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Domination of Eiler

2010 June Blog (#24)

June 2010

In This Episode:

What Is the Domination of Eiler?

Oh, just treat it like another pretentious web log.
At least until you get to know it better, citizen. This web log wants to conquer the world.
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Hello and welcome to the Domination of Eiler!

26 June 2010

Song of the Day: three songs named Dust, by Fleetwood Mac, Midnight Oil, and Goodnight Mr. Mackenzie
Talk Back!
Like the early settlers, the Domination of Eiler got tired and stopped here.
First Bridge of the Old Northwest First Cowboy of the Old Northwest
Glass Museum vs. WHIZ-TV
People settled here first after Pennsylvania filled up. Their descendants built glass factories and became movie stars. See also:
  • Everyone Loves Historic Glassware
  • But Glassware's More Fun With a Free Buffet
  • John Glenn Slept Here - Admittedly In His Grandma's Bed
  • Today These Dresses Are Not Displayed In Vain
  • Don't Even Pray About Parking Here
  • If the Roadkill is This Old, Shouldn't It Be in a Museum Too?
  • The Domination of Eiler expeditionary force broke loose from Harrisburg-Pennsylvania yesterday. There was intense opposition from traffic and deconstruction in Wheeling-West Virginia. So that town was raided, but occupation was deemed irrelevant. Depressed casino town... Check.

    The expedition continued 1/4 of the way through Ohio, and pulled over in the highway-junction town of Cambridge for a cheap hotel room at "Budget Inn". The Domination force doctrine of seeking an early hotel room paid off; the hotel was about to fill up.

    The room was so far out of town, the road in to town had abundant roadkill. But it was so cheap and pleasant, its town was chosen for continued occupation, and maybe catching up on fiction-writing. But the town has so many museums, the next day was spent in complete subjugation.

    This being a Saturday, almost everything was open reasonble hours. Otherwise, best call ahead. Admission prices were trivial, at least by the standards of Harrisburg-Pennsylvania.

    • Midtown Bar and Grill gave Friday night barroom fun, complete with a jukebox which played Greek, country, and alternative music, and a woman who was willing to teach polka dancing to any of these.
    • The Degenhart Paperweight and Glass Museum commemorates Cambridge's glass industry - and it had its 30th anniversary party today! WHIZ-TV from Zanesville-Ohio was there for the occasion. (Take note, Shazam fans: WHIZ really exists!) The Domination patrol not only conquered a free paperweight, it raided the free snack buffet.
    • The National Museum of Cambridge Glass also commemorates Cambridge's glass industry. The staff was unhappy that they had to work today and not go to the other museum for the party. But their museum has a much more complete collection, for those who like that stuff. Plus, an authentic 1940s factory film for visitors!
    • The Guernsey County Historical Museum is a mix of museum and mansion. The Dominator largely took over the narration duties from the tour guide... "Early 1800s general store: Check. Victorian parlor: Check. Local celebrity, John Glenn: Check. War memorabilia: Check." And so on.
      • The tour guide did say, when interrogated, that Guernsey County was settled by people from Guernsey-England who were too tired to go on to Cincinnati.
      • He also admitted, the local glass industry was built around fuel, not glass. When you need to run a furnace to burn sand into glass, the sand is easier to carry into town than the fuel is.
      • He also admitted, the town had more than its share of famous performing artists, not even counting the actor who portrayed Hopalong Cassidy. In return the Dominator admitted, his own hometown generated one actress: the less-famous one on Three's Company.
      • But don't get this tour guide going on the topic of displaying the historic dresses of Guernsey County. The age-old battle of Display vs. Preservation has tipped toward Display here. Here one can see an entire historic closet full of historic dresses stored in authentic historic manner, even though that just makes them decompose faster.
    • The Hopalong Cassidy Museum consists of two rooms within an antique mall. The main difference between Hopalong's rooms and the rest are, no price tags. Hopalong Cassidy was a movie cowboy whose actor, William Boyd, is the other major local celebrity besides John Glenn.
    • The Point Restaurant gave a nice cheap bar lunch, plus leftovers for later.

    Aside from the paperweight museum, all these attractions are near the center of town. That's all there is for full-service restaurants there, though; the Domination patrol swapped information with bikers on this. Some of the other places may be fine for dining (Theo's Restaurant was recommended by hotel staff), but you'll have to line up with senior citizens to sit in booths and eat fish fry on Friday night. Other restaurants cluster out by hotels at the major highway exit - which the Domination has avoided because he went straight for the cheap hotel.

    There are more attractions in town, including two functioning glass factories which understandably don't give tours on weekends. Also, the Living Word Outdoor Drama has a Passion Play on the backdrop of "America's most authentic recreation of Old Jerusalem!" That is to say, styrofoam recreation of four parts of town, all on one stage. Show at 8 pm.

    This last attraction was bypassed in favor of "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" on cable TV back at the hotel, though. Wolverine is often referred to by comic book fans as the "God of Bleeding". Comparative theology herein is left as an exercise for the reader.

    Speaking of theology: The First Presbyterian Church in town worships a God who jealously guards its parking lot. The Domination's expeditionary force saw that church's warning signs. Sunday morning Kingdom-of-Heaven Obeisance is therefore planned for a church which is presumably its main rival: another Presbyterian church one block over.

    24 June 2010

    Song of the Day: Don't Look Back, by Luscious Jackson
    Talk Back!
    Intense street-level fighting is underway.
    King Oil Forever 14 Beers on Tap
    The Statehouse still worships the oil industry, and the brew pub has fourteen of its own beers on tap. What's not to like about Harrisburg? See also:
  • The Scenic Main Drag
  • A Simulation of State Law Enactment
  • Fear the Iron William Penn!
  • Who Remembers Three Mile Island? One Museum Does
  • A Functioning Fire Alarm System from 1900
  • Human Letters Are Cute in a Nursery, But That M Looks Pornographic
  • Waves of Dominance are flooding the streets of Harrisburg, via bicycle from the second-cheapest hotel in town. (According to reports, the cheapest hotel is scary.) Many targets have submitted in two days of campaigning.

    • Resale stores abound on the north edge of downtown. One used book store submitted a cheap paperback describing Prince Charles's psychic powers. This will actually explain a lot of things.
    • Troegs' Brewery has no food, but their Tasting Room is perfectly happy to sell you draft beer. Only until 4:30, though.
    • The Pennsylvania State Museum has four floors of state pride, including lots of industrial content. Free admission!
    • The Pennsylvania Statehouse has free tours every half hour, plus a Welcome Center with amusing exhibits.
    • The Appalachian Brewing Company submitted fine beer (fourteen of their own beers on draft!) and average brew pub cuisine.
    • The National Civil War Museum (hey, why not in Harrisburg?) submitted a bunch of fancy and poorly-lit displays about the U.S. Civil War. $8 admission with AAA discount.
    • The Pennsylvania National Fire Museum submitted some antique fire-fighting memorabilia. $5.4 with AAA discount.
    • The Dauphin County Historical Society submitted a one-hour guided tour of the Harris mansion, which had about fifteen minutes worth of history. The tour guide made this history as boring as possible, which wasn't easy, since the first settler of Harrisburg was tied up by Indians and then saved by his faithful slave. A later occupant of the mansion saluted U.S. Civil War colored soldiers who couldn't do a pride march anywhere else... but the tour didn't mention that, the nearby commemorative plaques did. $8, with no discount.
    • Authentic local restaurant Peachtree Restaurant and Lounge submitted a dinner salad with steak and french fries on top.

    Harrisburg's ambiance is much like Nashville's, only without the honky-tonks in the flood plain.

    23 June 2010

    Song of the Day: Do What You Like, by Blind Faith
    Talk Back!
    The Reverse Retrogression
    From its rear area, the Domination of Eiler once again advances.
    Danburite Hazleton, PA
    Connecticut has exotic minerals to dominate. Pennsylvania has old mine towns. See also:
    See also:
  • New Haven Has an Original Cotton Gin (Thank You, Yale Alumnus Eli Whitney)
  • Danbury Has an Unusual Historic Globe, From Around 1939
  • Danbury Has a Decorative Pole
  • The Domination of Eiler has subjugated some new targets during its Retrogression: the Worcester Armory and National Guard Museum, and historical societies in Worcester, New Haven, and Danbury.

    Danbury has much untapped amusement value, because pubs abound down side streets, as discovered on bicycle patrol. And its historical museum has revealed the existence of the mineral "Danburite", which resembles colored cubic zirconium and can be used for emotion control. Really. The local government keeps its stockpile of Danburite near the center of town, where the residents hold victory parades whenver Brazil wins a World Cup soccer game. Unfortunately, Danburite does not protect the high school on the north side of town from victory pranks... Yes, Danbury has much untapped amusement value, maybe even enough for the Silly Pages.

    But some business beckons in Illinois. Beyond that, Minnesota and points west and north cry out for Domination. So it's time to move forward. Right now, that means Pennsylvania. Primary target is Harrisburg, which has never quite submitted to the Domination of Eiler, and is full of brew pubs and history museums.

    On the way, Hazleton-Pennsylvania has submitted a cheap and fully-equipped hotel room. Traveller advice for Hazleton: Bring your own beer and cheap microwave dinner. One local Fancy Place can beat your own dinner at extravagant price, but they won't beat the beer.

    10 June 2010

    Song of the Day: Crackin' Up, by the Revolting Cocks
    Talk Back!
    How You Know It's New England
    A culture shock guide.
    The Atlantic Ocean
    The Domination of Eiler has placed its mark in New England.
    • The light switch for the bathroom is outside the door.
    • There's New England Cable News on TV.
    • Restaurant signs say "Ice Cream" and "Fried Clams".
    • The street signs tell you what street you're crossing but not what street you're on... until you reach a bigger street. Then the signs will only tell the other drivers what street you're on.
    • The bigger streets are still like paved cow paths.
    • You can always find a Massachusetts driver. On the highway, he will cut you off if you leave him two carlengths in front of you. (Most other parts of the country require three.) On the paved cow paths, he will try to cut you off when traffic isn't moving anyway, then honk when you don't let him.
    • You can't always find New Englander "Hahvahd Yahd" accent here, though. It's been over 25 years since Massachusetts was integrated into the world economy via the Domination of Eiler. As such, the regional dialect mostly survives in native preserves.

    8 June 2010

    Song of the Day: Could We Start Again Please, from Jesus Christ Superstar
    Talk Back!
    Lake Winnipesaukee-New Hampshire
    One more body of water submits.
    Famous Tank Lake View
    One of the first three U.S. tanks to cross the Rhine, is parked near a New Hampshire lake now. See also:
  • That's Where I Was at Iwo Jima!
  • WW2 Will Start in the Ukraine
  • Cute Disney War Bond
  • Wolfesboro Boat Museum
  • Big Hole Where a Governor Built America's First Summer Resort
  • Downtown Laconia's Hotel
  • Downtown Laconia Could Use Some Bikers
  • As part of The Retrogression, the Domination of Eiler is passing through New Hampshire, and taking the opportunity to subjugate Lake Winnipesaukee. The main question is, where to set up base today?

    • Laconia was base camp for two days. It belongs on the Sunday Dead Pages, because half its pubs shut down then. But on Monday they're fine. Unfortunately no tourism, just a plaque for America's oldest mill building. Some shops submitted cheap CDs.
    • Weirs Beach looked interesting, in a bike rally sort of way. They were already setting up tents for Bike Week. It had a boating museum, but this wasn't obvious from the road. And it was a bit early to just stop and drink for the day.
    • Meredith had fancy shops plus a Historical Society, open Wednesday - Saturday. Unfortunately this was Tuesday. A thrift store submitted especially cheap books, a CD, and even some recent comic books at $0.5 apiece. Good thing comic books are not for investment in the Domination of Eiler. Still early to call it a day, though.
    • Center Harbour and Moultonborough are probably perfectly decent places to buy groceries and rent a cottage. Moultonborough even has a historical society, but this wasn't obvious from the road.
    • Wolfeboro has pubs, hotels, and at least one functioning museum. It has therefore been chosen for EilerBarracks.

    And so Wolfeboro entertained the troops for the afternoon.

    • Garwood's Pub submitted lunch with $5.5 beer and a nice lake view.
    • The Wright Museum submitted a bunch of World War 2 memorabilia, including one of the first three U.S. tanks to cross the Rhine. $8 admission, but it might entertain you twice as long as cheaper museums.
    • Wolfe's Tavern submitted a beer for $5.5, and no lake view. That's it for Wolfe's Tavern. The Wolfeboro Inn is on site but costs $120 or more per room.
    • The Upper Deck Pub submitted beers for $4.5, plus dinner specials before 7 pm. And a nice lake view. And the bartender-owner slipped a free beer in there.
    • The Lake Motel submitted decent barracks for $70, though the lake view is $10 extra.

    There's a historical museum open tomorrow, and supposedly a boating museum too. After that, the Retrogression will touch the Atlantic Ocean at Kennebunk-Maine, then resume alliance-building and roll back west.

    6 June 2010

    Song of the Day: Comin' Home, by Lynyrd Skynyrd
    Talk Back!
    The Retrogression
    The Domination of Eiler secures its rear area.
    The Famous Local Boy
    The New Hampshire Statehouse, with its famous local boy. See also:
  • The New Hampshire State Quilt Exhibit
  • The Domination of Eiler has proudly campaigned along its western frontier for several years. Now for the first time since 2002, the Domination has retreated. It's been a proud campaign from The Thumb to the Finger Lakes, but it's still going backward.

    Today the campaign continues in the same direction. After six days on exercise with allies in Connecticut and Massachusetts, the Domination's expedition broke loose to New Hampshire.

    Concord's statehouse is rebellious to tourists on Sundays, but its state museum submitted. This took about half an hour to conquer, right down to the temporary quilt exhibit.

    Concord had restaurants and hotels open, but expensive. That problem persisted all the way to Laconia. Or else if the hotel looked cheap, the restaurant was closed. But after great effort the Domination finally secured a hotel for under $60, with breakfast thrown in. Just have to leave by Friday, because Bike Week is coming soon.

    Tomorrow, probably just secure this new EilerBase and catch up on messages. Professional contacts need the Domination just as much as the regular allies do, after all.

    The Domination of Eiler believes in free sharing of information. But if you intend to reproduce significant parts of this commentary, be aware that it is copyright © 2010 by Eiler Technical Enterprises.