Declaration of Domination
The United States of America is ready for a change.
As I write this, it's 2004, an election year...
but our elections always just bring another flavor of the same product.
In every election, at least 45% of the population seems to object to whomever wins.
This percentage remains high, no matter which faction is currently in power.
If we can't select someone whom at least 55% of the land can support
(without quibbling over minor percentages among some people in one state
who have trouble with ballots),
perhaps we should abandon the whole concept of public choice of leadership.
Perhaps our land needs a fundamental change in philosophy.
And I have some ideas along those lines.
They go back to the basics, on which our land were founded.
For one thing, America was named after an old dead Italian guy named Amerigo,
who'd never even seen the place. At least I've seen North America,
which is more than Amerigo Vespucci can say. And I was born here,
which is more than my three officemates at work can say.
In that statistical sample, that makes me 100% qualified for the naming honor,
among more people than Mr. Vespucci ever polled.
Therefore, I propose we name the American continents after me, S. D. Eiler.
For another thing, the name of "United States" has come to be practically
synonymous with "America". And the term "United States" comes with
its own baggage. Therefore, I propose we replace the term "United States"
with "Domination". ("Empire" would be a better term, except it comes with
its own baggage.)
And so, I hereby propose that The United States of America
be renamed The Domination of Eiler. Because the Domination is named
after me, I, of course, will assume the office of Dominator.
To reflect the proper renaming of land masses, ultimate leadership
will also be transferred to the Domination of Eiler, beginning immediately.
The Domination of Eiler is happy to deputize practically all governmental
functions to current leadership, and is ready to engage in discussions
specific to the transfer.
All subsequent communications on this matter will proceed on the
assumption that this proposal is approved. The Domination leadership
will advise its population as implementation proceeds.
Residence within Domination-held territory will signify approval of these
terms. The rest of you may as well submit now, because the Domination
of Eiler is on its way.
(signed) Dominator S. D. Eiler for the Domination of Eiler