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Domination of Eiler

2009 Summer Fun Blog (#20)

August - July 2009

In This Episode:

What Is the Domination of Eiler?

Oh, just treat it like another pretentious web log.
At least until you get to know it better, citizen. This web log wants to conquer the world.
Educational links are provided at the top of the page.
Hello and welcome to the Domination of Eiler!

31 August 2009

Talk Back!
Dropping the Bomb
News of the Dominator's marital alliance is sweeping through the Domination of Eiler.

Dominator and Consort have started making social appearances together as fiancees. The Russian community of the Chicago suburbs is pleased to have the Consort's new friend at dinner parties. The rest of the community there is mostly just amazed.

Today, the Dominator innocently changed his marital status on Facebook from "Single" to "Engaged". This has provoked a firestorm of congratulation (and requests for more information) from the Domination homelands of Indiana, Illinois, and Michigan. Tennessee already knew, because the engagement was declared there.

The Consort is known to most people as "Yelena". She worked with the Dominator at some big phone company in Illinois. By her own account, the Dominator got her attention in 2006, when he quit his $#!+ job and cut off his ponytail.

In 2007 the Dominator left Illinois for Michigan. In 2009 he came back - for one week, on the way to Tennessee. By that time the Consort was herself without job. So she followed the Dominator to Tennessee, as part of a joint hiking vacation wherein she chased him up Mount LeConte. It was like an Appalachian courtship ritual.

It was therefore only natural that the Dominator propose marriage to the Consort, at an outdoor candlelight dinner during a later vacation at the Cumberland Gap. The wedding ceremony is currently planned for mid-November, probably back at the Gap which is fairly centrally-located to the widespread families.

Thank you for your well-wishes, everyone.

29 August 2009

What if Armageddon Were Boring?
Talk Back!
Armageddon of Sticks... Ho Hum
Back in Scumburg-Illinois, the Woodcarving Directorate of the Domination of Eiler (a.k.a. "The Hall of Sticks") gathered a force of 22 sticks to sell at a car show and aviation festival. It sold none. Too bad hiking and aviation don't usually go together.

24 August 2009

Talk Back!
The Judgment
The Kingdom of Heaven itself has intervened between Nashville-Tennessee and the Domination of Eiler.

Nashville-Tennessee is a rebellious place, where not everyone makes it. It is hereby sentenced to life without The Dominator. It will of course remain Domination of Eiler territory under terms similar to South Lansing-Michigan, but the Domination garrison withdraws toward the Continental EilerDepot in Illinois tomorrow.

The Dominator is a thick-headed sociopath, according to various Internet forums. He is hereby sentenced to life with The Consort. A matrimonial union was arranged during the last trip to the Cumberland Gap. A marriage ceremony is in the works... In the judgment of Heaven, all things really are possible.

11 August 2009

Nashville 50-Saloon Initiative: 54
Talk Back!
The First Day of Forever...?
This could be a serious life change.

The Consort is coming to Tennessee! She'll be joining a troop surge to pacify Nashville, and helping clean out EilerBase for retreat back toward Chicago. After that, if all goes well, Dominator and Consort will pool their resources and operate a joint base.

... Get your minds out of the gutter, everyone. Any relationship is what the parties make of it. The parties in question are both good Christians, and are going about their relationship in proper order. First, see if it's possible to live together without driving each other crazy. If so, all things are possible.

Still, this probably marks the end of the Nashville 50-Saloon Initiative. Not that the Consort hates saloons; indeed, she'll probably come along. But with his knowledge of fifty saloons, the Dominator should be able to just show her the good places by now.

10 August 2009

Talk Back!
The Emperor of Nashville
Occasionally the Kingdom of Heaven raises someone to secretly dominate one town.

Today at the lunch counter, the Dominator met an old guy who looked homeless. He walked over, and asked the usual sort of question about the Dominator's journalling device: "What's that?" (The usual variant is, "Is that a computer?") But the waitress recognized him and knew what he was drinking. Even now the guy is walking around the restaurant, looking into closets, and trying on hats.

This is not unusual in the Domination of Eiler. The Dominator is not always around to dominate your town in person. That practice falls to Emperors.

The practice pre-dates the Domination of Eiler. San Francisco had an Emperor Norton in the 1860s who established the custom. The criterion is, they must be treated like royalty, preferably in multiple parts of society, for no apparent reason other than, people like him.

The Dominator can name people who served as Emperor in his favorite towns in Massachusetts and Michigan. ("Bernie" and "Willie", in case any of the faithful citizens of the Domination are reading along.) The Dominator himself has served as Emperor in his favorite Illinois town. Occasionally the Dominator notices an apparent Emperor in other places, such as Racine-Wisconsin or Nashville-Tennessee.

Just as the Dominator is secretly the rightful ruler of Earth, so each town may have a secret rightful ruler. This is obviously part of the One Maker's plan for humankind, so the Domination of Eiler has no choice but to endorse it alongside the rest of humanity.

9 August 2009

Nashville 50-Saloon Initiative: 53
Talk Back!
The Domination Guide to Tourist Memorabilia
How to make your T-shirt mean something.

In keeping with the Domination principle of "Think Global, Dominate Local", the Domination of Eiler says, the more local and obscure your T-shirt logo, the better. Likewise for key chains, luggage tags, lapel pins, hiking stick medallions, etc.

Here are some examples from Domination merchandise. Of course, the Domination only buys the best.

OK Good Better Best
Greenland Kangerlussuaq, Greenland Sondrestrom Air Force Base, Greenland Luftgruppe Vest, Royal Danish Air Force, Detachment Greenland
Texas Dallas Deep Ellum, Dallas Fat Ted's, Deep Ellum, Dallas
Illinois Chicago Elgin Elgin Maroons
Michigan Lansing The Grand River The Drawdown Cleanup of the Grand River
North Carolina Cherokee, North Carolina Museum of the Cherokee Indian Seal of the Eastern Band of the Cherokee Nation
Tennessee Nashville Downtown Presbyterian Church, Nashville Downtown Presbyterian Church Wednesday Lunch - Who Said There's No Such Thing as a Free Lunch?

1 August 2009

The Stimulus Is Here
Nashville 50-Saloon Initiative: 52
Talk Back!
The Stimulus Has Come to Save Us!
But so far the U.S. Gov's economic recovery plan is only saving Nashville's street sign industry.

27 July 2009

Nashville 50-Saloon Initiative: 51
Talk Back!
Geo Tracker, Rest in Peace
A little-noticed fatality in Nashville-Tennessee.
Geo Tracker, R.I.P
Resting place for a valiant servant of the Domination of Eiler.

The Domination of Eiler's longest-lasting assault vehicle was laid to rest at Goodwill Industries of Middle Tennessee today. The deceased's vital organs will be auctioned to benefit charity.

The vehicle's next-of-kin at General Motors were in attendance when the patient was hospitalized, but denied it life-support. Personnel of General Motors have declined comment on the incident.

A wake for the deceased was held at a sports pub in the Hillsboro Village district of Nashville. At the wake, the vehicle's employer had this to say: "Perhaps in death it will help keep other vehicles alive, even after their maker fails them."

Tater, 1997 - 2009

22 July 2009

Talk Back!
The RSS Web Log of Dominance
For (presumed) compatibility with Facebook and other readers, RSS Feed now available at !

18 July 2009

Talk Back!
Nashville 50-Saloon Initiative: 50
Reading List
Lately the Domination of Eiler spends most of its time between computer solitaire games and cheap paperbacks, the latest of which is from Oscar Wilde. One hopes Mr. Wilde appreciates showing up in thrift stores.

17 July 2009

Talk Back!
Nashville 50-Saloon Initiative: 48
Northern Summer Comes South
Refreshingly cool and sunny weather prevails in Nashville now. A perfect weekend to finish the 50-Saloon Initiative. And that will probably be the last thing the Domination of Eiler accomplishes in Nashville. 2009-07-16 2009-07-16

16 July 2009

Talk Back!
Nashville 50-Saloon Initiative: 47
Bachelors vs. the Holy Grail
The Domination of Eiler weighs in on whether Jesus had children.

Most recent on the Domination of Eiler reading list was "Holy Blood, Holy Grail", the book which started the "DaVinci-Code" theory that Jesus of Nazareth had children. The theory can actually be summarized as a rude joke: If you seek a Holy Grail that held the Savior's bodily fluids, you need look no further than Mary Magdalene.

One might say, the topic's been controversial.

  • The authors admit, they were forced by the lack of evidence to loosen their scholastic rigor to roughly the level of novelists. Not to say they're wrong, but not to say they're necessarily right either.
  • According to the authors, the book was most fervently opposed by the Anglican Church. The Catholic Church just shrugged and said, "Maaaybe, but we'll never admit it."
  • It so happens, the Domination of Eiler operates a Cyber-Church - of Jesus Christ Childfree. The topic of whether Jesus had children is therefore of great interest to the Domination's freelance theologians - and they've already responded. Suffice it to say, Jesus makes more sense as a bachelor.

These theorists assume the early apostles tried to stamp out Jesus's family after the Crucifixion, and the family had to go to France for its own safety. Christian tradition says differently: for some reason, the original Christians actually acted like good Christians.

  • Jesus's relatives didn't always get along with the disciples during his ministry. But afterward, the disciples adopted the family. The apostle John treated Mary of Nazareth as his own mother. And James the Lord's brother found the new family business so lucrative, he joined in.
  • Indications are, the early Christians freely swapped information - hence the similarity of the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke. The Nativity story was probably recorded by the apostle Paul's follower Luke, after an interview with Mother Mary.

In its fullest bloom, the story of Jesus's children encompasses the first post-Roman kings of France, the Crusader kings of Jerusalem, the Knights Templar, the Albigensian crusade, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, and the Priory of Zion. This makes a perfectly good conspiracy theory, and the Domination of Eiler sees no reason to destroy it just because the Savior had no children.

  • Under Jewish law (Deuteronomy 25:5-10), Jesus's little brother James would be perfectly eligible to continue his brother's bloodline. Indeed, he'd be required to if Jesus were married. That might have given James a bit of extra motivation to join the family business.
  • The family of Jesus had every reason to stay in Judea - at least until Judea rebelled against Rome. Then they'd have every reason to go to France instead.

Ultimately God alone knows what happened. That is to say, it's perfectly reasonable for the rest of us to believe in alternate pasts. It just so happens, the Domination of Eiler favors one particular alternate past in this case. 2009-07-13 2009-07-13

13 July 2009

The Guns of Donelson
Talk Back!
Domination of Eiler Frontline: Dover - Tennessee
Vacation Collapse
  • First target Evansville-Indiana has amenities but no attractions; all its museums are closed each Monday.
  • Second target Fort Donelson-Tennessee is an attraction but has no amenities.
  • So, saw both places and made it all the way to Nashville afterward. This should end vacation for a while.
  • 2009-07-12 2009-07-12

    12 July 2009

    Talk Back!
    Shadow Highway 41
    U.S. Highway 41 is the major north-south axis of the Domination of Eiler, but no one ever drives it south of Merrillville-Indiana. The Domination's expeditionary force broke through to Terre Haute-Indiana on it. 2009-07-12 2009-07-12

    11 July 2009

    Talk Back!
    Scumburg, An End
    Business complete and social obligations met in Scumburg-Illinois. But after zipping around the landscape like a monkey on crack, the expeditionary force is for once observing Saturday dinner with tea and Pop-Tarts in the hotel room. 2009-07-06 2009-07-06

    6 July 2009

    Talk Back!
    Went from Indianapolis to Monticello / Indiana Beach amusement park, but found that not worth occupying. Riding the bike to dinner at a brewpub of Scumburg-Illinois in cool sunny northern weather is holiday enough. 2009-07-05 2009-07-05

    5 July 2009

    Benjamin Harrison Home
    Talk Back!
    Partially conquered a church service/Appalachian travelog at the old hometown church. Entirely conquered a Brunch of Champions (at English Ivy's pub), the President Benjamin Harrison Home, and much of historic "old north" Indianapolis. 2009-07-04 2009-07-04

    4 July 2009

    Talk Back!
    Domination of Eiler Hometown #1 may have fallen on hard times.
    Not even the hurricane zones in Florida are this scary.

    The Domination of Eiler has sent its forces to Indianapolis to conquer its new land assault vehicle (a Ford Escape) and get some down time. Indianapolis has provided a respite from heavy traffic between Nashville-Tennessee and Chicago-Illinois. After the recent offensive into Florida, the Dominator and the Consort both appreciate that.

    On trips to Indianapolis, the nearby Town of Speedway is traditionally selected for occupation for both pragmatic and sentimental reasons: it has several motels and restaurants, and the Dominator grew up there. The people of Speedway are surfacing on Facebook, and the Dominator's 30-year high school reunion is in a few months.

    So, the forces moved into town yesterday - but promptly evacuated to the Clarion Hotel just outside the Speedway town line. Speedway was scary! So says the Consort. And she led the Abandoned House Safari during the Domination's invasion of Florida, so she should know.

    The Consort softened her opinion of Speedway, after a nice dinner at probably the best locally-owned restaurant in town (Union Jack's Pub), a walk around town, and a few stories about growing up there. She's gone on to Chicago, leaving the Dominator with more down time in Indianapolis. But her impartial observation remains. Speedway is scary - especially around the motels by the highway. Those motels have started closing, and the nearby apartment buildings are showing some damage.

    The Town of Speedway was always proud of its diversified industrial base. In addition to the Indy 500, it is home to Coca-Cola and General Motors plants. Too bad General Motors is practically dead.

    Indianapolis plans to observe the Fourth of July with fireworks - if the rain stops. Speedway is observing it with a picnic sponsored by the Lions Club. The locally-owned restaurants and barber shops are closed for the holiday. Those parts of Speedway which are not scary, are boring. It looks like a very quiet evening.

    The Domination of Eiler believes in free sharing of information. But if you intend to reproduce significant parts of this commentary, be aware that it is copyright © 2009 by Eiler Technical Enterprises.