Childfree By Choice Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Part 1: Terminology, Support, and About the Group

This document is now in two parts:

1. Part 1 contains a brief description of terms, a list of support groups, and a description of this particular support group. It is meant for people who are not necessarily interested in the Usenet newsgroup, but are searching for any kind of support toward the absence of childrearing.
2. Part 2 contains guidelines for posting to this group, and some responses that childfree people have already made to frequently asked questions about the desire not to raise children. It is meant for people who wish to post to the Usenet newsgroup alt.support.childfree.

If you have comments, either post to alt.support.childfree, or e-mail me, or both. My address is seiler@eilertech.com. 

• Terminology:
  1. What's the difference between childfree and childless?
  2. I'm infertile; can I be childfree?
  3. What do all those acronyms and other strange terms mean?
• Support:
  1. How difficult is it to get a tubal/vasectomy or hysterectomy?
  2. Where else can I go for support?
• About the Group:
  1. What is the charter statement of alt.support.childfree, and why should I care?
  2. Why does alt.support.childfree exist?
  3. So, you all hate children?
  4. Don't people hate you for your unpopular stance?

• Terminology:

  1. What's the difference between childfree and childless?

     • "Childless" people want them and physically can't, or don't have them and are thinking about having them. "Childfree" people don't want them, don't have them and are positive they don't want them. (Rabbit)
     • Childfree means that you don't have children, aren't going to have children, and are happy about this. Childless means that you don't have children, aren't going to have children, and wish you could. Personally, I think both words and the distinction between them are *extremely* useful. (Jennie D-O'C)

  2. I'm infertile; can I be childfree?

     • If you've decided that you don't want children, you're childfree, regardless of whether or not you're actually fertile and have to therefore work hard at *staying* childfree. (Jennie D-O'C)
     • I am child free - I made a choice despite my subfertility. I am not childless - I could still have a child, but, I don't want to have a child on anybody's terms but my own. My life is fulfilled and complete without children, thankyouverymuch. (Cinnamontoast)

  3. What do all those acronyms and other strange terms mean?

     • CBC and CFC = Childfree By Choice, meaning we really Really want no children. Most people who post to alt.support.childfree are not only proud of being CBC, we're smug about it.
     • The following terms may appear in message headers, to help categorize messages. If you use these terms in your messages headers when appropriate, many people who just skim the newsgroup will appreciate it.

       • XP = crosspost, between alt.support.childfree and alt.support.childfree.moderated. Some people have to pay extra to read the same message twice, so they'll appreciate the warning.
       • OT = off topic (according to the group charter). Not that we mind talking about things other than people's kids, but some of us like to know in advance.
       • TR = Troll Response. Some people just ignore trolls, some love to flame them back, and some just change the topic. If you do anything other than ignore them, some of us like to know in advance.
       • IDIWYO = "It's Different When It's Your Own". That's a term that the childfree often hear from parents who think that once you have children, you magically never hate them. Articles with this heading usually talk about parents who abuse or kill their own children.

     • For many other terms one might encounter in alt.support.childfree, such as "PNB", "BNP", "breeder" and "sprog", check out the ASCF "Lexicon of Spawn" at: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Quarter/7404/.

• Support:

  1. How difficult is it to get a tubal/vasectomy or hysterectomy? How bad is the scarring from a tubal ligation? How soon can I (go to work, exercise, bungee-jump) after a tubal ligation?

     • I had a much easier time, before and after my tubal, than I thought I would. My primary-care dr. approved my request for a tubal referral (at the ripe old age of 27 ;> ) with very few questions asked. I had the surgery on a Friday, and was back to work on Monday. By that time, I didn't even need painkillers, although I couldn't do any heavy lifting for about two weeks after I got my tubes tied. Physically, it's pretty much business as usual--I have a normal sex drive, I ovulate, I have normal menstrual cycles. Emotionally, I've decided my family's problems with my decision are just that--THEIR problems--and I do not need to make them MINE. I know I made the right choice for me. (Marisa Wood)
     • Keep in mind that the rate of failure for a tubal is much higher than doctors are willing to admit, and the rate of failure is higher the younger you are. Make sure that your doctor uses the absolute most dependable method. If he jokes around about failure, tell him to drop dead and find yourself a doctor who cares about your desire to avoid pregnancy. (Anonymous)
     • It (the vasectomy) was most undignified. But painless at the time. And it doesn't hurt much now, though it is a bit uncomfortable sitting around with ice in my pants. My only regret about the surgery is that I waited this long to do it. (Karl Zadoc)
     • In my experience, if you're female, doctors will at the very least ask you lots of personal questions and make you undergo psychological counseling if you want to try to get a tubal before you've had children. Most will refuse you outright. I find this extremely ironic, since it's possible to choose to change your life permanently and become a *parent* as early as fourteen or so, but if a healthy 28-year-old woman wants to get herself sterilized, that's not allowed. (Jennie D-O'C)

  2. Where else can I go for support?

     • Planned Parenthood -- that's who helped me out. (Rabbit)
     • The "LivingFree" messageboard ( http://www.dork.com/livingfree/) is available, as is its companion board, "Living Childfree - is it for me?" ( http://www.dork.com/livingfree/lcfindex.html).

       The first one is for people who have made a decision and want to hang out with cf and cf-friendly types, but talk about lotsa stuff, not just being cf. The second one is a place for fencesitters and cfers to interact, specifically on the topic on living cf. (Sarah)

     • There is a forum now (two, actually...The private one is rilly popular) for Childfree After Infertility support. http://cfafterif.arjika.com is the link for the main site and http://pub7.ezboard.com/fcfafterifmain is the addy for the forum. (c-toast)

• About the Group:

  1. What is the charter statement of alt.support.childfree, and why should I care?

     • The charter statement is as follows:

       alt.support.childfree provides information, discussion and a supportive environment for people who choose or are in the process of choosing to remain child-free. This is not a newsgroup for anyone trying to bash the childless state; here, being childless is not something that has to be defended. (Control message posted by Jonathan Grobe, 12 January 1996.)

     • Violation of a newsgroup charter is considered to be abusive behavior by many ISPs. For instance, Deja News states:

       'Examples as to what may be considered abusive situations are: articles off-topic to the group's charter, ...

       'If you are claiming that the article is "off-topic" and in violation to the group charter, please include the charter's posting outlines or an URL to the location of the group's charter.' (From the Frequently Asked Questions for Deja News. Our charter's URL is http://www.eilertech.com/faqs/cbcfaq.htm#charter.)

     • More importantly, *this is a support group*, with an important function to fulfill, and the legal right to fulfill it. Therefore, all attempts to flood the group with off-topic trolling, spam, advertising, and "bot baiting" will be treated as a "Denial of Service Attack", which can have serious legal repercussions for the attackers. All institutions which have the ability to counter these attacks, have the full support of our newsgroup's regular members, to take care of this problem when it arises.

  2. Why does alt.support.childfree exist?

     • There are lots of things in this world that bug people (isn't there even a site on the net for discussion of nothing but peeves??), and I think this newsgroup just gives CBC'rs a place to rant about things that bug them regarding kids, parents, and people who nose into their lifestyle. I believe (at least I hope) that it is nothing more sinister than that. (Liz Guzzi)
     • Because we need a place to vent. If somebody's child rams a mini shopping cart into the back of my legs, or a child at the next table in a restaurant wanders around and screams, or someone changes a diaper on the bench in the ice cream parlor, I'm not the type of person to create a scene. I'm seething inside, but I generally keep my mouth shut. That's not healthy. If I mention at work or among other people that these things annoyed me today, I'm just as likely to hear, "Well, what do you expect? They're just children." I don't want to hear that. I want to hear, "Hey, what a jerk that parent was, let me tell you about the one that tore all the posters we'd just put up today". I can come here to a.s.cf, moan about it, and people will commiserate. (Rabbit)
     • To provide a place that being childfree is a *given*. (Jennie D'O-C)

  3. So, you all hate children?

     • I do. The next poster doesn't. But then, I hate metalhead music, Brussels sprouts, small foreign cars, McDonald's, and that song from 'Titanic", and no one gives me a hard time about it ... (Rabbit)
     • What it all boils down to for me is that I don't tend to like interacting with people who think that the world revolves around them. Since the vast majority of young children don't yet have the cognitive skills to realize that this isn't the case, I'd rather not have anything to do with them. (Jennie D-O'C)
     • Chilllllll-druuuuuuun are quite nice actually. With bernaise sauce and a good Merlot. 8) (Marisa Wood)

  4. Don't people hate you for your unpopular stance?

     • Some do. That's why there's a need for support. (Rabbit)
     • I've had more trouble with being misunderstood than with being hated. Not that that's exactly fun, either. (Jennie D-O'C)
     • Some do, mainly out of jealousy that they weren't smart or thinking enough to make this same choice for themselves. (Glenna99)
     • Oh come now, it's not like we're proposing to ship our surplus children to the Congo for famine relief or anything. Despite the answers you see above, some of us actually get along nicely with lots of parents, some of whom have actually posted to this newsgroup. (Scott Eiler)
  Part 2: Posting Guidelines, Snappy Comebacks, and Links

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