Audience Participation Volunteers... Hmmmm! For Presenter, how about Ms. Telemachus, from Tales From Ohio Academy #1? And then for the Security Force... Brass Team Alpha, the pilots of the clockwork giant robot Yojimbo Vermillion, from Looniverse Chronicles #4. - Andrew P. I think Quasha and/or Danalee might be uniquely suited for such a task. - Tom R. Oh my. I think I'm going to have to send Zenobia. - Scott Ultimate Mercenary, on the (potentially reality altering) flute. - Adrian ... Ms. Telemachus: Skylar looked up. The teacher was there behind the podium. She had a long, wise-looking face, in the way of teachers. Her hair frizzed out like a dandelion around her head; with the light from the window shining through it, it seemed like a halo. "Hello, class," she said, with a musical lilt. "My name is Ms. Telemachus." She stepped to the side; the name had already been hanging there on the whiteboard, unnoticed. "You've all been to the assembly at the beginning of the year," she said, spinning nimbly about, "so you know how the school works. Let me tell you how I work." "For homeroom, the main thing is to show up and be counted! If you don't, well, there are supposed to be disciplinary actions, but..." She shrugged. "It seems to me that it's more important to get the clues I'll be giving out to the treasure hunt at the end of the year." Skylar could tell that Ms. Telemachus was trying to be a Cool Teacher, to make it sound like her classroom was going to be fun every day. It was such an obvious trick. ... The boy next to him threw up his hands. "Man, back off! I don't know why you can't take a joke!" "YEAH?" The green kid stood up. "WHY DON'T YOU TELL A JOKE TO--" And then Ms. Telemachus was there. "Excuse me, gentlemen." She looked at them. Didn't *do* anything, as far as Skylar could tell. Just, quietly... looked at them. The other boy turned away. "sorry. shouldn't've said it." The green kid turned away. "i 'cept your apology." Ms. Telemachus clapped her hands. "Excellent! Back to the music, then..." ... Brass Team Alpha... "Of course, a machine like this comes with its own problems. Specifically, it is so complex that it needs not one, not two, but five pilots, working in perfect synchronization." She swept her hand out. "I present to you: Brass Team Alpha." A spotlight illuminated five people standing next to her on the platform, in dark green suits of space-age polymer. The young lady furthest to the left stepped out first. She was short, compact, peaches- and-cream complexion with bright red hair and freckles. "Exie Gudrun, close quarters combat specialist!" A woman strode forward, rounded and bronze and confident. "Floy Vonholt, tactical genius!" A tall man walked up to the front, the lights shining off East Asian skin. He idly fingered his suit with artificial fingers, as Ms. Morningstar announced, "Alpha Brown, clockpunk technical systems specialist!" Another dude sauntered forward. Tossing his mane of blond hair, he waved a tanned, calloused hand. "Ransom Speculoos, nanocybernetic biology specialist!" Finally, a wide, muscular woman with perfect teeth, even skin like a walnut tree, and piercing eyes stepped out. She crossed her arms and gave her audience a smoldering look. "And Vester Lockrem, project leader!" "Using the Tactile Wired Information Tactical Channeling Heuristic System, these five will act as one. We will stop Runcible. And we will SIGTERM the apocalypse!" ... "Open your eyes," said Vester. "We are five, and we are one. We all know our roles. We are nervous, but we are strong, and well-trained, and ready. Apart, we are specialists; together, we are a single unit with every skill needed to succeed. We are five, and we are one." Four people let their breath out as one. "Good speech!" shouted Exie, waving Yojimbo Vermillion's hand. "...thank you, Exie. Now, let's do something foolishly brave!" ... "VICTORY PIZZA!" they shouted, and Yojimbo Vermillion trooped back to civilization. ... Quasha and Danalee... Quasha is a mountain, a warrior. Ress is but a slender whisper. There's a reason why Ress's weapons of choice are manipulation and murder. She would not last even a single breath fighting anything straight on. After trying the weapon, Quasha looked as if she would spend the week recovering. What will it do to Ress? Quasha the Oathbreaker idly smashes the last embers of the fire with Thirteen. Or at least she pretends to. Damn stupid thing, standing there pretending she doesn't see the Titanian drawing near. "I am terrible bait," she had told Danalee during the small hours. "You're also terrible at sneaking," Danalee had said. "Worse at sneaking. Much worse at sneaking. One of us has to be bait, and one of us has to sneak, and as there's just the two of us, you're the bait." Danalee the assassin affords herself a thin smile. The Titanian's coolant system isn't the only thing malfunctioning. Her cloaker is on the fritz, too. Serviceable in the shadows, but here, in the light of the dawn, she's as obvious as Quasha. Danalee has never needed a cloaker to be hidden. She has ever relied upon her own skill. Not that she would mind a cloaker of her own; she'll take every advantage she can, thank you very much. It'd be foolish not to. Life is the word. That much she and Nerrine have ever agreed upon. Still. Danalee has never relied on anything other than herself. Quasha has Thirteen, and Jarissy had her lucky cudgel. But as Danalee has often said, any blade in her hand becomes her dagger, Dart; any beam is fired from her Arrow. It is not the weapon. Not the tech. It is the skill that matters. It is Danalee. ... A hybrid race from the red planet, the Daughters of Mars in many ways resemble female homo sapiens, with the same secondary sexual characteristics. Their skin colour varies from a light pink to dark reddish-brown, though they make no societal distinctions based on skin color. Black hair predominates, though some, such as Nerrine, have blonde hair. Ress's hair is shock white. These exceedingly rare hair colors are considered more sexually attractive. All Martian eyes are yellow, and can glow in the dark. Warriors are trained to modulate the glow of their eyes. Eye-glow can be used to add emphasis and tone to what is being communicated verbally. Stress and exhaustion can, as in Kellin's case in this story, make the eyes quite pale and inexpressive. Interesting, as established in JOURNEY INTO # 12, Ress isn't able to modulate her eye-glow with any particularly finesse, and so she finds other ways to get her meaning across. The Daughters are slightly taller than homo sapiens-- average height is between six and seven feet tall. Though the Daughters are sterile from birth, they have the same reproductive organs as their parent species, which were also single-gendered. These reproductive organs and processes would of course differ from ours but that sort of thing is outside the purview of this series. As established in the previous Orphans adventure, the Daughters of Mars have two throats-- that is, too narrow esophaguses within a single neck. Both lead to the same stomach, and there are no other duplicate organs, and so even to the Martians the reasons for the dual tubes is a mystery. ... These (plus Zenobia) are the volunteers. The Security Forces all come with extra resources. It's safe to assume much of Zenobia's modern sisterhood plus all the Orphans of Mars are roaming the venue. And the venue is probably a giant robot which Brass Team Alpha can inhabit. The Brass Team has of course set up communicators with translators. And I'm conscripting Vaso the Super Wizard who Weaponized a Moon too. So the security team is massively prepared. And that's kind of the point. Their opposition this year will be no more threatening than kids with cans of spraypaint. Or maybe rocks or illicit cigarettes or Mountain Dew, to keep things topical. ... As for the presenters, they will be conscripted randomly and haphazardly from the participants of RACC within the award period. The fair thing to do is, take any who amuses the Writer, shows up in posts within the past year, and is not a nominee. So: - Scott: probably Bneezl the Saucer Alien (08), and maybe the Super-Savior too (04) because he is safely not nominated for anything, but I think he will yield to Jet Age Pigeon - Andrew P: we already have Ms. Telemachus (07), plus I think we need the hamsterphone from Junior Spies 2000 (15) - Tom: Tina Wazowie (13), who at least hangs out with people with freeze powers - Dave: Charlie (Charon) the Cabbie (Of DEATH) (17) - Saxon: The Sphinx, yes the real one, inhabited by who-knows-what (24) - Rob: the villainous Sea Quester, armed with Twinkies (04) - Arthur: oh, how about Tanza Late's kinky roommate Salsa (02) - "April": Mary McLean who has seen Jesus (01) - Joachim: gotta be Octo-Boy's mom (05) - Russ: it can only be FAQ Boy (09) - Dee and Monique: one of them pirates (11) - Adrian: Dr. Tune-On-Turn-In-Drop-Out, a shaggy bearded man in colorful robes that hadn't been washed in quite a while, heavy with the scent of incense and other substances. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that one isn't nominated. (06) - Mitchell: The White Boomer (who is silent; oh what fun for an awards ceremony) (10) - Wil: I think a certain nameless woman from the new Monster Bee planet gets to be a presenter (22), and Vaso the Super Wizard who Weaponized a Moon gets to join the Security Force - James M: the Weird Person who recruited the Great Alice (16) - David Melik: Marian the sword-warrior and Rendar the wolf, because a visit to RACC counts too (19) - Colin: the Guardian of Paragon City (03) ... heh. That's at least seventeen presenters, which nearly matches the number of awards. Order is probably not important; I'll start by assigning presenters randomly to awards 1 through 25. I'll fill the other award slots by picking characters who appeared on random dates... whoops, that tends to slant the presentations toward my characters and Dee's. Oh well, I can tweak it. Naturally there must be a Master of Ceremonies. I claim the privilege of that assignment. By random selection, and skipping odd and obscure choices such as Reticent and Johnny Rotten, I arrive at... Philippe St. Joseph Lateran! However, Gjsllar Johanssen a.k.a. Imperilus the Exterminating Son will be playing the opening ceremony, with the other two in his backing band! Oh I Love R, Oh I Love R-A, Oh Yes I'm Loving R-A-C-C-I-E-S, And My H-E-A-R-T Is Filled With R-A-C-C-I-E-S And I Am Gonna Host the R-A-C-C-I-E-S! Oh Yes It's R, And Now It's R-A, And Now It's %@&!ing R-A-C-C-I-E-S... ! Imperilus will be taking over, because Lateran got the assignment but everyone knows he's just a prick. Awards will be presented in the sequence Minor, Writer, Major this year, and otherwise in numerical order: (MINOR) RACC14. FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE: (presented by Jet Age Pigeon) (MINOR) RACC17. BEST DISCUSSION: (presented by Charlie the Cabbie) (MINOR) RACC18. FAVORITE RUNNING GAG: (presented by Dark Kid Enthusiastic, wearing a faded black T-shirt with the words "Slaughter County Brewing Company" on it and and black pajama pants) (MINOR) THE DOCTOR STOMPER BRONZE BOOT FOR EXCELLENCE IN EXPOSITION: (presented by a nameless woman from Monster Bee World - and she'll be going right back there) (MINOR) THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD: (presented by Narok, King of Dragons, Destroyer of Heavens) (WRITER) RACC1. FAVORITE WRITER: (presented by Mary McLean) (WRITER) RACC16. FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC: (presented by The Great Alice's mysterious sponsor) (WRITER) RACC19. MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR: (presented by Marian and Rendar) (WRITER) RACC20. FAVORITE NEW WRITER: (presented by Li'l Steffi Brock) (WRITER) THE RABBIT-BREEDER'S CUP: (presented by Alistaire Smythe's butler Farnsworth) (WRITER) THE JOHNNY SOKKO "COME BACK, GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING CUP: (presented by The Sphinx) (MAJOR) RACC2. FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES: (presented by Salsa) (MAJOR) RACC3. FAVORITE MINI-SERIES: (presented by the Guardian of Paragon City) (MAJOR) RACC4. FAVORITE ARC: (presented by the Sea Questor, and Twinkies) (MAJOR) RACC5. FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE: (presented by Octo-Boy's mom, FBI agent Marcia Tatum who obviously has awesome skills of observation) (MAJOR) RACC6. FAVORITE HERO/PROTAGONIST: (presented by Dr. Tune-On-Turn-In-Drop-Out, not to be mistaken for Powernaut 1968) (MAJOR) RACC7. FAVORITE VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST: (presented by Ms. Telemachus) (MAJOR) RACC8. FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER: (presented by Bneezl the Saucer Alien) (MAJOR) RACC9. FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER: (presented by FAQ Boy) (MAJOR) RACC10. FAVORITE TEAM/GROUP: (presented by The White Boomer) (MAJOR) RACC11. FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY: (presented by A Lazy Pirate Who Got Beat Up By A Mouse) (MAJOR) RACC12. FAVORITE ACTION/ADVENTURE: (presented by the Penultimate Savior - Wears an all-covering ninja outfit covered in a field of white stars) (MAJOR) RACC13. FAVORITE DRAMA/ACRAPHOBE: (presented by Tina Wazowie) (MAJOR) RACC15. FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE: (presented by The Hamsterphone) (MAJOR) RACC21. FAVORITE NEW TITLE: (presented by a New Hekatoncheire robot guard from Godling's Tartarus II base)