Escalation: The Third Wave
Dream Vacation. After Tekno-Otelo II, the
people at DuoPolarity of Boston are grateful for the part I played,
so they hire me as a contractor and then send me on vacation.
Among other things, I do the following:
Go to England to see Deep Purple Unplugged, plus the Concerto
for Group and Orchestra #2 performed with Bigfoot the Ultimate
Amplifier. (5 January 1996)
Swap home-brew with Thor for Asgardian lemon jelly, wherein
I find that most Asgardians and several superheroes are veteran home brewers.
(15 January 1996)
Spend a civilized night in Worcester, Massachusetts drinking
good beer among polite concert-goers watching the Red Hot Chili
Peppers, then breakfast on muffins and chocolate stout at a brew-pub.
(16 January 1996)
Go to an alternate universe Indianapolis and barely make it
back! First I use my knowledge of Morse code and Indiana militia
law of the 1800s to decode the message "BR O CHAMPIONS".
Then I realize that if I answer the message and show up for breakfast
at the State Capitol building, I will be drafted! I have to stand
in line with cross-universe colonists to go home. (23 January
Go to Strokers', the tavern that recreates the little-known
Jewish rebellion of 114 AD. (23 February 1996)
Don't go to the Monadnock Bible College with the youth
group this year! Instead, because Monadnock is always crowded
and is far away on snow-covered back roads, we're having
an overnight at our home church, with Vara Hosea, Joan Osborne,
and Alanis Morrisette playing charades. (17 March 1996)
- Reality Note: Little did I realize that Deep Purple was actually
planning their second performance of their Concerto for Group and Orchestra!
They did this for its 30th anniversary in 1999.
Anything for a Buck. I mostly get all this
vacation because work is spotty at my home company. When I go
back to work, I do the following:
Attend a party in North Grafton, Massachusetts as a legal
advisor to the Galactic Alliance. Their leaders make a much-speculated
comment about 36-foot penises before the heroes Scudbuster and Ellipsis cut
transmission in orbit and North Grafton respectively, in a gesture
which will become synonymous with "Please Stand By".
(25 March 1996)
Take an airplane flight along with several evangelists in
powered armor, to where Reddy Killerwatt the Son of the Devil
has taken over a nuclear reactor and is broadcasting "Nuclear
Radio from Vermont." (19 April 1996)
Things could be worse. My home company is busy entering wrestling
tournaments held at phone companies, trying to evict crazy basement
dwellers from office parks, and holding interviews at fast-food
sub shops. (14 May 1996)
Wherein it is revealed just how desperate things were,
the last time the universes merged.
The Amazons Mobilize.
I go home from DuoPolarity again, and I could really use a rest... but I land in the wrong place. Right year (1996), right town (East Douglas, Massachusetts)... wrong universe.
My key doesn't work in the condo door. My car is nowhere around. I walk to the local bank, but my bank card gets rejected. So I don't have a lot of options here.
I wind up in the woods, by the local river. And it's pissing down rain. I'm just about mentally psyched to die.
But then, a youngish woman finds me in the woods, and offers me shelter. She says, the Amazons left one woman behind to look for me. Whatever. Good thing there are Amazons around when you need them.
According to this woman's story, the Amazons are mobilizing to prevent worldwide flooding. Thor's there too, but fat lot of good he does. Whatever.
Still, it's a good place to spend a couple of days. The lady has a couple of children (well-behaved, thankfully), but no husband; she's a cancer widow. I don't think I'd like to stay around forever, but it surely beats sleeping in the woods.
(16 June 1996)
The Long Way Home. When Vesper walks among
the living, he works with Patty Abdol
the famous pop star. I hate it when they get me thrown off the plane.
Champion of Death.
As happens too often, I wake up somewhere other than where
I went to sleep. I'm feeling heavy.
Oh, and Vara Hosea is there
too. She's the famous piano rock star -- the one who learned to
play piano in a Baptist church, who to this day gives concerts
with just her and her piano.
She's touchy, as if she was rousted from her bed too. So she
takes jabs at me. It seems she knows self-defense from somewhere.
It's a good thing I do too.
So, we wind up face down on the floor (me on top, good thing),
panting for breath -- at which time Vesper
and his sidekick Patty Abdol enter.
Yes, I know both of them.
- We've met,
but she apparently doesn't remember me from any other bozo who
ran a venue for her on the road.
- I've met her again since then;
she's even invited me to call her Vara. But she doesn't know
about this; it's one of those time travel things. Doesn't that just figure.
Apparently he thinks the pianist has some kind of special
connection with Death. Anyway, he announces a duel with Ms. Hosea
to become the True Champion of Death, whatever that is. I'm Ms.
Hosea's second, while Ms. Abdol is Vesper's. Not like I have any
choice in the matter. Oh, and we're fighting in double gravity,
like "true warriors."
So Ms. Abdol sets out to trash me. She's been training in
double gravity, so she easily topples me and lands heavily on
my chest. Ouch.
However, it's a battle of psyches too. By her own admission, my
psyche scarred her once. It's only gotten stronger since then.
So I turn it loose. It says...
"You think me corrupting? You think me weak? I have grown,
and you seem much the same. I have walked among the dead - again.
And this time I know the way back. I have
stormed Olympus - again.
And this time I won. And you have nursed your fading
career and removed your ribs to look thinner."
This gives her pause, long enough for me to look around in
the real world. Where I find Ms. Hosea's self defense has lasted
roughly one second against Vesper. He looms above her now.
But this is a spiritual battle too. Why not for them? I extend
the "spiritual" aura toward them. With no resistance
from Ms. Abdol; in fact, it feels like she helps. And Vesper jumps
back. It seems he has a secret dread of life or something. There's
a big silver dragon coiling over him now.
He collapses on the floor. The dragon disappears. Vara Hosea
stumbles over to him and assumes the victor's position.
I go look, as Ms. Abdol (who's fallen off me by now) hangs
back. And Vesper jumps up and grabs me and Vara, hoisting us by our necks.
"No! It does not end until Death! She comes for you now!
See her cloaked beauty!" I see a raven-like figure with air
fleets of flying crosses coming out from her wings. (For what
it's worth, Vara says she saw an anorexic white-skinned teenage
girl in tights.)
"You, pretender, will see your companion die before I
send you to Death myself!" He breaks my neck.
I met Ms. Abdol when this weird
kid plucked us from our universe into another one based on both
our psyches. (If he's done the same thing since, it might explain
some missing heroes.) It seems she blames my psyche for the way
her career went bust since then.
- As for Vesper, for some reason
he took an interest in me after I showed up in an afterlife he
was running. I've been a long time away from home now, and a lot
of it is his fault -- and Ms. Abdol's, since he recruited her.
Hey, that was pretty easy with the right tools. I wonder if Thor
or anyone else ever thought of just shutting down the villain's
brain waves with their control over electricity?
But Death itself is still there. It walks up to the frozen
villain... and shoves him over, then places its hands on Vara's
shoulders, then leaves. And I don't know from where, but I can
I look at Ms. Abdol. "Is this fight over?" She nods.
"Well, Ms. Hosea, it looks like you won. No prize, apparently,
except I have some mystic power I can give. But you'll have to
share it with her", pointing at the other woman.
Ms. Abdol says, "No, take it all."
- ... No, he doesn't. The Thorpower!
- He says, "What?"
- I say, "This." And I call down the lightning.
- "I still stand! Your pitiful attempt only - "
- "Shutdown Now." I send the lightning up what passes
for his nostrils. And he freezes and turns to stone. Vara and
I squirm out of his grasp.
Postlude: We're on a ship of Vesper. Why a self-professed Angel of
Death needs a ship, I don't know, but it has good teleportation
facilities. Ms. Abdol operates them to send Vara home. I watch
to see that it's fairly done, then leave myself.
I'm not home, but I'm poolside on a sunny day with cool beverages
nearby, and some people I work with (Ted and Ingrid) are there.
Thor, Death, and Amazons are public
domain, as long as they don't look like major comic book versions
of themselves. And they don't. How about that.
Ellipsis, Scudbuster, DuoPolarity,
DuoPolarity of Boston, and Vesper
are copyright © 2004 by Eiler Technical Enterprises.
And all the real people in this document, including
me, are really celebrity impersonators. I'm really a guy named
Wyatt Ferguson. So there.