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Domination of Eiler

The Blog of Domination #2

Other Blogs: 1.

"Blog" is short for "Web log". Which is to say, an online diary.

The Domination of Eiler usually doesn't need an ongoing web log; the weekly log takes care of that for the Core Territories, and the operation journals handle the outlying regions of the Domination.

However, there are special occasions where Domination conquests or other incidents inside the Core Territories are particularly worthy of note. For these occasions, the Domination has finally established a web log. And the web log comes in handy, when the Dominator wants to give a statement.

Like most blogs, the most recent episodes come first. Not quite like storytelling, eh?

September - June 2005

Previous: May - February 2005

In This Episode:

29 September 2005

Disaster Relief Operations
The Domination of Eiler brings soft silky smoothness to the world's disaster victims.

Ever since the New Orleans disaster, the Domination of Eiler has contributed its currency reserves to the relief efforts. Today, the Domination Guard took the field, alongside the para-governmental organizations which are leading the relief.

  • The Domination of Eiler can actually respect the concept of organizations taking on the role of government to protect its citizens. In other words, a para-government. By most definitions of government, the Domination of Eiler is a para-governmental organization, albeit with very small regular staff.
  • Non-Domination authority has taken some heat for not being ready for the disaster. But that's really the way they work in Domination-held lands; they rely on freelance efforts (para-governments, that is), much more than the socialist-leaning governments of the rest of the world do. And usually that works for them. Just not this time.
  • Before the storm, the American Red Cross was as ready as they could be without a military escort. Fat lot of good that did them, when the looters came out. But even now, the Red Cross seems to be doing more than the U.S. Government.
  • But other para-governmental organizations are also helping... such as the Salvation Army. "The Army" (as Jethro Tull calls it, though others call it "Sally") has a disaster services warehouse conveniently near O'Hare Airport, in Elk Grove Village, Core Territories of Illinois, Domination of Eiler. They're packing sacks of toiletries for the refugees.
  • The Domination's coalition partner "Some Big Company" is admirably responsive to disasters down south. They actually released the Domination Guard to assist The Army with warehouse duties for four hours during the working day! They want good publicity. Hereby provided. Commendation for Some Big Company!

And so, the Domination Guard engineering force deployed by bicycle to the Salvation Army Emergency Disaster Services Center warehouse on the fringe of the Core Territories.

  • Bicycle transit from EilerBase Scumburg took one hour. The Domination had forces on site at just a little after the start of the 8 a.m. shift. And that was fine, because The Army wasn't quite ready for its corporate volunteers. This was the first day of their interface. As ever, the Domination of Eiler is proud to lead the assault.
  • And so, the Domination Guard got to sit in the lobby for a bit, and read the Salvation Army's motivational magazines. This should actually be required for all visitors, because there can be some culture shock. (The Domination would think, maybe they planned it that way... but surely The Army is smart enough to know, not all the volunteers like to read motivational magazines.)
  • It was thereby discovered, the Salvation Army actually is organized like an army! Their supreme commander is "The General", and this warehouse is operated by "The Major". (Two ranks down from General, by most conventions. The Domination of Eiler knows this, because the Dominator used to watch "M.A.S.H." back in the day.)
  • After not too much time, the Domination Guard reported to The Major for duty. The Army's assignment was: Unpack three palettes of corporate-donated crates of hair conditioner, for insertion into care packets for the lady disaster victims who want to maintain their soft silky hair!
  • Well, far be it from the Domination of Eiler to argue about disaster priority with those who are closest to the disaster. And so, roughly 14 tiers of 37 boxes of 12 bottles of conditioner were made ready for shipment by the Domination Guard. If nothing else, the Domination of Eiler is energetic. And that was the first shift.
  • The Major was entirely congenial during coffee hour. The Army doesn't pull rank on volunteers. And they feed the volunteers too.
  • But The Major indicated at the start of day, the more volunteers and the longer they work, the better. And the coalition partners back at "Some Big Company" were surprisingly okay with this. (As well they should be; it was the company's idea to send volunteers there for publicity in the first place.)
  • And so, the Domination Guard was cleared to spend the whole day there. Roughly 3 tiers of 8 boxes of 72 soaps were thereby conquered.
  • (Warehouse trivia: Soap is harder to unpack than shampoo, because soap manufacturers put lots more shrink-wrapping in.)
  • The unwrapping of soap and toiletries will go on for five more weeks. After that, The Army starts unwrapping food for returning refugees. Back at "Some Big Company", the Domination of Eiler dares to hope that they'll give as much support to the ongoing relief effort that they give to the United Way.

"United States of America" government apparently does not have well-stocked disaster centers with tons of corporate contributions to send to disaster victims. Hey, its citizens pay for the government they want, and they get the government they pay for.

The Domination of Eiler therefore commands all its citizens to find a para-governmental disaster response center (American Red Cross, Salvation Army, or otherwise) to assist at. You can unpack things if that's your style (but it's really hard upon the hands), or you can answer the phones. In the early stages of disaster, phones are quite important. So are HAM radios, for that matter, if you're into that.

In the future, when the Domination of Eiler takes formal power, we'll talk more about how each citizen will pay into an insurance fund for disaster relief. Maybe it'll be optional, but considering how practically all the citizens want to be protected by someone else, it'll probably be mandatory.

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3 September 2005

New Orleans is Sunken

For a long time, the world has been sinking under the sheer weight of humanity. Now, we've finally noticed.

Yes, that's how the Domination outpost of New Orleans came to be under sea level, so that levees could break, flood the town, and cause the weather forecast to include the phrase, "corpses and chemicals floating in the streets".

  • Our ancestors were smart enough to not settle below sea level... but they did plant New Orleans on very soft soil. The main districts are okay, but the suburbs just suck... literally.
  • Our current generation has planted so many humans on that soil, especially the suburbs, it pushed the earth down and literally sank the city.
  • This should not be a surprise to anyone. The Domination knows of a pop song called "New Orleans is Sinking"... recorded in 1989.

Of course, the Domination of Eiler has joined in relief efforts, and compelled certain of its coalition partners to match its efforts. It's also noted how the same people who say "No donation is too small!", have come back asking for more. Under the circumstances, more shall be given unto them... in good time, because the need isn't going away any time soon.

But ironically, people who aren't the victims are also asking for help... specifically, "empathy" for the victims. In other words, apparently, nation-state leadership to drop everything and act like Mommy used to, when Baby was hurt.

The Domination of Eiler will not be taking up this "empathy" role. As much as the Domination would like to kiss it and make it better, it can't. Not even if the Dominator cancels his holiday plans. Any activity for reaction and prevention, will need more than that. It will require every Domination citizen to acknowledge: The world has changed, and we have to live differently.

When the Domination of Eiler comes to formal power, it has a program in mind to keep this magnitude of humanitarian flooding disaster from happening again. The Domination's program avoids the "blame game" that non-Domination officials are playing among themselves. Instead, it addresses the root cause of the problem: the presence of masses of humanity in flood zones and other perilous places. Which is to say, masses of humanity, period.

  • Upon implementation of this program, all governmental financial support for ongoing procreation will of course be removed. But in the Dominator's opinion, a further symbolic gesture is required.
  • Therefore, every Domination citizen who brings one or more humans into the world, will be first required to invest in a truckload of seawater, representing all the water and other natural resources that one person will ever use. This water will then be poured on New Orleans.
  • Compared with waiting for that or some other city to sink again under the weight of humanity, this will have the same long-term effect, only quicker and more merciful.

As a side effect of the present disaster, gasoline (as harvested off Louisiana shores) is becoming scarce and costly. This should not be a surprise to anyone who's been paying attention to gas prices since 1973. The Domination knows of a pop song called "(I Can't Get) A Gallon of Gas"... recorded in 1979.

  • The Domination of Eiler has always considered gasoline to be a precious resource to be used scarcely, and is actually pleased that gasoline finally costs more per gallon than milk does.
  • The Domination will continue its existing gasoline rationing program, due to current shortages. Thanks to this policy, the DomMobile's fuel gauge has stood at 7/8 full for two weeks now. Let's make it three!

Domination forces are on an Eiler Doctrine mission this Flag Day weekend. Due to gasoline rationing, the Domination Train is being employed. The mission is now underway.

  • The train is on schedule, lightly occupied, and entirely pleasant so far, even in coach class.
  • Maybe once more of the Domination's citizenry realize that cheap gasoline is a thing of the past, the Domination's train vendors will stop threatening to cancel service.
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16 July 2005

Double Feature Movie Day: Fantastic Four and Batman

Roughly once a year, the Dominator treats the Guard troops to a double-feature movie. This year, it's "Fantastic Four" followed by "Batman Begins".

"Fantastic Four" was okay, but could have been improved.

  • The plot could only have been improved by (for instance) a quest for the treasure of Blackbeard the pirate. Which is actually how the Fantastic Four met Doctor Doom in the first place, back in the comic books. Over-the-top weird adventure is what the Fantastic Four is all about. And this movie didn't quite have it.
  • Speaking of Doctor Doom: The Domination of Eiler wants more "I Want to Save the World, If Only It Will Submit to Me" out of its fictional master villains, and less "I Want to Plook My College Buddy's Girlfriend".
  • And if we want "Reed Richards Bankrupt" as a plot element, we need fewer active construction workers in the Baxter Building headquarters.
  • And here's a question to the big-city citizens of the Domination. If unknown freaks with weird powers snarled up traffic on a bridge, thereby getting some firemen in danger, would you cheer them on as they saved the firemen? Or would you gossip about who started the mess in the first place?
  • The answer to that last question isn't obvious to the Dominator. And good modern-day comic books will show people reacting both ways to that situation. But the answer was pretty damned clear-cut in the movie.

"Batman Begins" was good. And it's nice to see the infamous Ra's al Ghul as a master villain, who cares enough for humanity to make it submit.

  • The so-called "Doctor Doom" from that other film should take notes. The Domination of Eiler certainly is. Submit to the Domination!
  • But don't even try to make sense of the fight scenes; they were apparently edited to not make sense. And that's almost understandable. Real-life fights usually don't make sense anyway.
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15 July 2005

Summer Day Camp in the Busse Woods, Illinois

On occasion, the Domination of Eiler gives some of its currency (the Eiler-Hour), or its equivalent in U.S. dollars, in support of disadvantaged people. In particular, the Domination has recently paid some professional summer camp counselors, to herd the needy children of the Township Palatine into summer day camps.

Today, the Domination forces worked at a similar day camp. But the beneficiaries were corporate managers.

It was Departmental Picnic Day for the Domination's engineering facility "Some Big Company-Base Hoffman". That is to say, a volleyball tournament and barbecue, in the Busse Woods of Elk Grove, Core Territories of Illinois, Domination of Eiler. There being few people willing to conduct the picnic exercise, the Domination Guard engineering force intervened.

The Domination of Eiler provided useful support for this exercise in several respects.

  • The Domination's detailed knowledge of the Core Territories, and its bicycle force's onboard street maps, prevented the rental barbecue grills from getting lost.
  • The Domination Guard tool kit came in useful, particularly the duct tape and the Sharpie marker. And the coalition partners found at least four different uses for the Domination's "Great Blade of Fredericksburg" Swiss Army knife. (Screwdriver, prybar, pokey thing, and cutting thing.)
  • The Domination Guard did much heavy lifting of party goods and picnic tables. Afer all, a good party requires a good Oktoberfest-like setting for the patrons. And the Cook County Forest Preserve District doesn't always make that a priority when it configures the tables.

Outside of party duties, the Domination of Eiler got opportunity to send its forces into the woods for hiking stick conquest. A particularly good hardwood hickory stick was conquered. A live stickcarving demonstration was then given at the party, so as to promote the Domination's woodcarving operations. Look for this stick in the Hall of Sticks!

  • Domination of Eiler sticks are currently available for sale in Illinois only, at certain trade shows. Or, if you know someone named "Scott Eiler" in Illinois, the odds are good that he can get you a stick. $25 each, or two for $40!
  • Or, you can buy Eiler sticks online, if you really want to. The Domination of Eiler Woodcarving Division has actually sold some sticks that way. But thus far, online sales of hiking sticks have not been a major priority for the Domination. Most customers agree with the Dominator, you just got to hold the sticks in hand before you buy them.
  • Still, once the Domination integrates with free E-Bay "shopping cart" software so as to sell the Domination Flag, anything's possible. Even a fully functional Online Hall of Sticks.

The Domination Guard athletic force got drafted for volleyball competition, but was defeated. Volleyball (unlike woodcarving) is just not a Domination of Eiler priority. The Domination differs from the "Some Big Company-Base" leadership in this respect; the management volleyball team won the tournament.

This being a work day, the Domination force got paid for most of the exercise. But toward the end, when the volleyball tournament went into overtime, the work became volunteer work. Which is ironic, considering that even for the disadvantaged children of the Domination, the counselors get paid for this stuff.

Understandably, most of the volunteers disappeared at that point, aside from one sweet young Indian woman and one guy in a wheelchair. The Domination forces stayed on, though.

  • In the Dominator's opinion, the last volunteers really needed the help for for re-loading all the party goods.
  • And those particular volunteers have "Coalition Partner" status. The Domination of Eiler does not abandon its coalition partners.

The Dominator commands: Merit badges all around for the day camp counselors!

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8 July 2005

Flags and Trains
Various musings about patriotism, mass transit, and mass murder.
  • The Domination of Eiler encourages patriotism in its citizens - for the Domination of Eiler, of course. And it's working to make its cause public, just like all the other Noble Causes do. The Last Ribbon is already available for purchase, and the Domination's flag should be entering mass production soon.
  • If you want to be patriotic for something else, such as a religion, a nation-state, or an ethnic group, the Domination doesn't mind - provided it hurt no one. The Domination laughs at the concept of the nation-state, but it sometimes joins in patriotic observences, as long as the patriotism makes sense.
  • And therein lies the problem. Nation-state patriotism is increasingly senseless, at every level. For instance, those who would honor their flags, wind up abusing them. The Domination collects flags, but it never has to pay for a United States of America flag; it just picks them up by the side of the road, after they fall off cars.
  • More importantly, all the various forms of patriotism, when misused and combined, are currently the single most spectacularly deadly disease of human origin.
  • Case in point: Yesterday's news covered a bombing of transit systems in London, England, Domination of Eiler. The death toll is currently in the dozens, but is expected to increase; they're still uncovering trains which were bombed. Attackers affiliated themselves with a religious-ethnic cause, in response to a nation-state cause, in response to that same religious-ethnic cause, and so on.
  • The Domination of Eiler declines to use the word "terrorist" to describe these attacks. "Terrorists" will probably be glorified in museums someday, just like pirates are. (Just wait 200 years.) But piracy and "terrorism" are never that pleasant when you have to live with them. Piracy at least had a goal other than death... but the attacks upon London are organized mass murder, pure and simple. And they're based on diseased patriotism.
  • The whole concept of mass murder in a patriotic cause is stupid, and will only generate sympathy for the attackers' enemies. This particular attack was particularly stupid; a Moslem neighborhood was among those targeted.
  • And that is why the Domination of Eiler will never kill just to advance its message. For this particular attack, the Domination felt the appropriate response was to hop a train to sign a condolence book in the nearest United Kingdom consulate.
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18 June 2005

The Ribbon of Domination
Ribbon of Domination

The Domination of Eiler hereby announces a new patriotic symbol for its citizens to proudly display on their vehicles: the Ribbon of Domination. The Domination will now incorporate the Ribbon into the Web Site of Domination.

  • The Domination has long planned a Ribbon of Domination, in response to all those other ribbons that people place on their cars. God Bless America. Support Our Troops. Acknowledge Breast Cancer. Acknowledge Child Abuse. Slow Down for Road Workers. And so on. And so on.
  • The Domination's engineering staff was responsive to this Domination need... when it got the chance. It absent-mindedly implemented the Ribbon of Domination this morning, in between its morning shower and its afternoon bike ride.
  • Finding a ribbon-shape to use as the basis for the design was trivial. A web search on "patriotic magnetic ribbon" yielded hundreds of eager vendors - and their ribbon shapes.
  • Applying the Domination colors and heraldry to the ribbon took about an hour of work. This work was trivial, compared with the comic book covers that the Domination's engineering staff produces in support of the Domination's Dream Blog.

The Domination will explore the prospect of Domination Ribbon Gear for public distribution. Web vendors including Cafe Press will gladly produce stickers, tote bags, and probably even magnetic ribbons with Domination content. With any luck, they can do custom flags too. Or if they can't, the Domination is confident some of its citizens can.

The coming of Domination Ribbon Gear cannot be soon enough. This being the middle of the "United States of America" patriotic holiday season (Memorial Day, Flag Day, and Independence Day), the Domination thinks its citizens need an alternative to the tired old nation-state customs.

Ribbon of Domination

Besides, the Domination's citizenry (well, Jimmy the bartender at least) has expressed an interest in buying a Ribbon that makes fun of other ribbons. Note to Domination engineering staff: We need a Ribbon that says, "No More Ribbons!" In Domination colors, of course. This, of course, will be the Last Ribbon Ever to be magnetically hooked onto people's cars.

The Domination of Eiler hereby declares all future ribbon-shape icons, in whatever form, to be acts of rebellion against the Domination. No More Ribbons!

  • Actual ribbons are exempt from this rule.
  • However, the Domination is still curious why people around Chicago, Illinois, Domination of Eiler are still draping black ribbons from their Polish nation-state flags, to mourn the death of Pope John Paul II. He's gone to the Kingdom of Heaven now. Rejoice for him!
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Accordig to a web search tonight, there seems to be no "No More Ribbons" ribbon yet. Therefore, the entire concept of a "No More Ribbons" Ribbon, and especially this implementation of such ribbon, is hereby copyright © 2005 by Eiler Technical Enterprises. Oh, yeah, count on mass production!

11 June 2005

Six Wheels of Domination in the Fox Valley, Illinois

Today, the Domination of Eiler and its coalition partners assembled a three-rider bicycle force to dominate the Fox Valley River Trail between St. Charles and North Aurora, Illinois.

Route Map

Assembly was in downtown City of Geneva, Extended Core Territories of Illinois, Domination of Eiler. The public parking lot nearest the Geneva Cycle Shop was chosen, because that shop rents bicycles, and some of the coalition partners might have needed that. As it turned out, today's riders didn't need that. And unfortunately, this almost led to a parking issue.

All Domination forces rode with full daytime safety equipment, including helmets and bells, but with a motley mix of their own bicycles.

  • The Domination Guard chose for this mission its fastest road bike, code named "Hudson Thunder Child" and equipped with the "Great Gong of Hudson".
  • The coalition partners were equipped with one hybrid bike (ex-Domination issue, code named "Newton Williams Sedgwick Black Hawk" and equipped with the "Bell of Fredericksburg") and one mountain bike (from Wal-Mart, but equipped with the Domination issue "Cymbal of Palatine").

It is Domination bicycle policy to let the slowest rider set the pace. The mountain biker was therefore chosen to lead the assault. The Domination was therefore not the single speediest bike on the trail, but it was the speediest single group of cyclists. In short, today's three-cyclist Domination force was Six Wheels of Domination.

Of course, as the day went on, the Domination's loyal militia assembled on the trail to provide some obstacle training, for which the Domination is always grateful.

And so the Domination expeditionary force proceeded downriver on the east trail from Geneva to North Aurora, for a cyclist breakfast consisting largely of granola bars and tropical fruits. The Domination Guard's "Great Blade of Fredericksburg" pocket knife was particularly useful in slicing the mangos.

The west trail was used to return. Rest stops in Batavia each way. Mileage up to then on the trip, roughly 16.

Upon return to the assembly point, the lead cyclist on the mountain bike was ready for more riding. The hybrid biker had other commitments, though, and dropped off.

The remaining Domination force then went two more miles upriver, where the town of St. Charles was observing its annual RiverFest, and sought lunch.

Since the trip was on a Saturday, and the Domination had recruited a Hindu coalition partner for this stage of the tour, the Domination force observed Hindu Saturday dietary rituals, and ate purely vegetarian... which led to some adventure in lunch selection.

  • The St. Charles RiverFest had a selection of sausage and $4 Miller Lite beer. Bypass.
  • The Thirsty Dog Pub had hamburgers, freezer pizzas, and $2.5 pints of Grolsch beer. Brief occupation, but only two pints of Grolsch were conquered. Beer, of course, is vegetarian.
  • McNally's Irish Pub had curry fries, spinach and artichoke dip on boxty potato bread, and pitchers of Leinenkugel Honey Weiss. All these things were conquered, but the expeditionary force paid a heavy price in U.S. currency.

After lunch, the Domination force returned to the Geneva staging area. The mountain biker went home to his family, with full intent to return with the family the next day, for continued operations to subjugate the RiverFest. All Hail the Domination!

But for this day, the Domination Guard fast bicycle force was left open for one more mission...

Pride of the Forest Preserve
  • The town of Geneva, Illinois is home to the newly operational Fabyan Windmill. They don't grind grain there any more, but it's open to tourists on weekend afternoons. Free to visitors, but the Domination commands its citizens to either drop $2 in the donation box, or buy $4 in postcards and refrigerator magnets from the gift tent. The Domination chose the gift tent option, because the gift tent gives change.
  • The windmill park is about half a mile south of town, on the east side of the Fox River, and has adequate unrestricted parking. It is therefore superior to the parking in the center of town near the snooty bike shop.

The Domination Guard combined-arms force then returned to its world headquarters at EilerBase Scumburg, but dropped its road bike off at its favorite Scumburg bike shop for maintenance.

  • By the end of the day, the Dom-cycle "Thunder Child" could only get up to 17th gear. This is fine for keeping up with the Domination's coalition partners, but for solo missions, the Domination Guard always requires the top gears 18 through 21.
  • The Domination's mountain bike (the mighty NARF-Cycle) will carry the Domination's mission load until road-bike maintenance is complete.
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