Childfree By Choice Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Part 2: Posting Guide, Snappy Comebacks, and Links

Part 1: Terminology, Support, and About the Group
• Posting Guidelines:
  1. Can I post here if I like kids but don't want my own?
  2. If I'm a parent, can I post here?
  3. What kind of posts should I avoid writing?
  4. Why are there arguments and negative postings here?
  5. Why all the off-topic postings?
  6. Why does this group complain about children all the time?
• Snappy Comebacks:
  1. But you were children once!
  2. But children are our future!
  3. What if your parents had felt that way?
  4. Don't you worry about who will take care of you when you are older unless you have children?
  5. Why do you think you have anything of value to say about children, parents, or childrearing?
  6. But you'd be such a good parent!
  7. Children are just like very small adults, and you can help them!
  8. It takes a village to raise a child...
  9. What if everyone thought the way you do?
  10. You're just being selfish...
• Links

Part 1: Terminology, Support, and About the Group
• Posting Guidelines:

  1. Can I post here if I like kids but don't want my own?

     • Of course, as far as I'm concerned. But don't be upset if things get a bit ... um, nasty. (Rabbit)
     • As far as *I'm* concerned, as long as you don't start saying how cute all kids are, you're covered by the charter. (Scott E.)

  2. If I'm a parent, can I post here?

     • Opinions *used to* differ. Many people here *used to* welcome parents, as long as they didn't start arguments about childbearing or talk about their kids. Others have always preferred that parents don't exist.

       But then we noticed, *everyone* who admitted being a parent, couldn't help talking about their kids. That's off topic here, and led to more argument than worth. If you have children, don't tell us.

       Still, it's Usenet, and it's unmoderated, so there's nothing to keep you from posting here, as long as you observe the charter. But remember, it's unmoderated, so people can respond any way they like. And the responses will probably singe your hair. (Scott E.)

     • I have to deal with parents every day of my life. ASC is the *one* place where I can come and not have to interact with parents or their sprogs, or, worry that something negative that I say might some parent's delicate sensibilities. (Chris Henderson)
     • If parents *choose* to post here, then I reserve my right to toast them for fun and profit. This is the place where I CAN vent against parents and their practices if I feel like it. (T. Van Voris)

  3. What kind of posts should I avoid writing?

     • If you read this group and feel you have to oppose the absence of children: bear in mind, we've heard it all before. If you don't believe it, check out Breeder Troll Bingo, conveniently available on the Web at http://www.cybercomm.net/~flamingo/breedertroll_bingo.htm. If you say anything that's on the Breeder Troll Bingo card, you will be ridiculed, at the very least. (Scott E.)

     • Avoid "yabbuting". "Yabbuting" is saying things like "yeah, but it's perfectly normal for children to do that" or "yeah, but that's not the parents' fault" in response to someone's rant. This is generally frowned on in alt.support.childfree.

       When the denizens of alt.support.childfree are ranting, we don't *want* to have an argument about what we're ranting about. We just want to blow off steam, or commiserate with others who might feel the same way. And since it's looked down on in our culture to complain about children or parents anywhere else, alt.support.childfree is the only place where it's accepted. Therefore, "yabbuting" is considered a particularly heinous invasion of space. (Jennie D-O'C)

     • People who have wandered over to ASC from misc.kids or other parenting newsgroups are used to one type of newsgroup experience--one where there is a desire to share information and correct misconceptions on issues about being a parent or raising children. ASC is a completely different ball game. ASC denizens are not interested in performing cultural anthropology upon parents, in understanding why parents or children do the things that they do. They will therefore not respond with gratitude to being "enlightened."

       Most parents would never think of posting along the lines of "geez, why don't you guys adopt?" on alt.infertility. Posting "yabbut" on ASC is the same thing.

  4. Why are there arguments and negative postings here?

     • It's real people posting, and real people often disagree. Sometimes it's difference of opinion, sometimes it's misunderstandings. Cyberspace doesn't allow for body language and inflection. (Rabbit)
     • For some reason, some people who would never think of starting an argument in support groups like alt.support.shyness or alt.support.grief don't hesitate to troll to our particular support group. (Scott E.)
     • Yes, (insert name of troll here), we can't make you leave, but make no mistake about it that you *do* cause damage by your presence here. You are putting your selfish need for entertainment and the last word before our need for a support group. (Elise Rauschenbach)
     • Just as freedom of religion is now generally seen to include freedom FROM religion, the childfree state properly includes the right to be free of lectures on parenting issues. (Stella)

  5. Why all the off-topic postings?

     • Sorry... it's kinda like a big childfree cocktail party. (Bill)
     • 'Cause they're FUN! I feel like the a.s.cf posters are my friends. In real one-on-one life, I talk about everything with my friends, and I like to do that here. I figure that if someone doesn't like the off-topic postings, they can scroll by them. (Rabbit)
     • Well, this is alt.SUPPORT.childfree, and sometimes you have to support people by talking about things they want to talk about. (Scott E.)

  6. Why does this group complain about children all the time?

     • Because the idea behind a support group is venting. Why does AA always talk about drinking? To someone just stepping in, it would indeed seem that all we do is complain. But here's another way to look at it. I work with my computer a lot, and 90% of the time it works properly and does what I need it to do. I feel no need to say, and most people don't want to hear, "Well, I did my work today, computer worked fine." But if it "misbehaves", eats my work, etc., then my natural response is to want to throw it out the window. I won't do that, of course, but it makes me feel better to be able to turn to someone and say, "Goddamn computer! I'd like to send it to Mars!" So in real life, 60% of the children I see are well behaved. But all it takes is one screaming one to make life miserable for everyone in the restaurant, and that's when I want to complain about it. (Rabbit)

• Snappy Comebacks:

  1. But you were children once!

     • Yes, and fortunately I grew out of it. (Joann)
     • I would never put anyone through that hell again. (Scott E.)
     • When I was a child, there were people then who didn't want children, and didn't want the company of children. You know what? That was okay with me. (Mari)
     • Yes, and I wasn't a planned, wanted child. You have no idea of what kind of misery that can cause a child - they pick up on that very easily. What kind of parent would intentionally do that to another person? And yet you suggest I be that kind of parent. (Mari)
     • "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." (St. Paul, 1 Corinthians 13:11)
     • And the Blessed Virgin Mary managed to raise the Son of God without "personal bonding leave," lactation breaks, or a special pumping room. (Gutterboy)

  2. But children are our future!

     • Death is our future. Children would just ruin the time I have left to live. (DPH)
     • Maybe, but unless a lot of people stop turning out 3 of them, there won't be much of a future. (Rabbit)
     • I care enough about "our future" not to subject it to my lack of maternal instinct. (Marisa Wood)
     • Most of the high-achieving women in history have not had children (Queen Elizabeth 1, Florence Nightingale, Jane Austen etc.) (Janet)
     • No, badly disciplined and selfish adults are our future, if parents don't start training them for true adulthood. (Sunfell)
     • Only if you believe that as soon as those children turn 21 every older generation will retire.
     • I expect to work until the day I die.
     • I am my own future.
     • We are making our future RIGHT NOW.
     • We can't cop out by saying that somebody else is the future.
     • When I'm dead, it certainly won't mean anything to me if the human race goes on or not.
     • Making a baby, or even a clone, does not make you immortal. You yourself will still be dead someday.

  3. What if your parents had felt that way?

     • How do you know they didn't? (Ilene Bilenky)
     • Then I would have been the child of *other* parents! (Robin Kornides)
     • Well, maybe you would have had an easier time finding a parking space today. (Daniel Reynolds)
     • Yup, and the planet would be in somewhat better shape, too. People have no responsibility, zero, to sprog they don't produce. (Elise Rauschenbach)
     • Mine did. Unfortunately, they lived in such a narrow, closed-minded society that they felt pressured into having kids. As a result, they resented their own children. If my parents had never had me, I wouldn't be here to have any regrets about it. (Dulcinea West)
     • Then maybe my mom would have gotten her Ph.D and never crawled into the ol' booze bottle. If I'd had the option, I woulda given up my life for that. (Dorothea Salo)
     • Well, I wouldn't have to worry about it then, would I? (Rabbit)

  4. My child will wipe your ass when you're older!

     • Which means s/he won't be hanging around wiping YOUR ass, I suppose? (Mari)
     • The same people who will be wiping yours when your kids are too busy with their own children to take care of you. (Tara D)
     • Are you currently wiping your parents' asses? (Tara D)
     • If your children are young, it remains to be seen whether they will turn out to be worthwhile, as ass-wipers or anything else! (Janet)
     • My hypothetical spawn won't wipe my ass; they'll just name themselves trustees of my retirement fund and pay *your* children to wipe my ass. Why not eliminate the middlemen? (Scott E.)
     • If you would be so kind, please show me the iron-clad guarantee you have that shows that beyond a shadow of a doubt, your children will support you and comfort you in your old age. (Rabbit)
     • You make children, I'll make friends. (Rabbit)
     • On your way home tonight, why don't you just drop by the nursing home and see how many people wait day after day after day after day for their children to visit them? (Rabbit)

  5. Why do you think you have anything of value to say about children, parents, or childrearing?

     • You've never been a politician. How dare you criticize the way they spend your taxes! You don't know what they go through! Once you've been a politician, then you can talk! (Gutterboy)
     • If one believes that, then one also believes that men should never be gynecologists, or indeed that any *parent* could possibly have an opinion on any other parenting or child other than their very own. (Brenda Peters)
     • We have all been children, so we have some idea of normal behaviour! And the fact that we have no children enables us to view children in a more objective way than parents do. (Janet)
     • Sometimes an outside, unschooled perspective is MORE valuable than that of the practitioner. Often those who work on something day after day lose perspective; they get so caught up in the parts *they* see, they lose sight of the parts they *don't* see but others do. (Jim Paradis)

  6. But you'd be such a *good* parent!

     • I usually snicker and say, "Believe me, you're not the first person who's ever called me a 'mother'." (Rabbit)
     • But smothering is illegal you know?!? It's so much easier to avoid the issue entirely *my* way. (Tara)
     • So? I give good blowjobs too, doesn't mean i want to be a hooker! (Sixkats)

  7. Children are just like very small adults, and you can help them!

     • Okay. My advice is they get a job. (Jason G.)
     • If they're small adults, can I date them? (Scott E.)
     • I don't put up with bad behavior from adults, either. (Angelmoon)
     • Charity begins at home. They DO have their own parents, don't they? (T. Van Voris)
     • If children are little adults, why aren't they out working alongside the rest of us? Why are there tax breaks for them? Hell, if they are little adults, they should be paying taxes. Also, if they are little adults, this nonsense about taking violence off T.V. for the sake of the chilllddddrrruuuuunnnnn would be moot. After all, they are little adults right? (HCF)

  8. It takes a village to raise a child...

     • It takes a child to raze a village. (Ilene B.)
     • I'm not a member of that village that's supposed to raise your kid for you. (Scott Amspoker)
     • I moved out of the village with no forwarding address. (Melody)
     • In order to save the village, we had to destroy it. (Jim)
     • You may live in the village but I live in the jungle. (Veronique)
     • The day that parents took away my rights as a village member to chastise, and educate their children; they also lost their right to assume I would mind and attend to their children. (Tara D)

  9. What if everyone thought the way you do?

     • 200 years from now, the earth would again be a green and flourishing place. Whales would have stopped stranding thmselves as oceanic pollution levels dropped back to zero. Without the EMF fields migration routes would re-establish. New species would begin to develop, and the Earth would once again be whole and well. (Swan)
     • And if everyone thought like you, every *other* species on this planet would die out. (Mari)
     • Give me a call when there are fewer than 2 billion people on the planet; until then I'm not particularly concerned about extinction. (DPH)
     • Given the overwhelming social pressure in society to breed, it seems highly unlikely that this will happen. Since the world is over-populated, perhaps it would be better if more people thought like us. (Janet)
     • I'll bet that the chances of human extinction are made greater by rampant overpopulation, than by some of us deciding to remain childfree. (Renee)

  10. You're just being selfish...

      • Selfish people make lousy parents. (Ellen)
      • Selfish is popping out a kid that you can't afford to raise and then expecting other people to make the sacrifices necessary to raise it. (DPH)
      • Can you give me 5 reasons you had kids, which don't begin with "I wanted"? (Renee)
      • In a polluted and overcrowded world, it is not unselfish to breed. (Janet)
      • I see most *parents* as the selfish ones; they're concerned only for their *own* kids. Instead of "me, me, me" it's now "mine, mine, mine!" (Ellen)

  11. When will you have your own children?

      *This* one has so many snappy responses, I refer you to http://www.eilertech.com/text/asc/when.txt . (S. Eiler)

Links:

• We have a photo gallery, at http://www.kersey-gallagher.com/ascf/gallery.html.
• We have a sister newsgroup, alt.support.childfree.moderated. Its FAQ is at http://members.home.net/ascmod/. People who may yet want children someday need not apply.
• There's a popular collection of web pages, at http://www.fred.net/turtle/kids.html. Not only is this the tip of a pyramid of childfree goodness, it's linked to the entire CF world via the Childfree Ring.
• If you want *serious* comebacks to stupid questions, try http://www.olist.com/essays/text/ray/shame_children.html.
• If you want more reasons to be childfree, try http://www.tftb.com/childfree/.
• The alt.support.childfree Killfile FAQ http://www.sit.wisc.edu/~dmrovner/killfaq.html. This has very useful instructions on how to avoid trolls.
• Visit Sprogopolis, my ideas on how a city should REALLY be run. http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/1285/sprogop.html. (Larry Kahn)
• Check out the ASCF "Lexicon of Spawn" at: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Quarter/7404/. (Gutterboy)
• The alt.support.childfree archive now resides at: http://childfree.homepage.com/. It has several memorable posts to the newsgroup. (Jim)
• Play Breeder Troll Bingo, at http://www.cybercomm.net/~flamingo/breedertroll_bingo.htm.
• And finally, the alt.support.childfree Guide to Fancy Restaurants, at http://www.eilertech.com/hhgg/fancy.htm. Thanks to Angi Long who inspired it.

Copyright © 2000, by the authors mentioned above.

This ChildFree site maintained by Scott Eiler.
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