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Domination of Eiler

The Blog of Domination #4

Other Blogs: 1 2 3 5.

"Blog" is short for "Web log". Which is to say, an online diary.

The Domination of Eiler usually doesn't need an ongoing web log. However, there are special occasions where Domination conquests or other incidents inside the Core Territories are particularly worthy of note. For these occasions, the Domination has finally established a web log.

Like most blogs, the most recent episodes come first. Not quite like storytelling, eh?

May - April 2006

Previous: March 2006 - October 2005 September - June 2005 May - February 2005

In This Episode:

26 May 2006

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder vs. the Domination of Eiler
Coming down after the Day of Glory.

The Domination of Eiler has recovered from the Day of Glory festivities. The Domination Guard force mounted up (at an impressively early hour) on its mighty NARF-Cycle bike, to bring the Flagship automobile back home from the party site.

After sundering its latest corporate alliance, the Domination of Eiler feels like it's just escaped a hostage situation in a dysfunctional family household. This sensation was so intense, the staff was at the point of hyperventilating in the afternoon.

  • Fortunately, the Domination's Chief Nutritionist prescribed a battery of depressant beverages, particularly the Gluek Bock beer of Minnesota. A seizure was thereby averted.

Some of the captive allies have been observed sending e-mail from work, in the wee hours of the morning. The Domination only wishes it could have saved them too. But from this mighty mega-corporate enemy, it can only save the Domination Guard.

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25 May 2006

The Day of Glory
The one most pivotal day in the Domination's history.

After years of strategic planning, the Domination of Eiler has finally advanced to such a plateau of power, that it can declare freedom from long-term alliances with large corporate-sponsor entities. Most people call this place of power "contracting". The Domination of Eiler calls it "The Day of Glory".

  • Contracting is a nightmare of insecurity to some people. But some people's insecurity is the Domination's dream.

The Domination of Eiler therefore hereby breaks alliance with its coalition partner "Some-Big-Company" on this day.

  • The exact reasons are unimportant. If they were stated here, it would just be whining. And the Domination of Eiler doesn't whine; it dominates.
  • The alliance was actually broken two weeks before the Day of Glory, because it's proper to have a transition. The Domination's engineering staff remained on duty for sensitive engineering tasks until this day.

The Domination of Eiler is completely convinced this is absolutely the best thing that could happen. The Domination's main regret is, it couldn't have happened faster.

  • But the Domination's timing was immaculate. As the troops were leaving, the management was announcing mandatory unpaid overtime for Race Day weekend.
  • It has been the best day ever in the Dominator's life. Parties have been executed accordingly.

This day is the long-planned Day of Glory. It will be the central point in the history of the Domination of Eiler. After this day, all things are possible, and society will likely benefit from the Domination's new involvement in its affairs.

In the short term: After a day for recovery, the Domination of Eiler moves out. Coming soon, the Lap Around Lake Michigan!

In the long term: The future is wide open now. But these things are highly predictable:

  • The Domination of Eiler will be as strong as ever. Well, almost. Maybe it should invest in a back brace now, because there's going to be some heavy lifting when the Dominator's chambers are cleaned out.
  • The Domination of Eiler is now in an ideal position to pursue its own interests.
  • There will therefore in future be even more Domination of Eiler than ever before.

Much more could be written about this. And much more will be... but only mixed up with fiction, so as to be deniable for the Domination's security reasons. This may make for some really entertaining fiction at the Domination's parallel-universe web log.

The Domination of Eiler will almost certainly change its home base as part of this declaration. Whenever the Domination changes its home base, sad people are left behind. It happened when the Domination moved from Massachusetts to Illinois, and it's likely to happen again. The Domination is sad about it too. But...

  • Illinois is still near and dear to the Dominator's heart, so he'll be around. You know it's true, because the Domination is stashing its comic book collection in storage here!
  • Even if the Domination should move away forever, there's the prospect of direct contact. Some daring Massachusetts citizens have travelled the length of the Domination to visit the Dominator in Illinois.
  • There's always e-mail contact. E-mail is everywhere, and it's given humanity the opportunity for a much wider root system than it's ever had before. The Domination has already taken advantage throughout its territories. High school? Check. College? Check. Last job? Check. Next job? Who knows? But last time, the contacts were in place before the job change!
  • Many of you in the Domination's allied engineering facility already fly the Domination of Eiler flag, of your own free will. More than fly the United States of America flag, at last count. This means much to the Domination. (The meaning relates to one "Emperor Norton", but that's a long story for another time.) As long as you fly the flag, the Domination of Eiler is with you. In a metaphysical sense, anyway.

All Hail the Day of Glory! All Hail the Domination!

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20 May 2006

CPR Training and the Domination of Eiler
The Domination is sanctioned for freelance emergency response.

The Dominator finds it expedient for his engineering staff to stay certified to teach aerobics classes. That means, once every two years, the staff has to take a course in cardio-pulmonary resuscitation, or CPR.

This year's class was courtesy of the Palatine-Illinois Park District and the American Red Cross. The Red Cross course goes four hours for adults, plus an optional extra hour to learn how to treat children, plus another for infants.

The likelihood of the Dominator and his patrols willingly interacting with infants and children, is always vanishingly small. But the hearts of parents everywhere will still be warmed to find out, Domination staff certified in Adult CPR, then spent the extra two hours in training on behalf of all the Domination's larval-human citizens.

And the Domination passed all the tests. Due to its sheer love of the children. Or something. The Domination of Eiler is therefore certified by the American Red Cross in Child and Infant CPR.

There's a payoff for the Domination, of course. As a result of its extra training, the Domination of Eiler is now sanctioned to legally break a child's ribs under certain conditions.

  • CPR Fact: If you are ever subjected to CPR to get your heart beating, it will almost certainly break your ribs. After all, the point of CPR is for someone else to force your heart to beat with their own bare hands. And the ribs are always in the way. But given that your heart isn't beating on its own, you're technically dead anyway, so it's worth a shot.
  • And breaking your ribs is legally okay, at least from the viewpoint of the person who tries to save your life. Every state of "United States of America" has enacted "Good Samaritan" laws which protect freelance emergency responders from government judgment, as long as the responders have actually been trained in their responses, and don't try to act like TV surgeons or something.
  • So if ever your own child's heart is failing to beat, and you are near a Domination patrol, the Domination will have the ironic pleasure of offering to break your child's ribs in an attempt to save its life. Of course, you can always refuse...
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14 May 2006

Mother's Day vs. the Domination of Eiler
One of the few holidays the Domination will not observe.
What It Takes to Call Mom
If you want the Dominator to call his mom for Mother's Day, you'll have to give him a special kind of phone service.

Non-holiday checklist:

  • Ignoring the Mother's Day marketing juggernaut. Check. The most interesting marketing effort this year was e-spam saying, "Free Shipping for Your Mom!" Which is an interesting proposition, because the Dominator's mother's body has long since been reduced to a form which is easily transportable in a small shipping crate should the need arise. Still, one imagines she's most comfortable in storage.
  • Hanging out in a church where not every mother gets venerated. Partial.
    • The Domination of Eiler currently venerates the Kingdom of Heaven alongside Episcopalians. It is not Domination practice to venerate anything other than the One Maker and his Kingdom of Heaven, but Episcopalians do have such practice.
    • But unlike other Protestant churches which double as fertility temples, Episcopalians only venerate one mother at a time, not an entire churchful. If you want to be honored by Episcopalians just for being a mother, your son usually needs to have died for the world's sins.
    • But this Sunday morning service was an exception. Somebody's mother was freshly dead, and Episcopalians are perfectly happy to divert the entire Sunday morning service for a funeral observance. It worked out well this time, because the church was packed. Apparently this person wasn't just a mother, she was a community member. The Domination of Eiler can honor that.
    • Still, the Domination's personal involvement in this case is limited. Admittedly through no fault of her own, this mother hadn't been to church for several years. The barmaids at "Hooters" have communion with the Domination more often than that.
    • Speaking of which, back to the checklist...
  • Going to lunch where mothers dare not go. Partial. Due to the non-Domination holiday custom of taking Mom out for dinner, the Domination of Eiler only trusts two kinds of restaurants with its Mother's Day dinner: sports pubs, and "Hooters". And even Hooters is marginal, because people do bring their Moms there for her special day. Still, it's amusing to go there on Mother's Day just to count the famlees. Three today, including one incredible little infant howler monkey.
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3 May 2006

Tres de Mayo Observance, 2006
The Dominator's ceremonial birthday.
Hey Kids, Colon!
The Dominator's colon has a special treat coming, after this year's birthday dinner. Instead of fresh beans, it gets to pass ice cream!

Holiday checklist:

  • Dressing up in the best clothes from the thrift store. Check. Fine clothing came from two thrift stores this year. Dress shirt from coalition partner "Sparrow's-Nest", nicely complemented by dress slacks from "Little-City Front-Porch".
  • Listening to especially good loud music all day. Check. "Spike" by Elvis Costello and "Songs from the Wood" by Jethro Tull were expediently chosen.
  • Creating web pages. Partial. This web entry (yes, the one you're looking at, citizen) will have to do. The final issue of comic book "Infinite Crisis" (which is to say, Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and all their friends, plus worlds in collision on a once-in-twenty-years scale) completed the evening's entertainment. This year's Tres de Mayo falls on a Wednesday, which is New Comic Book Day almost every week.
  • A nice dinner for the Domination forces. Check. The coalition partner "RAM-Brewpub" was chosen, because they had a birthday coupon for massive free ice cream pie. They call it "Mile High". And it all submitted to Domination, and made it into the slideway that leads to the Dominator's colon. Yay, ice cream!
    • Also, as it turned out, new Maibock beer on tap. The Dominator was pleased to tell the waitstaff that it is malty and moderately dark, so they could inform the other guests.
    • For this year's Tres de Mayo, the Domination plan is for five consecutive nice dinners! This is #2. And #4 is likely to occur in conjunction with a night at the big-city theatre!
  • Cupcakes for representative citizens. Partial. Observed this one with an anonymous coffee cake two days ago, due to logistical issues involving bicycle transport. Still, the coalition partners at "Some-Big-Company" sent congratulatory instant-messages all this morning. The supervisor has the interesting policy of displaying a printout of staff birthdays by his office door, year round.
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1 May 2006

Fresh Beans vs. the Domination of Eiler
A new kind of foodstuff submits to the Domination.

One day, the Domination's Chief Nutritionist discovered that the Dominator's favorite brand of canned baked beans was loaded with salt. Another day, it was discovered that dried pink beans were 49 cents a pound on sale.

So last weekend, the Domination of Eiler obtained two pounds of unbaked beans, had a cooking exercise, and produced enough baked beans for nine days of lunch. It's worked out pretty well so far. But the beans are drier and more crunchy than normal people are used to, probably because they're not soaked in salt brine to make them soft and absorbent. Oh well, all the better for the Dominator's colon.

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20 April 2006

Mother's Day and the Hall of Sticks
The Domination of Eiler stands up for motherhood, warm happy children, and its own woodcarving interests.
The Hall of Sticks
The Stockpile
Quality hand-crafted hiking sticks, available for sale. All for the glory of the Domination of Eiler.

The Domination of Eiler has a Woodcarving Directorate, more commonly known by its trade name "The Hall of Sticks". The Hall of Sticks actually makes some money for the Domination on occasion, as well as demonstrating the skill of the Domination's engineering force.

As part of promoting the Domination of Eiler, the Hall of Sticks often rents sales tables or gives sticks for charity. To date, three different charities recognize the Hall of Sticks as a valuable fund-raising ally. One of those is the "Some Big Company" Pioneers. The Pioneers exist to do good works which promote their sponsor... much like the Hall of Sticks works to promote the Domination of Eiler.

Today, the Pioneers asked the Hall of Sticks for a donation, in support of a Mother's Day raffle. Proceeds go to buy warm coats for children. Just in time for summer. Perhaps it pays to plan ahead.

(If we're planning that far ahead, maybe the Domination should just ask its other allied charity "Home of the Sparrow" to shake some winter coats loose from summer storage. The Sparrow's thrift stores have almost too many winter coats to hold, and more arriving every hour, now that the Domination's citizens are cleaning out their closets for spring. But anyway...)

Other people's kids are often major beneficiaries of the Domination's charity. It seems in modern society, parents often have too many children to maintain without help, and aren't in a good position to use the children for profit in the manner that previous generations did. In such cases, it's a matter of pride for the Domination to intervene. It's ironic that this particular bit of charity occurs for Mother's Day which the Domination does not support... but in the end, charity is charity, and the need is still there.

So, the Domination of Eiler made its Woodcarving Directorate cough up one stick in support of motherhood, warm happy children, and world domination. This particular stick was a trophy of Operation Pride-of-Man, the Domination's New England operation of September 2004.

This especially fits the doctrine of "Dom Shui", where Domination flows like water in waves to conquer, bring back trophies, and use the trophies for even more conquest. This trophy is is just especially conquersome. Or conqueriffic. Or whatever.

All Hail Motherhood and the Domination of Eiler!

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16 April 2006

The Easter Campaign of 2006
Not quite big enough to get its own web page like in 2005. But still worth noting.

It's Eastertide again. And once again, the Domination of Eiler is supporting the Episcopal Diocese of Chicago-Illinois, Deanery of Elgin, Churches of Saint-Columba and Holy-Innocents, in the Easter maneuvers.

Last year's web page makes a good generic Easter journal, much like the Domination's generic Xmas journal. If you want the complete account of Easter in the Domination, go there. If you want the differences for this year, stay here.

  1. Maundy Thursday, 13 April 2006: Just like last year. The pastor is healthier now, but the Dominator's feet are still pestilent enough to not be revealed for foot-washing.
  2. Good Friday, 14 April 2006: Like last year, but with several amusing differences.
    • Weather is "partly sunny with thunderstorms", like unto the first day of summer. Bicycle operations feasible today but not tomorrow. Mini-vacation therefore ruled out. But the Domination Guard choral force still deployed via bicycle, and actually skipped dinner to arrive on time for choir rehearsal.
    • Cell-phone makes a good cerement-device this year, because this year's model has most of stored on it, and is therefore suitable to lay at the foot of the cross. Last year's model was just noisy and had no place in a religious observance.
    • Hiking stick harvested on site, thanks to presence of much brushwood. Stick was also used as a cerement-device, laid at the foot of the outdoor cross in private ceremony - and left there. If the stick is especially worthy and finds no greater mission in support of its own neighborhood, it will survive to serve the Domination when next this church is occupied.
    • Then ten miles bike ride back home at night. Dinner necessary.
    • Crawfish salad was conquered at "Famous Dave's" on the way. Militia off-duty from nearby "Applebee's" were contacted there; they liked the Domination's recommendation of the draft Leinenkugel Honey Weiss of Chippewa Falls-Wisconsin, with a lemon for the lady.
    • During the bike ride, Scumburg town athletic complex provided a full-sanitation rest stop. How late is the pool open on Good Friday, anyway? At least 10 pm.
    • Also, Hoffman Estates "Lincoln Prairie" elementary school provided a port-a-potty. Their full-sanitation facilities used to be open for ball games only, but apparently full sanitation is too expensive this year. Fine for the Domination, though; port-a-potties are always open.
  3. The Great Vigil, 15 April 2006: Deployment via automobile, due to threat of storms. Wussy storms therefore waited until after midnight. Go figure.
    • The church food pantry had lots of bags of incoming goodies ready to sort. Thanks to weather mishaps earlier this month, several of the bags were water-resistant plastic instead of the paper bags the church gave out.
    • No accidents with sacramental equipment this year.
    • The choir let the Dominator's bodyguard sing solo during "Go Down Moses". And it was great fun for the kids, because they got to sing "Let My People Go" in response.
    • Speaking of the small humanoids, they get older and less obnoxious every year. All praise to the One Maker.
    • So, the Dominator went to church reception afterward and stayed up late for Jesus. And brought some wine to share. And he wasn't the only one. Now that's the Dominator's kind of faith community. Much fun was had. Because...
  4. Easter Sunday, 16 April 2006: Morning service starts at remote allied church, 9 am instead of 11. Domination Bishop-Principal therefore gives the troops Sunday morning off! Sensible people from other church took Saturday evening off in turn.
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13 April 2006

The Doctrine of "Dom Shui"
A definite improvement upon "Feng Shui". Featuring the Dominator's Li'l Pals, Dufus and Dom!

The Domination of Eiler has heard of the ancient Chinese knowledge of "Feng Shui". The phrase "Feng Shui" literally means "Wind / Water". Which is to say, "Feng Shui" started out as the eminently sensible practice of building one's house outside of flood and high wind zones. But more and more stuff got added onto that practice, until it became a list of rules of how to symbolically decorate one's household so as to channel and absorb life energy for the occupants' benefit.

But the Domination of Eiler has its own source of life energy. That source, of course, would be the Dominator. And the source is continuously replenished by healthy, energy-rich food such as doughnuts and cheeseburgers. The Domination's problem is not how to absorb more life energy from wherever, it's how to channel the boundless energy the Domination already possesses.

Dufus Sez: This booklet says the northeast corner of my apartment is where I absorb money life energy, and I should paint the walls purple... uh oh, that's where the toilet is!
Dom Says: I got your life energy right here! And I got enough for the toilet too!

For this reason, the Domination of Eiler has begun to develop the doctrine of "Dom Shui". Which is to say, "Domination Flowing Like Water". For those citizens who would dare to live like a Dominator, this doctrine may be for you.

Unlike "Feng Shui", "Dom Shui" does not require you divide your household into quadrants and decorate each quadrant accordingly. With these simple rules, your house can become a House of Dominance.

  1. Power flows out from the Dominator. Each House of Dominance requires a Place of Power. For the Domination of Eiler, this is the small central part of the apartment where the Dominator sits at the computer, watches TV, eats dinner, and pays the bills. The House of Dominance has more comfortable places to watch TV, but then the Dominator can't do all that other stuff.
  2. The power goes out to conquer. Movement within the House of Dominance will radiate out from the Place of Power. It may be channeled but not restricted. In the Dominator's rooms, channels of movement flow directly from the Place of Power to the front door, the patio, the TV, the sink, the laundry, the bathroom, and the bed. Plus the Internet channel that flows out through the computer.
  3. The power comes back as trophies. Trophies deserve honorable display in the House of Dominance, near the Place of Power, so as to inspire more Domination. The Dominator's rooms display framed pictures and plaques from the Domination outposts in Brazil, Bermuda, England and Germany, plus most of the places the Dominator's ever lived. And that's just for starters. Don't get the Dominator going on the Great Hall of Sticks.

Just three rules. Pretty simple, huh?

The Dominator may add onto this doctrine, as he gets around to remodeling the whole world. (For instance, "Dom Shui" has great applicability to local traffic patterns.) And he may remind people of the metaphysics of where the power of Domination ultimately comes from - besides cheeseburgers, that is. But for now, this should certainly suffice.

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10 April 2006

The Declaration of Militia Day
Welcome back to the bicyclists of the Domination of Eiler!

The loyal bicycle militia of the Domination of Eiler came out today in force, to help the Domination Guard patrol the local bike trails. Coincidentally, it's finally sunny and 70 Fahrenheit degrees here in the District of Dominance near Chicago, Illinois, Domination of Eiler.

The Domination Guard has been on bike patrol for over two months now, ever since Pavement Day when the snow first melted off the local bike trails. The Domination Guard rides on plowed roads practically year-round on its mighty NARF-Cycle, but Pavement Day is the official start of the Domination bike season.

However, the Dominator has noted, normal people are less hardcore than the Domination Guard. It's worthwhile to note when their bikes come out for spring. Therefore, the holiday of Militia Day is hereby declared, as the first weekday every calendar year when lots of normal people ride their bicycles. This year that would be today, 10 April 2006. Welcome back, cyclists!

Still, the Dominator has a fashion tip for about half the cycle-militia today. Proper bicycle uniform of the Domination of Eiler is street clothes, with maybe some biker boots to restrain the pants legs. Proper bicycle uniform is not silly biker tights.

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2 April 2006

The Weather Goddess vs. the Domination of Eiler
Who will win?
Illinois Core Territory
The Illinois Core Territory of the Domination of Eiler. Currently the District of Dominance.

In 2002, the Domination of Eiler established a Core Territory in the North Eileranian state of Illinois. Ever since then, Illinois has had a drought. Storm fronts often approach northern Illinois, but then dissipate. Apparently some mighty force is boiling the rain out of the sky before it dares strike Domination territory. Could that force be... Domination?

  • The Domination's Chief Meteorologist has analyzed that force. When the drought started, he recruited a volunteer to drive from Illinois to Massachusetts, while the Chief Meteorologist stayed behind. The volunteer was plagued with snow, while the Chief Meteorologist stayed snow-free. Conclusion: Whatever the force is, it stays where Domination stays.
  • Maybe the urban area of Chicago-Illinois (conveniently near Core Territory) sets up a heat pattern which creates a perpetual high-pressure weather cell, which in turn makes incoming rain detour to such unlucky places as Kankakee-Illinois or Kenosha-Wisconsin. Or maybe Lake Michigan's moderate temperature has a calming effect on incoming storms. Such effects have been observed often.
  • Or maybe there's a secret "United States" weather control radar somewhere within Core Territory, to keep Chicago O'Hare Airport relatively operational. If weather control radar exists, O'Hare Airport would be about the most important thing to protect. Aside from Florida and the Gulf Coast, that is... but the weather controllers might be starting with the small challenges first.
  • Still, for the sake of discussion, the force which keeps the Domination's Core Territory relatively rain-free will be referred to as the "Domination Effect".

Whatever the Domination's rain-free force is, the Weather Channel is challenging it today. It's not just predicting rain here; it's sent a correspondent to Illinois to tell the world how much it's going to rain. Stephanie Abrams herself (the leading Weather Goddess, who usually chases hurricanes) has come out from her New York City (or is it Atlanta?) base (where she spent yesterday) to Springfield, Illinois, to cheer on a line of thunderstorms as it proceeds toward Core Territory!

  • This is particularly naughty of the Weather Channel, because the Domination's church allies in Core Territory are distributing paper grocery bags today for a food drive. As any meteorologist knows, rain and paper don't go together. The Domination gives reverence to the Weather Goddesses, but this time they may have gone too far.
  • Fortunately, the Domination Effect has protected the allies so far today, all praise to the One Maker. The line of storms passed through the Domination's Core Territory as light rain, and ended before the food drive. Then the sun came out.
  • However, the acolytes of the Weather Goddess are promising even stronger storms. Said storms are in Missouri now, maybe half a day away from Core Territory. Tornadic cells are now approaching the Domination outposts in St. Louis-Missouri.
  • And Weather Goddess Ms. Abrams herself is still on camera in Springfield-Illinois, waiting for the storms. It being quiet and sunshiny there now, she's amusing herself interviewing tornado victims from last week. But the storms are still rising.
  • We'll see whether the Domination Effect boils these storms from the sky too. A lot of paper bags are at stake.

... Well, the Domination of Eiler has to admit defeat here, because the storms have arrived in Scumburg-Illinois. Outside of Scumburg, they're calling this weather system "The Droughtbuster". Even here, the storms have brought some pretty lightning, and about ten minutes of heavy rain. The Domination Effect has sheltered the Core Territory and its citizens from tornadoes. But the One Maker's bounty of paper bags for charity is pretty much forfeit, unless the good citizens of the Domination all went out to harvest the bags while the sun was still shining.

Still, the Domination will take what victories it can... because it has passed sentence upon the rebellious Weather Channel personnel.

  • Weather Goddess Ms. Abrams and her film crew have taken refuge from the storms, with a bunch of other hotel guests in a first-floor safe room in Springfield-Illinois.
  • This is probably right across a parking lot from Hooters of Springfield, because that's where almost all of Springfield's hotels are.
  • And Hooters is just about the best restaurant in Springfield, which will be convenient when the storm lifts. For those who like the ambiance of Hooters, that is.

Therefore, the Domination of Eiler sentences all Weather Channel personnel in Illinois tonight to spend the night in Springfield. The Dominator assures all readers, Sunday night in Springfield-Illinois is a thing both terrible and boring.

But once the sentence is served, all is forgiven. Even if you can victoriously summon the storms and then survive their wrath, it can't be easy to be the Weather Goddess.

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