the other hand, may well fear this wave of strange invaders from the North. After all, we subsidize the growth of their little girls, and then come to monitor the process at our own convenience.
But the Domination of Eiler says: Try not to think of us like we're building Hitler clones in a remote part of the world. Instead, think of us as those cute monsters from the Disney movies. We look after your little children, and we scare because we care! And how can Disney (a.k.a. "The Norteamericano Corporation Which Created Uncle Scrooge") be wrong?
For this mission, the Domination will shift its operation journal to nearly basic text. The expeditionary force will travel light, and edit via the Domination's massively-equipped Conquering Cell Phone, which triples as a text editor and a music player. But sadly, nobody thought to design the cell phone to support the efficient editing of web pages which have to refer to other web pages.
Operation Journal (wait for it!)
As ever, Domination of Eiler forces expect to return triumphant, all praise to the One Maker.
(signed) Dominator S. Eiler, Fist of the One Maker, for the Domination of Eiler.
The Domination of Eiler believes in free sharing of information. But if you wish to reproduce significant parts of the commentary within, be aware that it is © copyright 2005 by Eiler Technical Enterprises. And have a niiiice daay.