January 2, 2005

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This Month's Other Stories:

Phone Company Can Decrypt Love Letters

Christian Fundamentalists Train Their Kids in Science

Why Alexander the Great Didn't Invade Italy

Broadcast Radio Has Secret TV Shows Encoded Inside

Shaft, the Animated Series

Iron Fist, the Movie

Frank Zappa Lives - as a Schoolteacher

Related Stories From Our Archives:

Death Hero Intervenes in Argentine Death Fight

United Nations Time Machines on a Mission

Counterattack! Will the Universal Blockade Fall?

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The World Journal Monthly has exclusive rights to the diary of "D", the Hero of Death! We now present one of "D's" diary entries, which answers some questions about where he's been for the last few months... and where he might be going.

Our hero went missing in October 2004!

Ultimate Me

The Lost Months

Hey, what happened? It's like I can't find half my life anymore!
I used to go to school at Little City near Chicago. But they did lots of stupid unimportant stuff, like school always does. And I'm old enough not to be in school if I don't have to.
Stephen Wolcott, a.k.a. Ellipsis, has been blockading our universe! "D" was with him!
They told me I should get a job at the supermarket. But I got a better job - with Mr. Wolcott - in Greenland!
Mommy always told me I'm special. Mr. Wolcott knows it too. He told me, he needed my help for a special job, to help keep some evil people in prison. And I just have to do the special stuff - when people let me.
So I went to Greenland with him. That's where he works. And I helped him set up a really big prison. He said it was as big as a universe! That way, nobody would know they were in prison, and they'd all be happy.
Greenland was okay. It's cold and dark, but people treated me like I was special. And they have lots of video games. So that's cool.
"D" gets his powers from being an Agent of Death!
But then Death had a job for me, so I had to turn into "D" and leave! I had to go to Asia, where they had a typhoon or a tsunami or something, so there were a lot of people who had to die. And it's my special job to help bring them to Death, because otherwise they live screaming, or wander around and become ghosts, or something.
"D" was in Southeast Asia, harvesting souls for Death from the tsunami!
Death was better than life for most of the people I found. They said they lived in huts, and went potty in the street. Now they're dead, so potty isn't a problem.
The other dead people were snooty yuppies who came all the way to Asia on vacation just because they could. They were annoyed because floods weren't in the vacation plan. The smart people all saw the tide go way out first, and they ran. But the dead people just thought it was strange local stuff. Some people just have to die to learn anything.
But there were a lot of people who had to find Death. I spent about a week finding them all. I think they liked having someone around to guide them.
Death is cool, but I was tired. And I missed New Year's Eve. So when the job was done, I went home to Greenland. But nobody was home!
Without knowing it, "D" had come back to our own world!
It was January, so the town was covered in snow. And it was Sunday, so the town was shut down like always on Sundays. And my dorm was locked, and my key wouldn't work! And I was dressed for the tropics, and I didn't have any powers handy that would let me survive the cold! I started knocking on people's doors, but nobody was home!
So I went to the hospital. It's got sick people in it and it's boring, but at least it's warm. But it was closed! The sign on the door said, "Staff on duty in Tsunami Relief effort. Please go to clinic at airport for emergency cases." And the clinic was five miles away!
"Yopp" is how the Whos made themselves heard from Whoville in the Dr. Seuss story, "Horton Hears a Who"!
I tried to break a window and get inside, but they make the windows really strong where I live, so the police wouldn't even come pick me up. It sucked!
So I said, "Yopp!" It's a Magic Word, from my favorite story about Horton the Elephant. And it got me somewhere else - inside and warm!
Probably Ellipsis was mentally sending all visitors home - to maintain the blockade!
But then something made me walk down a hallway and through a magic door - and there I was, back outside in Greenland! It sucked!
But at least I had my diary handy, so I can put in one more adventure journal. But it looks like the last one. The next call I make, is going to Death.
I love you, Mommy, wherever you are.

The journal of "D" was found in a snowdrift in Kellyville, Greenland on Monday, January 3, 2005, preserved in a Ziploc bag. There was no sign of any human body outdoors.

The World Journal Monthly will of course provide more journal entries for "D", the Hero of Death, as they come in... but we're not sure they will.

Special to the World Journal Monthly by Stanley T. Levitz

In memory of Joe Szakas, who, like Stanley T. Levitz, went missing on appeal to Death that month.

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