Legion of Net.Heroes
Clueless Lad in the Legion of Net.Heroes: Nudist Man The Kiwis The Great Catastrophe
Horrible Name Lad and Poignant Death Lass: Stay Dead! Don't Stay Dead! Not Dead!
The Devil Legion: (Satan Wants His Spine Back! SW10 LNH) Devil Missionaries from Planet Hell Devil Dog
Brought to you by the stories of Eilertech.com .


Doctor Fatima "Fay" Tarif went into her office. In her inbox, she saw a small cardboard carton.

She considered just opening it. But she'd worked with police and superheroes before, so she knew that opening packages from strangers was a bad idea without some protection. So first she fetched a special protective vest she'd invented.

The carton wrapped an ornate box, with an envelope inside. She opened it.

The vest didn't save her.


Like Dr. Fay, a man known as The Gastroenterologist went into his office. The difference was, his office was at the End of Time. He had to make sure the Universe expelled everything just right at the end, or there would be debris that might enter the next universe and grow up to be a Universal Destroyer or something.

In his inbox, he saw a small cardboard carton. It had an ornate box, with an envelope inside.

He said, "I suppose this is the time." He reached for one of his devices, and then opened the envelope.


The Crossover Queen opened the ornate gift box, and looked with disdain. "Who put a dick in this box?"

"Excuse me, your Majesty?"

"I beg your own pardon, Chamberlain. I merely jested. There is no dick in this box. It is worse. It is an invitation to the RACCies."

"Could you simply not open the invitation, my Queen?"

"It is not that simple. If I do not take this challenge, others will get the invitation and go in my place." She opened the envelope.


They all landed in seats, in a stadium. A stage was set up in the middle, Super Bowl style. Lights came up over the stage.

o o o o o o o
o o o The 2013 o o o
o o o o -->(*20TH Annual)<-- o o o o
o o o RACCie AWARDS! o o o
o o o o o o o

Loudspeakers said, "Welcome to the best amateur comics awards on the Internet - or at least the oldest! THESE ARE THE TWENTIETH ANNUAL RACCIES! This year, the world is watching! Or if not this year, next year!" There was wild clapping.

"We greet the world with our Parade of Champions!" Opera music flourished, alongside electric guitars. Little Nemo himself floated above the stadium, and ballet dancers danced on the sidelines, while garish floats drove through. Characters rode the floats. Or at least their lookalikes did.

1994: [LNH] Legion of Occult Heroes (Favorite Series!)

1995: [LNH] Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy (Favorite Series!)

1996: [LNH] Dvandom Force (Favorite Series!)

1997: [MISC] Guttertrash (Favorite Series! Also 1999!)

1998: [Omega] Tempest (Favorite Series!)

1999: [ASH] STRAFE #6-12, "The Slow Burn" & "Bonfire of the Vanities" (Favorite Arc!)

2000: [LNH] Easily-Discovered Man (Favorite Series! Also 2002, 2004, 2006, 2007!)

2001: [LNH] Limp-Asparagus Lad (Favorite Series! Also 2003!)

2002: [ASH] ASH #37-41: City of Lights (Favorite Arc!)

2003: [LNH] Net.Heroes on Parade (Tied with Limp-Asparagus Lad for Favorite Series!)

2004: [LNH] The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation (Tied with Easily-Discovered Man for Favorite Series!)

2005: [LNH] Another tie! Alt.Riders and Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 (Favorite Series!)

2006: [LNH] WikiBoy (Favorite Character!)

2007: [ASH] Lady Lawful and Doctor Developer (Tied with Easily-Discovered Man for Favorite Series!)

2008: [8FOLD} Jolt City (Favorite Ongoing Series!)

2009: [LNH] Digital JUMP! (Favorite Ongoing Series!)

2010: [MISC] Spellbinder (Favorite Ongoing Series!)

2011: [MV] The Super Wizard from Space (Favorite Ongoing Series!)

2012: [MISC] Correspondence from the Goddess (Favorite Ongoing Series!)


The loudspeaker spoke again. "That brings us to 2013! To start the ceremony, we bring in... A Writer!" The audience gasped.

A flashing portal opened onto the stage. A battered yellow taxi crashed through. A Creature stepped out of it, passed a bill back inside, and said, "Thanks, Ron." He resembled a bearded man in a hat and a trenchcoat, only with more dimensions somehow.

A greater universe EXISTED behind him, through the portal. It CRUSHED and CRUNCHED and CRACKED, as though it would come CRASHING in at any SECOND, as though the little marks in the flow of TIME mattered to it...

"Hey! STOP that!" The man looked back at the universe. "We're GUESTS here!"

The universe SUBSIDED.

"... Thank you. That's better. Now... I hear you revere The Writers! Last year, the RACCies sent a delegation to us! This year, I'm returning the visit! I am a Writer, Scott Eiler! You may recognize me from the award-winning Superhuman World, and the almost award-winning Powernaut!" The Writer waited for cheering. He heard none. Awkwardly, he continued.

"... Anyway, I'm just here to introduce someone you already know and love! Here comes... the CHUGGERNAUT!"

A beer train burst through the gates of the stadium. Cold flakes flew off it. It docked at the stage. A muscular man with a cape stepped out and yelled, "I AM THE CHUGGERNAUT! THESE ARE THE RACCIES! THESE ARE THE TWENTIETH RACCIES! LET'S PARTYYYY!!! THE DRINKS ARE ON CHUGG BEER!!!"

The crowd went wild. The Jumbotron showed Lydia and Elana Devin opening 24-ounce cans of Chugg Beer and unfastening buttons on their blouses. The camera cut to show Emperor M of the Mummy Machines extending a bottle opener for Queen Buzzz of the Killer Beezz to use. Then Pope Lizardsaurus enjoyed a can of Chugg, without even moving. Montage shots showed the Ultimate Ninja, Martin Rock, Ellipsis, and several others in turn - each opening an obviously-cold can of Chugg with relish. Even Chevalier's mouse sidekick Tom-Tom was perched on the side of a can of Chugg, drinking with a straw. A voiceover murmured beneath Tom-Tom, "chugg is not for juvenile mice. please drink responsibly."

In the stands, the Crossover Queen spoke disdainfully. "I know Crossovers. This is no Crossover. This is a Parody."

On the stage, the Chuggernaut continued. "I Know Some Of You Think This Is a Parody! But THIS IS A CROSSOVER! AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS!"


On the Jumbotron...

A man snuggles next to a woman on a sofa, as they watch something exciting on TV. The woman cheers. A deep male voice comments, "You know what she wants from you. Why not satisfy her - by winning a RACCie Award? Anyone can!" The logo of the 20th Annual RACCies comes up, as a sultry female voice says, "Women can win RACCies too!"

A little white girl says, "My mommy works for the RACCies!" A black woman in a smock appears on screen. "She makes planes that fly, and light bulbs that shine underwater, and, uh, everything! And my other mommy makes the best pies! Yay for the RACCies!" The logo of the Church of the Fourth Wall appeared.

An excerpt from interview with President Barracks Boatman: "This is not to disparage our allies in Germany.de, Canada.ca, Alt.stralia, Net.Zealand, and throughout the world. But I'm confident for the 2013 awards the Use.Netted States of Ame.rec.a will field the best RACCies team ever."

A big horse nuzzles up to a service dog, next to a grave. Children strew flowers. A caption says, "Chugg Supports Our Veterans. And the RACCies."

A news item: "A man boarded a plane for the RACCies today, and said he had a bomb. He then disappeared - and reappeared directly into a Turkish prison. The best guess is, a superhuman on board the plane deposited him there directly... Well, yay for the RACCies!"

In several languages, with subtitles, to the tune of "We Are The World": "We are the world! We are the RACCies! We are the special spirit of imagination!" At the end was the Jolt City Cola logo.

And the Jumbotron went on. And on. And on.


The Crossover Queen did not have a special seat in the stands. Instead, she was among an entire section of people chugging Chugg Beer. She was getting very annoyed... "These announcements are endless! I require a true Crossover to end them!"

She looked through the stands. "That one. And that one."

She shifted out from her seat. And they shifted out from theirs.


Dr. Fay entered a special spectator box, alongside an apparent medical doctor and a Disney-looking evil queen. Inside the box were a buxom woman in revealing red leather, and a fat guy in purple jeans and turtleneck sweater plus orange tunic.

The Crossover Queen said to the other woman, "You seem familiar. But in any case, let us fully introduce ourselves before we resolve our issue. I am Queen H'yddee'ho of the Planet H'yddee'uzzz. But you may address me as the Crossover Queen."

"Indeed. I am now Vector Social Network, but I hold the title of Crime Empress. And yes, I am holding the RACCies hostage. The Chuggernaut works for me now. So do the networks. They will continue to show commercials until I tell them to cease." She pointed at a button.

"Well then. We of course know the button is keyed to your bio-signature and your verbal commands. Or whatever. So we shan't try to override them yet... What are your demands?"

"I insist on reviewing the judges' decisions before awards are issued. I believe that as a longstanding character of a major series and as a commander of other such characters, I have a proper interest. Any other continuum would have put me into a secret cabal by now to determine the fate of worlds."

"Oh, just you?", retorted the Crossover Queen.

The two villainesses glowered at each other - until Dr. Fay interrupted. She pointed at the fat man. "Enough about you two. What about him?"

The Crossover Queen said to the Crime Empress, "I apologize for my underling. We shall of course reveal our minion identities in due course."

Dr. Fay erupted. "Underling?!? Minion?!?"

The Gastroenterologist touched Dr. Fay lightly on the arm. "Doctors are often minions. Trust me on this one."

Dr. Fay shrugged, and turned to the Crime Empress. "Oh, please pardon me, Empress of All The Universes. You did say you were an Empress, right?"

"Ah, you flatter. Please continue."

"Whatever... Wonderful Empress, who might be your companion?" Dr. Fay pointed again at the fat guy.

"Why, I have found a minion with the full power of one of those endless Superman avatars, and none of their self-esteem. Hence he is my slave now. Behold, the Losernaut!"

The Losernaut looked over at the Crime Empress. "Slave? But Empress, you promised I was a hero!"

"Of course you are a hero, my slave... err, my hero. Now, subdue these visitors."

"Yes, Empress. How about this one first?" He pointed at Dr. Fay.


As the fat man lunged at her, Dr. Fay turned her protective vest on. The Losernaut tripped right through her, as she phased halfway out of reality.

The Gastroenterologist smiled. Then he turned to the Losernaut and spoke. "In my professional opinion, you are clogging the continuum." He raised a Kirby Device.

The Losernaut disappeared in a hail of Kirby Dots.

Dr. Fay gasped. "He was harmless! You really just destroyed him?"

"No, but I did reduce him to his core concept. If his home universe ever needs him again, it shall have him." Then he turned to the Crime Empress. "But you shall not."

The Crime Empress raised her own two-pronged device, and pointed it at Dr. Fay and the Gastroenterologist - while yelling at the Crossover Queen. "Is that so? If I cannot have a super-powered minion on the Night of the RACCies, no one shall!"

Dr. Fay said, "You seem awfully fixated on these RACCies. Is this all just because you wanted an award?"

The Crime Empress said, "But of course! Awards are status!"

"All right then! I award you... uh, Villainess Most Likely to Make a Comeback in the RACCies!"

"Aww..." Tears came to the Crime Empress's eyes. "That's what it's all about!"

The Crossover Queen yelled, "What about me?"

"Runner-up! Now shut up!"

The Gastroenterologist spoke to the Crime Empress. "If this drama is complete, do I have your permission to press that button to get things moving again?"

"Aww, that's the least I can do. Be my guest... System Override, New Input!"

The Gastroenterologist pressed the button.

Nothing happened, at least in the room.

Dr. Fay and the Crossover Queen both exclaimed, "What just happened?" Then they looked at each other.

The Crime Empress smirked. "Why, the RACCies just restarted. In fact, your friend pressed the button hard enough to fast-forward through all the awards! I hope you two weren't planning on accepting any..."

The others looked at the Gastroenterologist. He shrugged and said, "My Cosmic Bowel-Clearing Sense must have subconsciously told me to do this."

Dr. Fay smirked and said, "I'm glad I'm not that kind of doctor."

"Oh, enough," said the Crime Empress. "Minions, you have earned the right to accompany me back to the ceremony."

"Minions?!?... Oh, just get me out of here."

"My pleasure, Minion Doctor Gastroenterologist and Minion Doctor Tarif."


The three were back in the stadium - together, at field side. A display was scrolling up - and wrapping around to repeat.


Lady Lawful and Doctor Developer
Ripping Off King Arthur
The Super Wizard From Space
and five runners-up: ASH, Cover Gallery, Godling, LNH v2, and One-Page Giant!

RACC3: FAVORITE MINI-SERIES: Lady Lawful and Doctor Developer: Chore Bored!

RACC4: FAVORITE ARC: Secret History of the Seven Cosmic Crowns!



RACC7: FAVORITE VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST: Emperor M! Runners-Up: Plummet and Rippy Offy!

RACC8: FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER: Fred the Receptionist! Runner-Up: Elana Devin!

RACC9: FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER: Non-Judgmental Agnostic! Runners-Up: The Drop Bear and Rippy Offy!


RACC11: FAVORITE ACTION/ADVENTURE: The Super Wizard From Space! Runner-Up: ASH!

RACC12: FAVORITE DRAMA/ACRAPHOBE: Correspondence from the Goddess! Runner-Up: Ripping Off King Arthur!

RACC13: FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE: Kid Review's Roundup!



RACC16: BEST DISCUSSION: Godling Reboot!

RACC17: FAVORITE RUNNING GAG: Explain-the-Joke Lass! Runners-Up: Giant Pope Lizardsaurus Clip Art and Women Saying "Oh!" in Powernaut

RACC18: MOST IMPROVED WRITER: TIE - Wil Alambre and Arthur Spitzer! Runners-Up: Jochem Vandersteen and Andrew Perron!


RACC20: FAVORITE NEW TITLE: Ripping Off King Arthur! Runner-Up: Cover Gallery!

Doctor Stomper Bronze Boot: Resource: Electric Cars!

Rabbit-Breeder's Cup: Scott Eiler!

Johnny Sokko Loving Cup: Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes! Runners-Up: Ben Rawluk and Mitchell Crouch!

Spider Spins: The LNH Wiki!


The awards had apparently been awarded faster than people could get to the stage to accept them! The Chuggernaut had left. Doctor Developer (wearing a jetpack) has apparently beaten Easily Discovered Man Lite and all the others to the stage, and was trying to sort the trophies out. With all the runners-up, that was no easy task - especially since he still had a can of Chugg beer nearby. But he still seemed relatively capable, as though he had an antidote. The Super Wizard From Space was floating above, also apparently antidoted - or else he'd just burned the effects off. He was waiting for his own awards and trying to keep order as drunken people from almost every RACC-affiliated universe crowded toward the podium.

The Crossover Queen said, "Dammit! I missed the award I should have won!"

The Gastroenterologist said, "Oh, move on. This too shall pass."

Dr. Fay chuckled.


Author's Notes:

I was inspired by the Winter Olympics and the Super Bowl this year. Hence the commercials and the parade. The commercials became important to the plot.

I see the award records through 2007 were tabulated by Arthur Spitzer, though I can find them under lnh.atwiki.com/page/RACCies , thanks. 2008 courtesy of the Usenet via Eyrie. 2009 courtesy of the Usenet via Freag.net. 2010 - 2012 come from my own records, because I don't throw old messages out.

I've continued the tradition of counting the runners-up: those entries which could have won if one voter had switched one vote between first and second place.


The RACCies are full of character cameo appearances; each such character is of course the intellectual property of its respective owner.

I restricted the adventurers to volunteers this year. I'd threatened to bring in other characters randomly and haphazardly. This year's awards are brought to you by the random haphazard number Zero. 8{D> We had these volunteers:

- Doctor Fatima Tarif (Dr. Fay) is used by permission of Tom Russell.

- The Gastroenterologist is used by permission of Andrew Perron.

- The Crossover Queen is used by permission by Adrian J. McClure.

- I volunteered the Losernaut, copyright 2014 by Eiler Technical Enterprises.

- The Chuggernaut is used by permission of Arthur Spitzer. Arthur had suggested him for last year. So he got the consolation prize: Master of Ceremonies!

As for villains: The Crime Empress is a character of Lalo Martins. Our RACCie tabulator Andrew Perron suggested her. I recall two villains were discussed, but I don't recall who the other one was because the Crime Empress worked out so well.

I love the tradition of "Night of the RACCies" stories. The awarding was kind of a mob scene this year, so I'd especially love to hear who tries to accept awards, and how drunk they are. I'll have my own award ceremony epilogue / Night of the RACCies prelude coming shortly.

I have to admit that for me, 2014 will be a RACCie-rebuilding year at best. But thanks for keeping me in mind. 8{D>

(signed) Scott Eiler

Epilogue: NIGHT OF THE RACCies: Powernaut! (Part One)

"Oh, Powernaut! It's so wonderful the future might give us awards for our work in 1962!"

"I knew you'd enjoy this ceremony, Paula... Ah, here comes a drink vendor."

Then the loudspeakers blasted. "THE DRINKS ARE ON CHUGG BEER!!!"

... An hour later, there hadn't been any awards. But the crowd didn't care.

Paula was waving a bottle around. "You say these awards are in the future?"

"Yes, Paula."

"Well, I love these future wine coolers!"

The Powernaut held a 24-ounce can of Chugg Malt Liquor. Three other cans were crumpled at his feet. "Oh, these are all right, but enough is enough. At least out in public. How about we go home?"

Then the crowd started yelling. The Jumbotron started fast fowarding.

The Powernaut used his Power-Vision to telescope on the stage. The "Chuggernaut" who was acting as Master of Ceremonies looked at the Jumbotron, threw his script in the air, and stomped away.

But Paula had Power-Vision too. She was using hers to read the Jumbotron. "Oh, Powernaut! We got an award! Women Saying 'Oh' in Powernaut! Let's go get it!"

Paula charged past the Powernaut toward the aisle. They were in the Nominee section, near the front of the bleachers. But other nominees were starting to read the Jumbotron and jam the aisles. The Powernaut knew they wouldn't hurt Paula - but she might hurt them.

(to be continued?)


Paula Power and the Powernaut are copyright 2014 by Eiler Technical Enterprises. Permission is hereby granted to use them in any story in this thread.


(insert crowd interaction)


Epilogue: NIGHT OF THE RACCies: Powernaut! (Part Two)

The Powernaut tugged Paula back. "Dear, let's try something." He rose slightly into the air. "Yes! I can fly on Earth! You probably can too!"

"Oh... Yes! I can!" Though Paula was wobbly, they moved through the air toward the stage.

But before them hovered the Powernaut's old enemy, friend, and rival, the Super Wizard from Space. "I bar you."

"Really? We shouldn't start a fight right now." The Powernaut looked down at the crowd. "This could be as bad as a soccer riot."

"Indeed. I do not know of soccer, but I know of riots. Do you really wish an award?"

The Powernaut silently pointed at Paula. She was drifting toward the stage while he tugged her back.

The Super Wizard lowered his voice. "Ah. I believe I've seen your lady before." (Night of the RACCies 2011!) "Please let me loan you this then." He pulled a RACCie award from a surprisingly small pouch, and handed it to the surprised Powernaut. "Take your time, but please return this when she has her own trophy."

"You carry your trophies with you?"

"Of course. None shall ever break in my home again to get them." (RACCies Award Ceremony 2012!)

"Okay. But you'd give this up even briefly?"

"I would. I feel I have to guard awards, but I am near-fatally sick of them. Guard this for me, my ally. I must go." The Super Wizard darted to float above another corner of the stage.

The Powernaut whispered... "Thank you." Then he raised his voice. "Paula! Here's your award!"

"Oh, but it's our award, my dear!"

"It's everyone's award. More than you know."


The Super Wizard from Space is a character of Wil Alambre. He is used here without permission, under the understanding that his adventures at the RACCies are not binding upon his own stories.

Paula Power and the Powernaut are copyright 2014 by Eiler Technical Enterprises.

Various characters in this fiction have of course been created by various people. But you may rely that Clueless Lad and Ensign Bodybag are copyright © 2012 by Eiler Technical Enterprises.