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Xmas in the Domination of Eiler

For the convenience of its reading citizenship, the Domination of Eiler here presents several years' worth of December holiday journals, condensed into one.

What Is the Domination of Eiler?

In one sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a political entity modeled upon the Holy Roman Empire of medieval Europe. Which is to say, it claims every place where its leader has established his presence. It works through national and local political entities, but transcends nation-state boundaries. You may already be a citizen without knowing it!

In another sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a pen name for an amateur but very prolific web journalist. Perhaps you may enjoy these writings, given this simple guide:

  • The Domination of Eiler is led by, of course, the Dominator.
  • Its chief military force, and bodyguard of the Dominator, is the Domination Guard.
  • The Domination of Eiler pays all respect to the Kingdom of Heaven. But modern societies have always adapted the religious rituals for their own secular purposes. The Domination of Eiler now adapts the secular rituals likewise.
  • The Dominator loves to visit his relatives during the December holidays. But there's always an adventure therein.
  • December Holidays in the Domination

    It seems obvious to Domination analysts, that the holiday season commonly known as "Christmas" consists of several individual holidays in sequence:

    1. Partymas. The holiday party season. Typicaly lasting weeks in advance of Travelmas.
    2. Travelmas I and II. The holiday travel season, typically days before and after Christmas and Giftmas.
    3. Christmas Eve. A brief Kingdom-of-Heaven obeisance on 24 December, for those so inclined.
    4. Giftmas. The ritual receiving of gifts on 25 December, hereafter referred to as Giftmas Day. Typically hours long.

    The Domination refers to this collection of December holidays as "Xmas".

    Partymas in the Domination

    The Christian holiday of the Winter Solstice was derived from a Roman holiday of the same season, called "Saturnalia". The Roman holiday's name still survives in the English language, as an alternative word for "really big party".

    The Domination of Eiler honors this tradition of Western civilization, by enthusiastically supporting the holiday of Partymas, and extending it to people of all faiths.

    The Domination also observes the ancient ritual of putting up bright shiny lights to banish the encroaching darkness. In fact, that's one of the three best things about the holiday.

    The Domination choral force also sings popular secular holiday carols in honor of the season. However, the Domination of Eiler wording of these carols differs slightly from popular usage.

    Travelmas in the Domination

    In the Domination, Xmas always used to result in an invocation of the Eiler Doctrine. Travelmas was therefore always observed. As of 2009, though, the Dominator had started building his own Household of Dominance. It may therefore be that Travelmas will be avoided in future.

    Most years, the Domination observes an abbreviated Travelmas ritual, lasting only three hours each direction. The Eiler-clan installation closest to Domination world headquarters is always the target for these rituals. The abbreviated ritual is typically performed Giftmas morning, so as to allow Christmas Eve observance in the Core Territories.

    However, in years evenly divisible by 3, the Dominator gets the urge to visit his more distant relatives, and more importantly, spend a day in precious seclusion before and after. (Seclusion would be the third and final best thing about the holiday.) To avoid airline horror stories, the Domination Train is employed on these occasions.

    Christmas in the Domination

    Christmas is always an occasion for Kingdom-of-Heaven obeisance. This is always observed on Christmas Eve, because even the most enthusiastic Christians will practically always set the entire next day aside for Giftmas Day observance.

    When the Dominator has not already observed Travelmas, Christmas observance occurs in the Core Territories, alongside Domination coalition partners. The coalition fields a combined Domination choral force on these occasions.

    When Christmas is observed outside the Core Territories, the associate-Eiler local church serves as the venue. The Domination Guard choral force always makes itself available for exercises alongside Domination militia.

    The Domination observes time restrictions on its Kingdom-of-Heaven obeisance on Christmas. In particular, the Domination has never observed a midnight Christ Mass in its history.

    Giftmas in the Domination

    Giftmas is an unavoidable part of each Eiler Doctrine intervention in December. Therefore, some sort of ritual giving is mandated.

    Domination analysts have indicated, the following ritual is observed among Domination gift-recipients:

    As such, the Domination has implemented the following gift-giving strategy.

    Analysis by origin of Dominator-gift:


    The Domination is familiar with many individuals who think that all Christian ritual is a plot by the One Maker against humanity.

    But history shows, whenever a ritual develops, it's because there's a demand for it among humans. The evolution of the original Christian solstice holiday into the modern Xmas, is just another step in the growth of rituals upon human demand. So don't blame the Maker.

    The Domination does not mandate the observance of any holiday by its citizens. In short, the Domination recommends, if you don't like a particular part of Xmas, feel free to skip it. Perhaps someday, the Dominator will put the Eiler Doctrine aside for the holidays and do likewise.

    Appendix: Domination Xmas Carols

    Welcome to the rude Xmas Carol lyrics of the Domination of Eiler, citizen. The Domination strikes back against two months of Xmas music in retail stores, with these altered versions of Xmas carols. All Hail the Domination!

  • The Freehold Carol, or, Santa Claus is DEAD (to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")

      You better watch out, you better not cry,
      You better not pout, I'm telling you why,
      Santa Claus is DEAD!

      They're stacking up chairs, they're closing the mall,
      You wanna know why, I'm telling you all,
      Santa Claus is DEAD!

      He's got a gift for maggots, it don't come from no elf,
      It's wrapped up in a casket, 'cause it's Santa's own dead self!

      He used to keep track who's naughty and nice,
      But now he is just attracting the flies!
      Santa Claus is DEAD!

      He's dead if you are sleeping, he's dead if you're awake,
      He's dead if you've been bad or good, so let's have a Christmas wake!

      You better watch out, you better not cry,
      You better not pout, I'm telling you why,
      Santa Claus is DEAD!

    • The first verse of "Santa Claus is DEAD" seems to be widespread folk art going back several decades. It came to the Domination's attention in a Christian youth group in suburban Indianapolis during the 1970s, wherein the youth leaders were demented enough to deface the popular Xmas carols themselves. The Domination hereby acknowledges its formative influences.
    • "Santa Claus is DEAD" came to full form as the Freehold Carol, during Domination operations in Freehold-New Jersey, 1996, when Xmas had not even officially started but its music was everywhere, and it was closing time at the Freehold Raceway Mall.
    • The full Freehold Carol was disseminated to Usenet then, and was well-received. It may be in wide circulation by now.

  • The Kankakee Carol (to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
  • The Madison Carol , or, Maggots the Snowman (to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")


    1. The term "Domination Train" refers to any train which is chosen to transport the Dominator. It is similar to "Air Force One" in that respect. (See Reference)
    2. The term "Elixir Vitae" here refers to all beverages produced by fermentation (the output of the yeast-citizens of the Domination, highly valued by Domination residents). Elixir Vitae extact is distilled by professionals in an 80-proof form, and combined with available liquids to produce the Domination's alcohol ration in field conditions. (See Reference)
    3. Gift-giving behavior of senior larval-Eilers continues into 2004, despite pre-holiday rumors to the contrary. (See Reference)
    4. The Domination's charity experiment cannot be considered successful. The primary problem is, when the certificates are hidden behind trivial presents, most recipients never even notice. However, the Dominator must also admit to losing nerve and giving the trivial gift certificates as a backup. (See Reference)