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Minions of Eiler Unite!

Old Comic Book Plots No One Will Believe

The Dominator used to talk with his brother about bizarre old comic book plots. Sadly we are too mature for that stuff from ten years ago. But, stuff still needs to be said. Or maybe said again. In the comic books, the stories were much larger than in the movies.

"House of M." (2005) The Scarlet Witch became known for reality control. For her, the Avenger movies where she would fight Thanos to a standstill with one hand while destroying an Infinity Gem with the other, would be a step down in power. This still has ramifications in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Civil War. (2006) Not "Captain America Civil War." In the comic books, Iron Man (representing the U.S. Gov) won. Everyone else who was on planet at the time had to take sides. Except for Doctor Strange; he retreated for prayer and fasting. And the Avengers were mostly neutral.

- The New Warriors kicked the whole incident off. The She-Hulk gathered many associate members to bring some associate of the original villain to justice.

- The Fantastic Four split three ways. Reed absently-minded fell in with Iron Man. Sue and Johnny rebelled with Captain America. Ben declared neutrality and defected to France!

- Spider-Man joined Iron Man's team - and revealed his secret identity! Only then he defected! Villains promptly attacked. He wound up selling his marriage to the Devil to save his Aunt May. Really.

- Cable and Deadpool were partners at the time. They split. Deadpool did his very best to bring Cable to Gov justice, but he just wasn't powerful enough.

- The X-Men at the time consisted of at most 198 mutants, mostly confined to Professor X's compound by Sentinel robots. So they were de facto on the Gov side.

- Wolverine, however, was an Avenger at the time. So he got Iron Man to give him a suit of underwater armor. Then he went to Atlantis, to make sure the perpetrator faced justice.

- The Sub-Mariner and the Black Panther intervened wholeheartedly on the rebel side. As did Cloak and Dagger. So Captain America got to lead a small army of superhumans and Atlantean and Wakandan commandoes through a teleportal into Manhattqn! But Cap got shamed, when three police and firefighters tackled him down! Cap surrendered on the spot.

- "The Initiative" followed. The U.S. Gov started recruiting heroes. Well, yeah.

"World War Hulk." (2007) The Hulk returned from off-planet to invade Earth, with superpowered allies plus an impenetrable stone starship. (Don't ask me how.)

- Thor was out of action (for reasons unrelated to "Fear Itself"). Everyone else banded together. But all the invaders each had greater than Spider-Man power. And the Hulk had much greater power than usual. Iron Man had to blast him with every death satellite from space, including one from the Shi'ar. And the Hulk had to briefly stand still for it, because he realized he might be out of control.

"Secret Invasion." (2008) Skrulls duplicated most Earthling powers. Don't ask me how they duplicated Doctor Strange, but they apparently did.

- Stark tech got compromised. No one thought of compromising primitive Norman Osborne tech, though. (Don't ask me how he's still alive.) So, Osborne got put in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D., just like Stark had been.

- Then there were Dark Avengers. Osborne found many villains to dress up as Avengers and mimic their powers. That plot fell apart around the time he had the Avengers invade Asgard, because Thor was back. The regular Avengers reformed then.

"Fear Itself." (2011) Asgardian elder gods chose seven Earthlings to represent them, whether the representatives wanted to or not. Really, the Thing?

- The Juggernaut got Asgard powers and went after the X-Men, who responded by sorcerously getting Cytorrak to give Colossus the Juggernaut powers.

- Thor ended up temporarily dead at the end of that. And Bucky ended up dead again.

"Avengers vs. X-Men." (2012) One of those "Dark Phoenix Returns" scenarios, only Tony Stark got the bright idea to break that up with some Phoenix Buster armor - big enough to take passengers into space. He literally did bust the Phoenix up. Five X-Men including the Sub-Mariner divided the powers. Yeah, Namor got to represent Fire and Life Incarnate. Hijinks ensued.

- Five partial Phoenixes basically resulted in five hungry Phoenixes. Fortunately they did not go feed on nearby stars; they fed on each other. Cyclops ended up absorbing all the Phoenix Force and killing Professor X. But don't ask me how Spider-Man survived being punched in the face by a Colussus Juggernaut Phoenix. (ref: Fear Itself)

- The remaining X-Men organized around Wolverine, who would for the rest of his life administer the old mutant school and be known as Professor Logan. Really. Unfortunately for that storyline, the Death of Logan would come soon.

Thanos Stuff. (2010-something; I don't think all of fandom can keep track of that) Way after Infinity Gauntlet, of course. We got two threads here, because Marvel could not commit between the original creator and some licensees. Hijinks ensued both ways.

- Original: Mephisto reinvented himself as a mad scientist, and grafted Hulk powers onto Annihilus. The latter then unleashed his Annihilation Wave upon the positive-matter universe... again, only this time he had Hulk powers to back it up. Thanos ended up proudly fighting alongside the Avengers (from a Moonbase) against that.

- New: So, Thanos, Death, and Dark Phoenix (who at the time was Thanos's son) walked into a graveyard together, where the dead gods grant visions... The series only started to mine the comedic potential of that concept.

The dead gods gave Thanos a vision of himself leading junior Avengers into battle. He was briefly content, but then he laughed and said "I do not need that!"

In that timeline, the three fates who guarded the cemetery threw Death out like the slut she was being, while Thanos threw Dark Phoenix out. If only...

If only... Death recalled her past as a guy named Dave! He'd go on high-powered adventures against guys who needed to die! (ref: Secret Wars II of the 1980s)

If only... Dark Phoenix would rampage upon dead gods! Imagine the whole graveyard rising up as hungry Phoenixes and saying, "I am Fire - and Life Incarnate!" Death might be relying on Thanos for a contingency plan in that case. And that plan from Thanos might involve dead stars - presumably before Phoenixes could come for them.



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