The Restaurant Guide for Fancy Places
The following definitions of fancy restaurants were generated by posters to
the Usenet newsgroup alt.support.childfree during January 1999,
and occasionally thereafter. It all started
with the following statement, declared in all seriousness:
- At a fancy place, I only get up during the meal if there's a salad bar
or if I really need to use the restroom and missed doing that on the way in.
Note: Most fine restaurants (as opposed to Fancy Places) bring you the salad.
Eiler Technical Enterprises
If you like Fancy Places, you might like:
What to Expect from a Fancy Place
At a fancy place...
- There's a sneeze-guard on the salad bar. And real imitation bacon bits.
- They have a Build-Your-Own sundae bar as well.
- All-you-can-eat includes the food you stuff into your pockets or purse.
- The cute little candles on the tables come in handy for lighting cigarettes.
- They offer not to seat you next to the jukebox.
- The trays are made of real plastic.
- They say, 'Uh huh' when I say 'thank you'.
- The crayons are served to the right of my placemat.
- They offer a choice of the red or white wine they have on tap.
- They leave the wine bottle's screw cap next to my glass, for me to sniff.
- The wine doesn't come in a box with a spigot, but in a real glass bottle - with a fancy finger handle on the side.
- The waiter always reminds me that the "white zinfandel" won't be. Just to avoid those nasty surprises.
- The plastic cups don't have nasty sharp edges like real glass.
- The fries are compluhmentary.
- The Chihuahuas can talk!
- They serve drinks in a glass the size of a fishbowl, named after the restaurant's mascot. (Oh yeah, and I keep the glass too!)
- They spell "Crazy" in the title with a C, not a K.
- The high-chairs are made of genuine (pronounced "gen -you -WHINE") wood.
- When I drop my fork on the floor, the waiter wipes it off thorougly before he hands it back to me.
- The waitress wipes off the menu / placemat in between seatings.
- They don't just show sports on the TV sets in the bar, they have TV in the dining room too.
How to Act at a Fancy Place
At a fancy place, I...
- Fold my breadstick wrappers neatly.
- Wait until everyone has finished eating before I do the puzzles on my placemat.
- Pick my nose with my pinky.
- Pick my teeth with the salad fork instead of my fingernails.
- Put the plastic lid from my dessert tray in the bin.
- Take care in opening my sachet of tomato sauce.
- Avoid using my plastic coffee-stirrer to pick my teeth.
- Wipe my shitty shoes with my freebie paper hat before resting them on the table.
- Place my used paper napkin and plastic cutlery carefully in the bin when I've used them.
- Say 'Beg pardon' before publicly farting.
- Never fail to wipe my greasy lip-marks from the communal feeding trough!
- Wait quietly on the benches in the lobby until my name is called.
- Never buy more than one piece of gum from the Kiwanis machine in the lobby.
- Never swivel my barstool around and around.
- Take only one fork, spoon and knife from the baskets.
- Never make those disgusting sounds with my drinking straw.
- Wait until the meal is over before taking a mint from the basket next to the cash register.
- Always put my paper dishes, napkin and plastic utensils on the tray so that the waitperson can clear the table neatly after I've left!
- Keep my shoes on.
- Order the best wine in the house - Boone's - since if I'm going to be having a special night out, I want it to be really special.
- Sometimes ask the waitress for her paper hat, as a souvenir for the kids.
- Put the paper napkin ring (which always coordinates quite nicely with the paper napkin and paper placemat) and the straw wrapper discreetly in the ash tray and don't wad it up and play hockey with it.
- Refrain from using the pointy end of the paper umbrella for tooth-pickin'. That's what the little plastic swords are for.
- Tuck the marachino cherry's stem neatly under my crumpled napkin, instead of spitting it into the ashtray.
The Difference Between Fancy And Really Fancy Places
At a fancy place...
- They provide ice cubes to stir into my wine. At a really fancy place, the glass doesn't clink and disturb the other patrons when I do this, because it is made of impact-resistant plastic. At a really really fancy place, when the indoor bar which serves in glass is closed, the waitress goes to the outdoor bar to bring me a plastic cup for my beverage.
- I usually get the 'all you can eat' special. At a really fancy place, they say "All you care to eat" instead of "All you can eat."
- I put ketchup on the side of my fries, instead of over them. (And I dip them with my pinky out.) At a really fancy place, they already have the ketchup on the table - it saves me the effort of standing up and yelling "Hey, where's the ketchup?" at the waiter.
- I never ask for ketchup on my Salisbury Steak. At a really fancy place, I wipe the dribbles from the tomato-ketchup bottle when I've finished with it.
- I get the Kiddy Kombo in a doggy bag for Rex, who's tied out front. At a really fancy place, I always call it a "take out portion", not a "doggy bag".
- I save my fork 'cause there's pie. At a really fancy place, I never have the waitperson run through the entire list of pies again as a joke.
- I applaud quietly and discreetly when the staff sings Happy Birthday to someone at the top of their lungs. At a really fancy place, I compliment the waiter on having a lovely singing voice during his verse of 'Hippity Hoppity Hey! It's Somebody's Birthday Today!'
- The server writes his or her name on the bill so I know it. At a really fancy place, I always remember the waitperson's name, because I was told it as soon as I sat down. In a really really fancy place, I don't have to remember it, I just read it off the nametag.
- I always return the restroom key to the counterperson. At a really fancy place, the key to the bathroom ain't chained to the end of a two-by-four! Whoo-ee!
- They provide a plastic bib, complete with a picture of what you're eating. At a really fancy place, the waiter ties the bib on for you.
- The local residents fish in the river next to the restaurant, and yell "Yahoo!" when they catch a big one. At a really fancy place, they'll rent you a fishing pole so you can join them. At a really really fancy place, they'll cook what you catch.
Fancy Bars vs. Fancy Restaurants
It's a fancy bar, not a fancy restaurant, if...
- "Wheel of Fortune" is on the TV set over the bar.
- The burly gentleman who provides rapid exits to unruly,
inebriated patrons is named "Bruneaux."
- The bathroom doors lock.
- They serve both bottom and top shelf booze.
- The bowling game is tucked discretely by the back exit.
- The bartender asks you if you want ice in your wine.
- The bartender thoughtfully provides napkins with jokes
printed on them, freeing the patrons from the need to strain their brains
thinking of anything original.
- The Keno supplies are conveniently located on every table
and all along the bar, and the winning numbers are displayed on several
monitors at once so players don't have to crane their necks to see them.
- The men's room smells of mothballs instead of urine.
- The patrons rest their drinks on cardboard coasters instead of napkins.
- The bartender gives the lady visitors house money to put in the jukebox.
- The waitress gives you a choice of Bud or whiskey. If it's Canada,
she offers Export or whiskey.
- The ashtrays are metal instead of disposable tin foil.
- All the chairs match.
- The candles have plastic netting on them.
- The clocks are conveniently set fifteen minutes ahead so you have that extra time
to finish your beer at closing time. They say clocks like that are set on "bar time".
- They have bowls for the peanut shells, and do not
appreciate them on the floor. Unless you're in Texas, in which case
they have a cleaning boy on retainer to sweep the floors every half hour.
- Most of the wall decorations are provided courtesy of Miller Lite and Budweiser.
The non-Fancy Bars have wall decorations by Schlitz and Old Milwaukee.
The really fancy ones have Sam Adams and Pete's Wicked. And we
drink them with our pinkies extended.
- They fish the pickled eggs out of the jar for you. It's a really
fancy bar if they have both pickled eggs and pickled sausages.
- The police don't come in and arrest unsuspecting and totally
innocent folks on suspicion of soliciting prostitution just 'cause the police
are pinheaded morons who couldn't be rent-a-cops in a real city and they are
corrupt as hell and get off on pushing people around and have some sort of
hard-on against the bar owner and the whole thing doesn't get dropped until
some expensive lawyers get involved and the case gets some nasty publicity for
the cops and a few people make noises about getting "60 Minutes" and "Dateline
NBC" involved and -
Or so I hear fancy bars are like.
True Tales of Fancy Places
At a fancy place I was at...
- The men's room was labeled "Pissoir".
- They reminded their patrons of the Value Meal menu.
- The waitress sat down in my booth and said hello.
- They had a beer special where you get to keep the glass. I drank eight
pints, so I got to keep eight glasses.
- When the waitress had a story about a trucker who asked her what PMS is, she shared it with everyone.
- It was an outdoor cafe, and they gave me a paper napkin.
When the wind blew it away, I had to go catch it.
- When I ordered the jumbo hot dog, one of the other patrons told me
he'd seen horses with smaller penises than that.
- I ordered chili and the waitress told me all about how badly
beans interact with her husband's digestive system.
- The waitress told the people at the next table about her
- There was a delicious looking sundae in the display case,
but it wasn't melting. The waitress said she made it out of
Crisco in her spare time.
- The place was called, and this should have been a hint, "Dirtwater
Springs." Great little joint, heavy on the Apache Junction/Superstition Mountain
"atmosphere": farm implements on the porch, barstools made out of tractor seats, plows and scrubbing boards and cream separators and barbwire and dead animal heads all over the walls. One of those places where they cook your steak on a grill that looks like a reincarnated cattle guard, and make a big deal about how if a patron comes in wearing a necktie, they'll cut it off and nail it to the wall. At least we got out before the LIVE COUNTRY MUSIC EVERY NIGHT! started.
Fancy Places in the News
At a fancy place I read about...
- They make you sing for your dessert.
A unique feature of his restaurant, Hughes said, will be that any
child who eats there can win free dessert for his family simply
by standing on the bar and singing a song into a hand-held
- They use a "z" in the name wherever an "s" belongs. At a really
fancy place, they use "too" instead of "two". And pregnant women say "Pardon me" when their water breaks there.
(page long since deleted):
My delivery was awesome! My
mom's water broke around 3:00
pm on May 23 while eating
lunch at a restaurant called
Tomatoz with my Great Aunt
Barbara and my Grandma!
- They have lockers outside the door to stow your babies in.
At a really fancy place, the concierge stows your babies for you.
At a really, really fancy place, they will throw in a baked potato,
broil your baby to your liking, and recommend a wine to go with each course.
Parents Stow Baby In Locker, Go To Dinner
Updated 8:48 AM ET May 3, 1999
TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese couple left their five-month-old
baby girl in a coin locker Saturday while they went to eat a
late night snack of Chinese food, police said.
- They accept your children as collateral.
Saturday, December 30, 2000
Son Left Behind; Father Arrested
By Jeff Jones
Albuquerque Journal Staff Writer
Police say James Sammon took his two young boys to an Albuquerque
restaurant Thursday night, didn't have the money to pay the tab
and left his younger son behind after telling a restaurant worker
he was heading home to get some cash.
But Sammon allegedly never came back to get his 6-year-old.
The Fine Beverages at a Fancy Place
Wine list at Chez Fancy Place:
At Chez Really Fancy, the list might read:
All wines $5/glass, $10/box, $15/big jug with thumbhole.
Please order by number to avoid confusing the server.
- Franzia hearty burgundy
- Carlo Rossi Mountain chablis, North American Continent
- E&J Gallo Sparkling Wine, San Joaquin Valley, California
Don't forget, "rose" is a single syllable, unless you want to be thought of as "high-falutin'". That's why the word has no accent. No decent American fancy place needs no damn Frenchy words. We drink good ole American wine, cuz since we invented it, we know how better.
And don't bring me none-a that fake zinfandel! I want the real one that's pink!